Superbowl Sociology and What It Means for the Human Species

February 10, 2008 – 6:39 am

The Patriots are 18-1; a man hides his face against my shoulder, because the world had suddenly become too much to bear.

A few seconds ago, I was trying to eat two chicken drumsticks at the same time, so you can imagine how dignified I must look. And yet I am the calm center of an emotional hurricane. It is mind boggling that this has come to pass.

Last week, people were ecstatic, people were depressed. People were vindictive and gloating, people were defensive and drinking to forget. I can’t say that this was a unique situation. Much the same scene was taking place all across the country, as people celebrated and mourned the particular ending of a particular game. A game which, for my taste, involved way too many “good game” pats to way too many plump buttocks encased in metallic tights.

As a mental exercise, I have hypothetically divided the world into two groups: Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Entertainment, humor, sports | Comments (1)

Heath Ledger Was the Cat’s Meow

January 23, 2008 – 3:41 am

Did I seriously just write the above headline? Heath Ledger was? He was?

People die young all the time. There’s nothing new under the sun, and tragic death in one’s prime is no exception. In many ways Heath Ledger was (here’s that dreadful word again) no more special than, say, the people dying in Palestine this week, many of them also young.

However, now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you: boy, did I adore Heath Ledger.

I adored him so much that I had arguments about him. People said, “he’s just another pretty boy,” and I said, “no he has range and depth, and the awesome factor like whoa.” People said, “awesome factor? Like whoa? What does that even mean?” And I said, “watch him, just watch him.”

Heath Ledger combined talent with a generally laid-back public persona. He was the guy who once moved to Brooklyn because he didn’t want to be photographed every time he stepped into a Starbucks or kissed his girlfriend. He wasn’t afraid to look like he hadn’t spent five hours with five different stylists. He was good even in the bad films (”The Brothers Grimm” come to mind).

He wasn’t afraid of taking on controversial roles and acting in scenes that would inspire most of our true-blue Hollywood heroes to run away screaming. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Current Affairs, Entertainment, movies, obituary | Comments (3)

Our Culture

December 26, 2007 – 2:30 am

I don’t know if it’s human tendency or just human laziness to sum up a socio-cultural period in a few basic concepts, which may or may not represent the whole. But it sure as hell is human something. We do it, and I doubt our kids will be any different.

In America, a relatively new country, we have had our share of major recent events; it has been quite a chapter in our collective history. Like every other generation, ours has been both battered and lifted up by the tides of time. It’s really quite a story, when you think about it. But that’s for the history books. When my kids look back at my generation, what will they see? Will they see a tattered, burning, but remarkably intact banner flapping in the high winds of the past?

Nope.

When we look at previous generations, we consider a few things: how they dressed, how they talked, what was cool, and what they liked. And usually, we laugh about it. Will our children laugh, do you think? Will they fail to understand our times and circumstances, and remember only the silly things?

Nope, again. They’ll probably get it right, and still find us freaking hilarious. Or, at least, yours will. The first time my kids give me some lip, I’m putting all their toys in a box in the front yard. The box will say: “Joseph Jr.’s Free Stuff! Please Take and Enjoy!” I’ll also only refer to my children as “Mouth to Feed” or “Tax Write-off” until they bring me the pelt of a lion they’ve slain with their bare hands. I want to set high standards.

But that isn’t really my point. My point is, what will future generations remember about this particular decade?

How we dress: From what I can tell – which might not be very much – there are two schools of fashion right now. There’s the Retro camp, where you wear clothes that seem to say “I jumped Marty McFly, stole the De Lorian, and drove it to a dumpster from the early 1980’s”: Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Entertainment, humor | Comments (1)

Electrical Hammers and Unholy Ninjas: The Diary of One Gamer

December 10, 2007 – 12:57 am

I’m terrified of video games. I feel them too much.

They stress me out, they scare me, they show me the several million different ways in which I could die. I’ve seen so much bloodshed, so much explosive chaos that ends in ‘Game over,’ that I’m just not sure I can take it anymore. My hands shake when I try to eat.

Whenever I see a commercial for a new game on TV, I have flashbacks.

When I come to, I find myself threatening family members with the neck of a broken bottle, screaming things like “I’m wearing level 48 armor and an invisibility cape! Nobody come near me!”

