Amusement From Insipid Places

June 18, 2008 – 10:47 am

When I was younger I would ask people the following question: If you could be immortal and all you had to do was chop off the head of the person you most love, would you do it?

Most people would look aghast look and scream: No!

I, however, would laugh at them and tell them that I would happily take off my beloved’s head in exchange for immortality. My reasoning would be that my beloved would love me so much that she’d want me to live forever and give myself to every generation after hers.

I stopped asking this question when I grew older. I realized that no one would love me that much.

I’m kidding. That’s not why.

I stopped asking this question because as each day I grew closer to death, I was less inclined to desire immortality.

This can only mean that while I fear death, I fear life more.

*

When I say to the world that men and women are the same, I do not understand why everyone points to their private parts.

*

Around the time that Muhammad was singing the praises of Allah, there was Muzahim al-Uqaili, singing lamentations to Allah. He wrote about love. Says the poet: Read More »

By Ali Eteraz | Posted in Arts & Literature, Entertainment, essays, love, poetry | Comments (7)

My Superhero Dream Team: Prepare For Glory!

June 11, 2008 – 11:42 am

Like most men, I have very limited insight into the higher neurological functions of the American female. So, as far as discussing the themes that women find appealing in their television and movies, I have to take a scientific approach and only hypothesize about why the ladies like the things they like.

I do know what escapist fantasies dudes harbor, and why. We crave excitement, adventure, speed, and an unprecedented level of nudity. We crave movies based on comic books or similarly unrealistic premises. And summer blockbusters love to oblige us.

They don’t delve into the possible downsides of being incredibly wealthy, intelligent, and having your own cybernetic battlesuit with rockets in the arms and emergency flares in the nipples. There’s just the right amount of adversity; a prosaic and straight-forward evil villain generally puts the hero in a tough spot, and then forces the hero to do something epic. Not so secretly, my ilk envies the hero. We would love to clench our fists and solemnly vow not to rest until justice is delivered to every ass within a 2 mile radius via our mighty feet.

But movies aren’t enough for me anymore. As a dude, the appeal of watching a crime-fighting, justice-avenging hero has simply become mundane. As such, I’ve designed my own super team.

I’ve put a lot of though into this. A lot. For instance, as many of you may not know, there is inevitably a rivalry between the team leader and the resident loose cannon that doesn’t play by the rules and goes his own way.

That will not be an issue here, however, as I plan to be both the leader and the loose cannon. I might sometimes disagree with myself, but I’m sure I’ll be able to resolve the issue by dropping giant boulders onto myself, and then watching them shatter on my abs. Additionally, my biceps will be named Zeus and Odin, and they will probably star in their own spin-off movies. Read More »

By Joe Hormes | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, football, humor, internet, movies, music, politics, video games | Comments (0)

Cristiano Ronaldo and the Coming of the Antichrist

May 22, 2008 – 6:15 am

Author’s note to her faithful American readers: yes, I mean football as in “soccer.” “Soccer” is an ugly word and the rest of the world barely uses it.

I wake up today to a sad world. Sure, things may presently be peaceful in my corner of the universe, with birdies singing and cockroaches scuttling happily about their business of scaring me to death. Yet there is a melancholy note in the birdsong and the scuttling of the unholy abominations known as blatta orientalis has an automaton, going-through-the-motions feel about it.

Precious is lost. And by “precious,” I mean the Champions’ League title. Well, for Chelsea, anyway.

There’s a reason why I don’t write much about football. My two favourite teams, Chelsea and Dynamo Kiev, are like the dorky, gifted kids at school, forever getting stuffed into lockers and denied the glory that’s their due. While Hollywood and modern technology have been busy fulfilling the “and the geek shall inherit the earth” prophecy, things are a little different on the pitch.

