Are you worried about North Korea nuking you in your sleep? Is Weird Al Yankovic’s “Christmas at Ground Zero” playing on a loop in your head these days?
Never fear! The sentient wig-turned-reality-TV-star-turned-President-of-the-United-States known as Donald J. Trump is in charge, after all, and he is, above all else, a totally rational and pragmatic kind of politician.
Here are just some of the ways in which the man his admirers call “The Donald” will be able to make this entire North Korea kerfuffle go away:
Build a wall
Trump has already convinced the raging racists…I mean, decent, hardworking people who just happen not to like it when coloreds ride in the front of the bus…that building a wall between The United States and Mexico will magically solve all kinds of problems — from unemployment to drug addiction, from crumbling infrastructure to growing social inequality.
How will it all work? Well, no one knows exactly, but considering the potential benefits, we should go ahead and build a wall around North Korea.
Bricks will do, but sandbags can also work, in a pinch.
In an added twist of diplomatic brilliance, we will make South Korea pay for it! Somehow. If not, China can pitch in. And if China doesn’t like it, Trump can use one of his catchphrases on them. “You’re fired” will probably work. “Fake news” might too. Subtweeting Xi Jinping from the White House at three in the morning will definitely work — I mean, does he look like a dude who can withstand a righteous tweetstorm? Didn’t think so.
Lock her up
Nobody likes Hillary Clinton, so why would North Koreans feel any different? Nobody likes women who are nasty — not to mention women who hire sex hitmen to run bestiality porn rings out of Pizza Hut, or whatever that story was…
Anyway, my point is, just go ahead and lock Hillary up. Just do it. Trump that bitch. Get that swamp thing on corruption charges. We all know she used your tax money for her personal pantsuit budget. Get Jeff Sessions to figure it out when he’s not busy helping ruin the lives of DACA recipients.
So we jail Hillary, and then we roll up on Kim Jong-un, and we’re like, “Yo Kim. Now it’s time to hold up your end of the bargain. Stop it with the crazy nuke stuff and just go back to executing your relatives or whatever it is you do to unwind.”
And Kim Jong-un will be like, “What bargain?” And we will be like… Uh…
… Actually, you know what, on further reflection, it has become obvious to me that we should just go ahead and execute Hillary too. And then round up some random people and execute them too. On live TV. Just to get the point across to Kim that we’re totally willing to start some shit. Like, he wants to kill Americans? Bruh, we’ll SHOW you how to kill Americans. We’ll take you to school on that one. Watch and learn, bruh.
Free MAGA hats for all
Remember how in prehistoric times the way to survive a nuclear blast was to just duck and cover under your desk? Let’s just make some “Make America Great Again” hats out of the same material those desks were made of.
Ivanka Trump should naturally get the contract on that one. Hell, she can do it in one of her Chinese sweatshops. Give Xi a bigger cut than usual if he’s still angry about the subtweeting business.
Now, I know what you’re going to say, “But Natalia, this plan is insane and it won’t work. We need to make those wooden MAGA hats in America.” And I hear you, I totally do. I’m a patriot just like you are. But Chinese political prisoners work pretty quickly, and we need to be quick lest a mushroom cloud bloom over our heads and we all get stuck in the iconic 8th episode of “Twin Peaks: The Return.”
After the crisis is done, we can think about building some Ivanka sweatshops on our own soil, of course. After all, we’re trying to bring jobs back and everything.
Debunk nuclear “science”
Have you noticed how some of the people screaming most loudly about the North Korea crisis are connected to the nefarious science lobby? Like, it’s literally the same people who are yammering on about climate change this, and you-shouldn’t-look-directly-at-a-solar-eclipse that. Pretty convenient, isn’t it?
Maybe it’s time to pay up for an honest, unbiased study of nukes and the so-called science behind them. Are they really capable of killing us all? Frankly, it all sounds as suspicious as the whole “you should vaccinate your kids” crap. It may not ALL be a Deep State conspiracy… or it very well could be.
There’s a certain kind of fascism to science. You ask them to prove their assertions and they send you to read some PDF that’s a thousand pages long and which no one has the time for anyway. Or they use words you don’t understand, like thermonuclear whatever.
We built this country on values such as freedom. If I *want* to believe that nukes can’t harm me and my family, then no one should *force* me to believe it. So let’s go ahead and call Kim Jong-un’s bluff. You may say he is “unhinged” and that “things could go terribly wrong,” but that’s just one opinion out of many, like the opinion that the moon landing is real or that Obama isn’t actually a space lizard.
So whatever. Either way, Trump will take great care of things, the man’s got integrity — his business history and how seriously he takes his marriage vows is all the proof you need. We’re in good hands, fellow Americans. Sleep tight.
Photo: Gage Skidmore/Creative Commons