This has been the subject of several family conferences, but I’ve been trying to find different ways to cope, and the one that has worked best has been a diary. It’s not the “manliest” thing in the world. It’s certainly not something that would convince girls that I’m “the one.” It might even be the sort of thing that causes other guys to “shove my head in a toilet,” and “pee in my shoes,” and then make me “wear my pee-shoes around all day.” You know, hypothetically. Anyway, let me show you some of what I’ve written.

Entry 1

0800 hours. My eyes are darting all over the screen. Lights and sounds assault at me at several hundred miles a minute, and I find myself envying the epileptics that get to have a seizure and just get the business over with. I’m pretty sure this is what it feels like to either be an anime character, or take heroin.

Ever hear of a game called “Splinter Cell”? It’s somewhat older, and the basic premise is as follows: you control a spy that has to sneak around in the shadows, gathering intelligence and silently killing a series of malcontents planning some rather seedy crap. The key in this game is to creep silently and slaughter stealthily, without getting detected.

When I play, I try to do the things I’m supposed to do, but my sneaking isn’t terribly sneaky – guards catch me all the time. They greet me with search lights and high caliber weapons (but once, just once, I wish it would be a surprise party). You know, sometimes, while going around a corner, I’ll pause the game just so I can wipe my hands on my jeans/the tears out of my eyes. But I have to press on. But I can’t press on. My bladder hurts.

The guy on the screen didn’t sign up for all of this! I think to myself. He’s just waiting for me to give him commands, but I’ve frozen up. The chain of command hasn’t just been broken, it’s been dipped in liquid nitrogen and drunkenly thrown against the neighbor’s garage. He creeps forward, and suddenly it’s carnage on the screen; my man looks like a straw that sky-dove right into the middle of a fireworks extravaganza. He might be digital, but I feel for him. All he wanted was to serve the stars and stripes. Every time I touch that controller, another good, 128-bit man dies. I imagine I feel the same way that many seasoned generals do: guilty, haunted by my mistakes, and sort of wanting to write a book about myself.

Entry 2

I’m in combat for 20 minutes – or maybe 20 years. I just can’t tell anymore. Time seems to shrink and dilate. I don’t measure time in minutes anymore, but rather in game deaths – by the hundreds. I’m playing “Halo 3″ online, and while I believe the good Lord made me to do many things, such as taking my shirt off for the ladies, he definitely didn’t make me for this. Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Entertainment, Science & Technology, humor | Comments (1)

The Conman’s Guide to Bagging an Oscar

November 23, 2007 – 5:52 am

I’m an “opportunity man:” a man that knows how to take advantage of the chances that life slings your way. It’s easy. You just have to know what to look for and how to think on your feet – it’s really very simple.

For instance, let’s say there’s a lady walking her dog in the park: just a pleasant scene involving exercise and loving companionship, right? Maybe so, to the layman, but I see pure potential. Watch.

Step 1: Cut the leash in half, and kidnap the dog.

Step 2: Wait for her to read the ransom note you scrawled. (Put a skull and crossbones on it. If you’re a particularly gifted artist, make it a dog skull, so she knows you’re not to be trifled with.)

Step 3: Payday.

Even if she doesn’t pay, you just scored yourself a Pomeranian, and at least part of a leash. See? Pure elegance. Now, let’s apply this same thinking to the movie industry. How does one get an Oscar nomination, anyway? Well, it’s actually pretty easy! You see, I’ve done a careful analysis of all the Oscar-nominated films in the last six years, and I know what it takes to be edgy. I call this the “Iñárritu formula.” Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Entertainment, humor, movies, music | Comments (0)

All Over Again

October 15, 2007 – 6:57 pm

(This article was originally published in Jordan’s Living Well magazine)

I fell asleep on the couch the other day while watching TV. When I woke up, the first thing I heard was a line from a very weird movie whose characters were upsetting the flow of my dreams with their noisy science fiction weapons. Don’t you hate it when that happens, when outside noises or actions intrude upon your dreams and become part of them? I’m sure you have all experienced this annoying amalgamation of reality with fantasy. You’ll be about to kiss a beautiful model on a secluded beach and then she suddenly starts punching you in the face for no reason, only to wake up and discover that it’s your little daughter who crept into your bed at night and started kicking your nose in her sleep. Don’t even try to re-dream that moment from where you left off. It just never works.

