I Gallantly Solve the Economic Crisis

October 11, 2008 – 6:21 am

I’ve heard more or less the same things that you have: the sub-prime mortgage crisis has affected all sorts of markets, leading to all sorts of problems. The Dow has been plummeting. Paul Newman died.

What this all basically adds up to is that the country is on the brink of almost certain doom. It’s hard not to picture a future full of warming one’s hands over oil drum fires, sleeping in tree houses, and eating old tennis shoes while desperately trying to convince myself it’s roast beef.

In fact, I won‘t be surprised when the entire Earth becomes a barren wasteland. Also - because I happen to believe that the Mad Max series is really a sophisticated form of prophecy - I believe that people will assemble into wild tribes that rove the landscape in strange vehicles, wearing improbable armor, wielding axes, and searching for gas to take back to Thunderdome. It is a bleak future with terrible dialogue, and we must do all that we can to prevent it from ever taking place.

That being said, I have applied my powers of immense concentration to the economic problem at hand.

I’ve spent years training both mind and body in the hidden martial arts temples of the far East. I did many splits, and shattered stone tablets with my forehead. When I wasn’t busy doing that, I surrounded myself with scented candles and meditated. Finally, I know the names of some pretty smart books.

So, you see, I’m at least as qualified to advise the entire nation as every celebrity that ever ran their mouth about any socio-political issue ever. Maybe more so, because I’ve never “accidentally” leaked a sex tape.

My fantastic ideas: Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Business World, Columnist, Current Affairs, college, humor | Comments (2)

The McCain Campaign: Lipstick and Lynch Mobs

October 10, 2008 – 5:40 am

As the McCain campaign’s desperate attempts to paint Barack Obama as all but a “domestic terrorist” have elicited cries of “kill him!” from the lynch mo… *cough* the adoring crowd, McCain’s own running mate refuses to hold a press conference, leaving questions about her documented ties to a secessionist party and a witch-hunting wacko unanswered.

But who are we, the great unwashed, to ask anything of Her Majesty Sarah Palin? What, you think we’re in some kind of a democracy, pal? And anyway, whatcha bein’ mean to a nice white hockey mom for? Look over there instead! It’s a BLACK MAN who thinks he’s better than you!

John McCain, formerly a respectable politician, has sucker-punched the remains of his dignity, dragged them out back, blasted them with a shotgun, stomped them into the ground, and fed them to the wild hogs.

Buoyed up by the “young and plucky” governor from Alaska, “plucky” enough to hear death threats against her opponent and not bat her mascara, this campaign has entered into its most surreal phase yet. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, election 08, feminism, politics, racism | Comments (17)

The World For Barack Obama

October 1, 2008 – 7:57 am

Should McCain defeat Obama in the US Presidential election, the world will descend into a state of mass depression.

Political and psychological despair piling on top of the worst global economic recession since the 1930s is the last thing we need. I don’t say this lightly.

The Bush years have been hard on planet earth. Add to that the general absence of inspirational leaders on the global stage, and from Patagonia to Tokyo, you have an overwhelming desire for something exciting and meaningful. And Obama, for better or for worse, is filling that void.

I am seeing people from all nationalities buoyed by the Obama factor. The detractors will tell you it’s all about his soaring speeches and it doesn’t mean anything as far as reality goes. Read More »

By Nasser Ali Khasawneh | Posted in Columnist, Current Affairs, election 08, politics | Comments (14)

Republicans and Democrats Debate “the Issues.” Sort of.

September 27, 2008 – 4:43 pm

I’m not especially versed in politics. I know the basics: things like which amendment grants us the constitutional right to punch dolphins, or who that president was that bit the head off of a bat and got banned from the Alamo. But I’ve been doing a little reading on the internet of late, and I’m a little surprised. Now, I don’t know how many of you will have heard this, but there’s an election coming up.

Apparently, tensions are running incredibly high because, for the first time in history, a tiny alien in a white guy robot suit is facing off against… *gasp* a black guy. There are many calling this the most momentous election in recent history, and for good reasons.

Of course, I’m something of a newcomer to the world of political discourse, so I might not throw around words like “paradigm,” or “rock the vote,” or “flag.” But I’m bringing something of my own to the table: impartiality. I base this claim on the simple fact that I don’t like either of the major parties. I never really have.

In terms of campaigning, the issues don’t matter. Rather, it’s whoever can enforce their perception of whose fault those issues are that will win the day.

Politics is a matter of seizing the moral high ground. If you could replace Obama and McCain with the pure, unfiltered spirit of liberalism and conservatism respectively, then this is what I believe the debates would sound like: nothing but sniping, infighting, and the conspicuous lack of any sort of logic. Logic doesn’t win elections, after all. So everybody get ready for Joseph’s Political Jamboree (and Lobster Boil)! Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Columnist, Current Affairs, election 08, humor, north america, politics | Comments (2)

A-list Actors Hug Polar Bears; World Is Saved (Not Really)

September 24, 2008 – 4:16 pm

I find celebrities just a little presumptuous. Not all celebrities, really - mostly just the A-list actors. What bothers me isn’t their posturing, their preening, or their living in giant houses that God could not have possibly intended when He cobbled together our mudball of a planet.

After all, opulence is part of the job. Being an A-list actor involves just as much driving cool cars, laying around on expensive beaches, and panty-flashing as it does acting in movies, some of which are occasionally required to be good.

Good or not, the public loves seeing the same easily recognizable faces on the big screen. Why this is, I couldn’t really say, but I can say that most big studio movies in this day and age do not star actors.

