The sentient wig occupying the White House has delivered his first State of the Union address. I didn’t watch it, I was busy composing rap rhymes about the sentient bare torso occupying the Kremlin on Twitter. I’m still being forced to write this review of SOTU, though — big up to my editor! — so strap in.
Whatever you may think about Trump and his politics, it’s important to note the things that didn’t actually happen during the SOTU.
For example: The president did not arrive on a tank flanked by grenade-wielding ICE agents in KKK hoods. And don’t give me that crap about how, “Natalia, he couldn’t have done it if he wanted to, the streets in Washington are not built for tanks — and hoods and grenades would be a poor choice from a security standpoint.” This is not a president who cares about laws — let alone such petty things as road infrastructure or security protocols or facts or the dignity of his office or dignity in general or democracy or humanity or values or principles anything that doesn’t involve the the temporary artificial inflation of his fragile narcissist’s ego. So give this sad approximation of a man some credit here.
Another bold choice the president DIDN’T make was dragging Melania into the House by a chain after humiliating her by paying hush money to a porn star. While it really would’ve showed the family values crowd that the president remains committed to their cause, it also might have messed with Melania’s overall look, and inasmuch as the president is capable of any human feelings toward his current wife, that look — like a stone-carved Madonna who would shoot blue lasers out of her eyes, if she could (please, God, let this be her secret superpower, to be unleashed before this presidential term is over) — plays a central part. So you have to give it to the man — he’s kind of a humanitarian for at least not abusing/disgracing the First Lady publicly. In fact, I’m pretty sure that Katie Roiphe is already getting ready to pen a think piece on just this point.
Nobody went all Red Wedding on the Democrats who showed up. Feel free to disagree, but skipping mass murder is automatically a plus in my book.
Mike Pence didn’t accidentally call anyone “mother.” That we heard of, anyway. Thank you, mics, for not picking up on it if it did, in fact, happen. And you know it must have.
I don’t mean to be too partisan, but it’s a good thing that Paul Ryan skipped his offering of a sacrificial virgin to the vengeful god of Ayn Rand. Stephen Miller is safe for now. Probably.
Speaking of Stephen Miller, isn’t it nice that he didn’t shriek, unhinge his jaw, and chase after DACA recipients in attendance? Say what you want about us millennials lacking basic manners in this day and age — Stephen resisting his primal urges like that was a brave and courteous act, just like it is brave and courteous of men to resist raping all women they come across (because — nature!).
As a nation, we got through an evening without starting WWIII, so we can pat ourselves on the back for that one too. We should keep doing that throughout all of the evenings. For the foreseeable future. Assuming we have one.
None of the Trump children humped a chair in public view or screamed “YOU NEVER LOVED ME BEST” and “IT WAS **I** WHO MASTURBATED INTO ALL OF THE TOWELS AT MAR-A-LAGO” at their father. This is another epic win for everyone.
Um, while I’m struggling to think of them right now, other things that could’ve happened totally didn’t happen, which is good. Like, nobody publicly made out with Vladimir Putin. In fact, Putin didn’t even show up — just to check up on his investment in our democracy, as any prudent businessman would — while he very well could have. And that just would’ve been awkward. Like, you know at least one congressional bobblehead would’ve assumed that Melania speaks Russian while introducing the two. “Oh, you mean the lands on the wrong side of the Iron Curtain weren’t all Soviet Russlandia?” God, I hate those conversations when they happen.
Besides all that, God totally didn’t squint, sigh, and lob a giant meteor at the Capitol. But I guess there’s always next year.
Photo: The White House/Creative Commons