Last night, as I watched the Champion’s League final (held inside Moscow’s Luzhniki Stadium, the hallowed ground where my father went with his father to see many a Dynamo Kiev away game), I expressed my hatred of Manchester United many times over. The expressions I used were creative, and not entirely suitable for this publication. In my defense, I’d like to point out that if it wasn’t for Cristiano Ronaldo’s face, I might have been more civil.

This might seem superficial, but I just can’t stand dudes who smile like evil ferrets advancing on a nest of baby chicks. One of these days, the fall of civilization will be traced to this smug, self-satisfied countenance. You’re laughing now, but you’ll be sorry later, as ashes fall from the sky, the locusts advance, and, somewhere, Cristiano Ronaldo continues to grin maniacally.

Let’s put it this way, if Cristiano Ronaldo lived in the States, he would have already made at least one sex-tape with Paris Hilton and/or Tom Sizemore, then gone on some third-rate reality TV show to brag about it.

You might argue that football is, ultimately, for the smug and the self-satisfied. After all, confidence is what helps plant terror in your opponents’ hearts, no?

Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, football, humor, sports | Comments (10)

The Unholy Union of Starbucks and “Juno”

May 5, 2008 – 5:44 am

I’m fairly neutral on the subject of Starbucks, because I don’t care about coffee. Coffee generally reminds me of dirty, boiling water that has been poured through a rusty grating and into a cup by somebody who hates me.

I address the issue by adding a ton of cream or milk, and then enough sugar to create something that has been referred to as both a “diabetic Chernobyl” and “liquid renal failure.” But since I generally don’t care for coffee, I leave Starbucks alone for the most part, and Starbucks returns the courtesy.

That isn’t to say I haven’t given the whole enterprise some thought. Yes, Starbucks is a soulless, lumbering, obese corporate entity that sweats overpriced, fancy-named coffee into the mouths of the public. And yes, I’m unwaveringly annoyed by the way they try to sell me CD’s of music fresh from the rainforest when all I really want is to pay too much for an overly complex milkshake.

However, as a business distributing a product that isn’t definitively proven to harm us, they are legally protected in their pursuit of profit, no matter how aggravating it gets. Apparently, the upper-middle class can only drink coffee brewed by an ancient sect of Brazilian coffee monks in a remote bean-temple. And if this is the case – if there really is a population that needs the bland, heavy-handed illusion of worldliness and “alternatude” along with their income-accino – then so be it*.

I wouldn’t say that I choke on the atmosphere misdirected liberal guilt when I enter a Starbucks, but I do sometimes gag a little. Of course, this same atmosphere plays a large indirect part in Starbucks’ astronomical profit margins, so it’s not like they’re putting on the whole show just so that my gorge starts to rise.

Finally, we must remember that most dyed-in-the-tight-jeans hipsters tend to despise Starbucks for being mainstream, capitalist, and lame. And since the hipster view of just about everything is factually wrong, I can’t dislike Starbucks. Neutrality is about as hostile as I can get.

Now, I don’t know if many of you have heard, but Starbucks is selling the movie “Juno” on DVD. This is a case where two things that are blindingly alike have come together – it is both disorienting and inevitable. Read More »

By Joe Hormes | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, food, humor, movies | Comments (4)

The Greatest Hits Of My Greatest Weaknesses

April 18, 2008 – 11:22 am

I want to provide you with a mariner’s chart of my character: the contrasts and topography of my chipped, flawed personality. What the hell, you ask?

Well, this is based on that narcissism that all writers have – or ought to have. Maybe it also has something to do with the fact that I’m besieged by academic deadlines and need something to laugh about.

But the main reason? I’m sitting in a class that I am having trouble caring about (we’re watching a movie on bowel diseases. I just looked up, and was greeted by the sight of a very charming endoscopy).

Some of these tempt me severely, and some of these just make me cry: Read More »

By Joe Hormes | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, Science & Technology, Society, humor | Comments (1)

Superbowl Sociology and What It Means for the Human Species

February 10, 2008 – 6:39 am

The Patriots are 18-1; a man hides his face against my shoulder, because the world had suddenly become too much to bear.