Anyway, in this movie, which I later found out was the screen adaptation of”The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, planet Earth was apparently destroyed and was now being rebuilt from scratch. The line I caught when I opened my eyes was of the main character being asked by the re-builders of the planet whether he would like any changes to be made to the new Earth (I did say that the movie was very weird). At this point, I immediately went back to sleep on the same couch. Of course, as I said, you can never hook up to that paradise oasis you just unwillingly departed. No, it’s that recurring plane crash instead. Or even that painfully protracted drowning scene where, after losing hope, you suddenly discover that you need not have panicked because you can breathe effortlessly underwater after all – and that you can actually talk to dolphins. Where the hell did that kick-boxing model go, for God’s sake? And what am I doing alone in the cockpit of a crashing jet diving into the ocean? Read More »

By Zaid Nabulsi | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, humor | Comments (0)

The Sweetest Thing

August 16, 2007 – 3:35 pm

As millions of other people in this sick, sad world of ours, I follow in the footsteps of Winston Churchill. Am I a charismatic leader who overcame the Nazis and a lisp? Am I a defiant showstopper with a knack for draining “native” rebellions of their energy and whiskey bottles of their contents? No, no, no. I’m only depressed.Watching the Premier League is not exactly an orthodox way of treating a bout of depression. I can’t, however, afford a counselor. Pills are known for their tendency to cause lethargy. Star of BBC’s resurrected and resplendent “Doctor Who” series, David Tennant, refuses to make house-calls. And so, I am forced to self-medicate.

One of the more obvious ways in which the Premiership can inspire one to crawl out of bed in the morning and do the things that the spoiled brats with normally-wired brains do, is the sense of belonging it inspires. When you are depressed, you do not want to feel alone (alone with mounds of chocolate, alone with sharp objects, etc.). And as the dark universe stretches out in infinite directions all around you, it’s a comfort to know that there are, out there, small pockets of warmth: pubs full of like-minded individuals spilling beer down the front of their shirts and yelling rude things at the television. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, Society, humor, sports | Comments (0)

Marie Antoinette

November 8, 2006 – 6:59 pm

Every single person I come across seems to hate this movie. It’s “silly.” It’s “weird.” It’s “NOT HISTORICALLY ACCURATE!”

While I don’t think the film is a stunner like “Lost in Translation,” it did rock my world on several levels.

First of all, I wish the humourless drones harping on about various inaccuracies would lighten the hell up. This isn’t a period piece. It takes the lush landscape of the doomed court at Versailles and subverts it. It exists in a time of its own. The timeline largely concerns itself with the history of emotions, rather than with a history of events. People who missed out on that crucial bit of information and are bursting at the seams with righteous indignation ought to take a chill pill. Or a chill suppository. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, movies | Comments (0)

Megeve – Skiing and Guided Ski Tours In The Heart Of The French Alps

August 16, 2006 – 5:02 pm
    How to get to Megeve… But don’t tell anyone!

Megeve is well known by few and is a jealously guarded secret among those that frequent its ski slopes; Michelin Guide rated restaurants, high-end shopping stores, Casino and quaint narrow cobbled streets. The village is dominated the traditional church belfry, by a square all in a pedestrian friendly atmosphere. Horse drawn sleighs carry tourists all over during the peak periods adding a festive and memorable experience for young and old. Read More »

By Feature Writer | Posted in Entertainment, Society, europe, sports, travel | Comments (0)

United 93

May 5, 2006 – 7:01 pm
    On controversy and great filmmaking

“United 93” could have easily been gratuitous, or cheesy, or exploitative. It is none of these things. If you feel ready to confront the tragedy of the hijacked flight, and the general bloodbath of September 11th, 2001 on the big screen, this is not a film to miss.

At first, I was opposed to the fact that this picture was even made. I began to change my mind when I learned that director Paul Greengrass engaged the victims’ families in attempting to create an accurate portrayal of their loved ones. A few days before opening night, I felt ready to see this movie. In fact, I craved it – the film, or rather the idea of it, was like a bruise I could not stop touching. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment | Comments (0)