Actors are people who convincingly and dramatically pretend to be other people. This sort of pretence, however, is impossible to a large degree for most A-list celebrities. Rather, they play themselves pretending to be other people. When all is said and done, celebrities are paid to be celebrities.

And that is fine. It makes me jealous, to some degree, that other people my age or younger are being paid vast sums of money for just being the sort of people that are paid vast sums of money. After all, I’ve never been paid simply for being myself (1).

While with enough therapy (I.e. drinking and befriending genuinely ugly people), I have learned to get past most of it, I’m still not entirely Zen on this subject. There are a few things about celebrities that get under my skin. Two, really. Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, humor, movies, music | Comments (0)

MTV Ukraine Makes a Mockery of Domestic Violence

September 17, 2008 – 3:27 pm

Last weekend, I was sitting in a restaurant in Kyiv, eating barbecue wings, and witnessing a new low in the world of Ukrainian media.

The recently launched MTV Ukraine was showing a translated program - it had something to do with hip hop. At the bottom of the screen there was listed something called “The Topic of the Day” - which is basically a question one can answer by texting an SMS to a certain number, if one is bored enough, I suppose. The answers themselves were being fed directly onto the TV screen.

Though I found it hard to believe at first, the topic was “Can you beat girls?”

Yep, there it was, staring me in the face.

I went up to the TV screen and snapped a couple of pictures with my phone. Meanwhile, my table companions quickly became animated as they realized what I was reacting to.

Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, Society, europe, feminism, human rights, women | Comments (14)

Michael Phelps vs. The Large Hadron Collider

September 11, 2008 – 2:25 pm

It’s been an amazing year so far, a year for records, accomplishments, and individual triumphs that have shaken the world. We all watched the Olympics, in which dedicated athletes would compete against the best in the world. It was a human drama filmed on different fields and in many arenas. But the themes were always the same: life-affirming victory, or crushing, alcoholism-inducing defeat.

The world in general, and the U.S. in particular seems to have fallen in love with Michael Phelps, the swimming champion who has, thus far, been much too busy with being famous to answer any of my letters. I have been writing to offer my sincere congratulations, and also to request a blood sample, which I plan to use to determine if he is actually part manta ray. His steadfast refusals at first angered me greatly, but now they only serve to make me more and more suspicious. However, whether he is fully human, or is in fact an unholy hybrid of sea creature and doomed man, we must applaud his many accomplishments.

The scientific community is having its own grand event this year. The activation and implementation of the Large Hadron Collider could literally change life as way we know it, by filling in any number of theoretical gaps and answering a horde of questions concerning the very nature of matter and reality. To this end, the LHC was officially fired up on September 10th.

I believe Michael Phelps and the LHC to be more alike than different. In its own way, the LHC is a champion, a brave young contender that will attempt to do what has never been done before. It also looks great in pictures, has a humble personality when interviewed, and will be making a guest appearance on “Entourage” this season.

The most important question then becomes immediately obvious. Who is the greater of the two? Is it Phelps, the wunderkind of the aquatic world? Or is it the LHC, who was worked on by over 8,000 physicists, and looks a lot like the machine that used to give orders to the Power Rangers? Let’s find out together! Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Columnist, Science & Technology, humor, sports | Comments (1)

The Heroes of the New Cold War (And What Idiots They Are)

September 9, 2008 – 4:06 pm

A lot of people want a New Cold War. After all, the War on Terror is just too confusing and troublesome and, let’s face it, terrifying. Poker-faced Soviet villains had hot side-kicks. Hollywood loved them. And for all of their bluster, they didn’t operate via sleeper cells or strap bombs onto women with mental disabilities just so they could blow up people and puppies. Medvedev’s no Osama, we can take him!

Oh, and backing Kosovo independence with no UN approval is totally not the same thing as backing the independence of South Ossetia and Abkhazia. At all. Hey, look over there, it’s a bear with a semi-automatic!

Of course, the Russian Federation’s own, rather special, government, was itching for this confrontation as well. How else to distract the rest of the country from the fact that, for all of Russia’s economic growth, an oil-based economy is not the greatest of ideas? Or the fact that journalists are getting shot in the head and the country’s free press has reached of the mythical Yeti, occasionally glimpsed, but mostly regarded as a figment of our collective imagination? Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Current Affairs, europe, politics | Comments (1)

America, Victorious

September 8, 2008 – 8:46 am

One late night during the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, as the swimmer Michael Phelps smashed yet another world record, I walked through Philadelphia thinking over its history and was struck by how well it represents what America stands for.

Philadelphia is the birthplace of the American Democracy. The Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were both written there. The city’s most famous landmark - The Liberty Bell - sits in the aptly named Independence Hall and one of the museums is named after Ben Franklin, one of the most popular founding fathers.

The city also served as the first capital of the country. It has also been home to some of the most progressive minority groups. Read More »

By Ali Eteraz | Posted in Columnist, Society, essays, movies, north america, sports | Comments (1)

On the Passing of a Hip Hop Icon

August 24, 2008 – 3:59 am

Today marks the passing of an artist and a legend. Some of us were able to call him our brother, or our son. Another five people called him husband. But one thing we could all call him was… “friend.”

L-Shock was taken before his time. Initial police reports indicate that he slipped on a stray banana peel, and then tragically fell onto roughly seventy large caliber bullets outside of a crowded circus. While the police have heard rumors of foul play, nothing has been made definite at this point.

Rather than mourn the passing of a titan, we at the network would like to celebrate with you the life of a legend. Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, humor, music, north america | Comments (0)