A few seconds ago, I was trying to eat two chicken drumsticks at the same time, so you can imagine how dignified I must look. And yet I am the calm center of an emotional hurricane. It is mind boggling that this has come to pass.

Last week, people were ecstatic, people were depressed. People were vindictive and gloating, people were defensive and drinking to forget. I can’t say that this was a unique situation. Much the same scene was taking place all across the country, as people celebrated and mourned the particular ending of a particular game. A game which, for my taste, involved way too many “good game” pats to way too many plump buttocks encased in metallic tights.

As a mental exercise, I have hypothetically divided the world into two groups: Read More »

By Joe Hormes | Posted in Entertainment, humor, sports | Comments (1)

Heath Ledger Was the Cat’s Meow

January 23, 2008 – 3:41 am

Did I seriously just write the above headline? Heath Ledger was? He was?

People die young all the time. There’s nothing new under the sun, and tragic death in one’s prime is no exception. In many ways Heath Ledger was (here’s that dreadful word again) no more special than, say, the people dying in Palestine this week, many of them also young.

However, now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you: boy, did I adore Heath Ledger.

I adored him so much that I had arguments about him. People said, “he’s just another pretty boy,” and I said, “no he has range and depth, and the awesome factor like whoa.” People said, “awesome factor? Like whoa? What does that even mean?” And I said, “watch him, just watch him.”

Heath Ledger combined talent with a generally laid-back public persona. He was the guy who once moved to Brooklyn because he didn’t want to be photographed every time he stepped into a Starbucks or kissed his girlfriend. He wasn’t afraid to look like he hadn’t spent five hours with five different stylists. He was good even in the bad films (”The Brothers Grimm” come to mind).

He wasn’t afraid of taking on controversial roles and acting in scenes that would inspire most of our true-blue Hollywood heroes to run away screaming. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Current Affairs, Entertainment, movies, obituary | Comments (3)

Our Culture

December 26, 2007 – 2:30 am

I don’t know if it’s human tendency or just human laziness to sum up a socio-cultural period in a few basic concepts, which may or may not represent the whole. But it sure as hell is human something. We do it, and I doubt our kids will be any different.

In America, a relatively new country, we have had our share of major recent events; it has been quite a chapter in our collective history. Like every other generation, ours has been both battered and lifted up by the tides of time. It’s really quite a story, when you think about it. But that’s for the history books. When my kids look back at my generation, what will they see? Will they see a tattered, burning, but remarkably intact banner flapping in the high winds of the past?

Nope.

When we look at previous generations, we consider a few things: how they dressed, how they talked, what was cool, and what they liked. And usually, we laugh about it. Will our children laugh, do you think? Will they fail to understand our times and circumstances, and remember only the silly things?

Nope, again. They’ll probably get it right, and still find us freaking hilarious. Or, at least, yours will. The first time my kids give me some lip, I’m putting all their toys in a box in the front yard. The box will say: “Joseph Jr.’s Free Stuff! Please Take and Enjoy!” I’ll also only refer to my children as “Mouth to Feed” or “Tax Write-off” until they bring me the pelt of a lion they’ve slain with their bare hands. I want to set high standards.

But that isn’t really my point. My point is, what will future generations remember about this particular decade?

How we dress: From what I can tell – which might not be very much – there are two schools of fashion right now. There’s the Retro camp, where you wear clothes that seem to say “I jumped Marty McFly, stole the De Lorian, and drove it to a dumpster from the early 1980’s”: Read More »

By Joe Hormes | Posted in Entertainment, humor | Comments (1)

Electrical Hammers and Unholy Ninjas: The Diary of One Gamer

December 10, 2007 – 12:57 am

I’m terrified of video games. I feel them too much.

They stress me out, they scare me, they show me the several million different ways in which I could die. I’ve seen so much bloodshed, so much explosive chaos that ends in ‘Game over,’ that I’m just not sure I can take it anymore. My hands shake when I try to eat.

Whenever I see a commercial for a new game on TV, I have flashbacks.

When I come to, I find myself threatening family members with the neck of a broken bottle, screaming things like “I’m wearing level 48 armor and an invisibility cape! Nobody come near me!”

This has been the subject of several family conferences, but I’ve been trying to find different ways to cope, and the one that has worked best has been a diary. It’s not the “manliest” thing in the world. It’s certainly not something that would convince girls that I’m “the one.” It might even be the sort of thing that causes other guys to “shove my head in a toilet,” and “pee in my shoes,” and then make me “wear my pee-shoes around all day.” You know, hypothetically. Anyway, let me show you some of what I’ve written.

Entry 1

0800 hours. My eyes are darting all over the screen. Lights and sounds assault at me at several hundred miles a minute, and I find myself envying the epileptics that get to have a seizure and just get the business over with. I’m pretty sure this is what it feels like to either be an anime character, or take heroin.

Ever hear of a game called “Splinter Cell”? It’s somewhat older, and the basic premise is as follows: you control a spy that has to sneak around in the shadows, gathering intelligence and silently killing a series of malcontents planning some rather seedy crap. The key in this game is to creep silently and slaughter stealthily, without getting detected.

When I play, I try to do the things I’m supposed to do, but my sneaking isn’t terribly sneaky – guards catch me all the time. They greet me with search lights and high caliber weapons (but once, just once, I wish it would be a surprise party). You know, sometimes, while going around a corner, I’ll pause the game just so I can wipe my hands on my jeans/the tears out of my eyes. But I have to press on. But I can’t press on. My bladder hurts.

The guy on the screen didn’t sign up for all of this! I think to myself. He’s just waiting for me to give him commands, but I’ve frozen up. The chain of command hasn’t just been broken, it’s been dipped in liquid nitrogen and drunkenly thrown against the neighbor’s garage. He creeps forward, and suddenly it’s carnage on the screen; my man looks like a straw that sky-dove right into the middle of a fireworks extravaganza. He might be digital, but I feel for him. All he wanted was to serve the stars and stripes. Every time I touch that controller, another good, 128-bit man dies. I imagine I feel the same way that many seasoned generals do: guilty, haunted by my mistakes, and sort of wanting to write a book about myself.

Entry 2

I’m in combat for 20 minutes – or maybe 20 years. I just can’t tell anymore. Time seems to shrink and dilate. I don’t measure time in minutes anymore, but rather in game deaths – by the hundreds. I’m playing “Halo 3″ online, and while I believe the good Lord made me to do many things, such as taking my shirt off for the ladies, he definitely didn’t make me for this. Read More »

By Joe Hormes | Posted in Entertainment, Science & Technology, humor | Comments (1)

The Conman’s Guide to Bagging an Oscar

November 23, 2007 – 5:52 am

I’m an “opportunity man:” a man that knows how to take advantage of the chances that life slings your way. It’s easy. You just have to know what to look for and how to think on your feet – it’s really very simple.

For instance, let’s say there’s a lady walking her dog in the park: just a pleasant scene involving exercise and loving companionship, right? Maybe so, to the layman, but I see pure potential. Watch.

Step 1: Cut the leash in half, and kidnap the dog.

Step 2: Wait for her to read the ransom note you scrawled. (Put a skull and crossbones on it. If you’re a particularly gifted artist, make it a dog skull, so she knows you’re not to be trifled with.)

Step 3: Payday.

Even if she doesn’t pay, you just scored yourself a Pomeranian, and at least part of a leash. See? Pure elegance. Now, let’s apply this same thinking to the movie industry. How does one get an Oscar nomination, anyway? Well, it’s actually pretty easy! You see, I’ve done a careful analysis of all the Oscar-nominated films in the last six years, and I know what it takes to be edgy. I call this the “Iñárritu formula.” Read More »

By Joe Hormes | Posted in Entertainment, humor, movies, music | Comments (0)