I look at Facebook only occasionally. I usually update my status and send a few messages, but every two months or so, I really comb through, looking at pictures, reading notes, and so forth. Additionally, I check Craigslist on a daily basis, because it presents a perfect cross-section of the shamelessness and stupidity that people hide when you meet them face to face.
During my carefree browsing, I’ve started to realize that there’s a ton of gold-star, first-grade, tragically unintentional humor out there. I went ahead and picked out a few of the MVP’s, to share the wealth. Any bolding is just my way of saying “this part’s especially important –“ beyond that, all formatting and spelling has been retained.
This is all-new territory for me, writing about things and people that aren’t in the abstract, or a million miles away from me. I’ve kept it all good and anonymous; if you recognize yourself, please understand there was certainly no harm intended. No, really.
But if you are still pissed off, I hope you’ll email me and let me know. No hard feelings OK? …Unless you’re the World of Warcraft guy – that shit is just mind-boggling.
For the rest of my readers, please do send in more comedy gold. Enjoy!
“The man I seek must appreciate a voluptuous figure, kind heart, world-class smile and beautiful mind. … I am a passionate and loving woman, very spiritually oriented as well as intelligent, a curvaceous woman good for cuddling. I love yoga, books, dancing, conversation, hot springs, Baja, beaches, music (rock and roll). No drugs or alcohol please.
5’4
Blonde-gray/hazel
HSV2”
This Craigslist posting starts out incredibly promising. Of course, then I remembered that this is the internet – and the internet is full of perverts and creeps. Still, she paints a beautiful portrait with words – passionate, loving, intelligent, cuddly. She loves all sorts of poetic things, like hot springs and beaches.
And then, as an afterthought, she mentions “HSV2.” For those of you unfamiliar with this little acronym, it stands for Herpes Simplex Virus Type-2, and it is almost certainly the reason that she’s trolling for men on the internet. All the rest of it was an elaborate smokescreen, meant to lull you into a fall sense of security. “Oh, I love beaches too! Maybe… maybe she’s the one.” Verbal quicksand, that’s what this is.
Unfortunately for her, the full disclosure at the end ruins her entire scheme. Frankly, seeing HSV2 at the end of this post is what I imagine it must have been like to go to the prom in “Carrie.” Everything’s wonderful until the doors to the gym slam shut and the lights start to flicker.
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“dude holla at me i have a 37 wp on praag bout to reroll destro tho ill roll on your server… both mik and i had full s4 locks, we both got glad 3 seasons, he actually broke 2400 last season…. but lock druid slsl was fing broken.”
You might find that the above quotation confuses and angers you. That is exactly the right emotional response, because reading that sentence is like having somebody sneak up behind you and force you to huff ether.
As best as I can tell, it’s a combination of faux-gangster speak and World of Warcraft acronyms. I won’t make fun of video games, because I like and play them. But I would never delude myself into thinking that I could make them sound cool by talking like this.
I could literally tie my laptop to my bumper, write ‘Just Married’ on my windshield, and drive around town all afternoon. I would still end up with sentences that make more sense than this.
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“We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn’t even need to socialize with anyone, just drink.”
I truly cannot tell if this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read, or the most brilliant.
On the one hand, everyone knows that clowns are really just human-shaped volcanoes of simmering rage towards a world that taunts and underpays them. At the same time, that rage is what makes clowns funny, because it certainly isn’t honking noses or bottles of seltzer water.
This plan could easily result in either a transcendently entertaining night, or a blood bath involving a hatchet that makes hilarious squeaking noises as it cleaves through human skulls. I would lean towards the second possibility, as any clown actually interested in this ad must already have so many emotional problems that disaster is just a matter of time.
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“The US has a long way to go, but this is a step in the right direction and I honestly don’t have a problem with it. Apparently you do. As usual.”
This quote gave me the idea for this entire article. The above was part of yet another political discussion taking place on Facebook, the premier forum for solving the world’s problems. In fact, I’m surprised that those U.N. idiots don’t get with the program and just have their meetings on a U.N. Facebook message board.
Anyway, what I like best about this response is how it goes from “political discourse” to “personal bitterness” in the space of three sentences. This is exactly the sort of passive-aggressive commentary that divorcees throw in when meeting their ex at the supermarket. “Oh, you believe in decreased Federal regulation of emerging markets? Well, you always were a bitch.”
Update: the person that wrote this was writing to someone that had dumped them. This is why I love the internet.
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“When will I begin striving to be all that I can be? F*ck the military, I’m not talking about that.” FB – just great.
I don’t have much to say about this statement. I just find it funny as hell.
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“What I realized in this particular discussion is that my emotion, my personal problems, are not a convincing argument.”
No way! No way!
Maybe that’s why I always lost in my high school debate competitions: my principal argument was “You’re making me cry, so just shut up, just shut up!” I’d usually spend the rest of the competition in the bathroom.
Unfortunately, the realization that it takes more than just feelings is preciously rare in these political times. If I had to point out the thing I hate most about elections, it’s the way that all the pedantic moralists come out of the woodwork, and base their point of view entirely on their feelings/whatever their parents taught them, and then go hunting for different “facts” to justify their stance.
“Obama had Marxist professors in college! Do you want to work in a Communism factory fueled by unborn babies?” “Oh, well, Sarah Palin spent a ton of money on clothes! How are we going to stop global warming from igniting our planet into a fireball with her around?”
Logic dictates that we objectively examine phenomena and then draw conclusions. Luckily for politics, logic is totally lame.
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“I know plenty of amazing people who hold views I consider ridiculous.”
Does “amazing” not mean what I think it means?
Actually – though I doubt it’s being used in the literal sense here, it is possible to find somebody amazing and yet hold their views in contempt. Unless you’re me.
I pride myself on being extremely close-minded, and I literally refuse to be amazed, entertained by, or cheered up by anybody that doesn’t agree with me. When I heard David Copperfield’s views on immigration, I started attending all of his shows and heckling. “I can see the mirrors! That’s a wire! You’re not better than me, Copperfield! You’re worse!”
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“A warning to all males out there: After handling fresh jalapeno peppers, you MUST wash your hands BEFORE using the bathroom…”
This was a note on Facebook. Just what you see there, that’s it. It’s funny and informative. It literally tells an entire story without even trying. This is probably one of the best Facebook notes ever written.
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“Let none of us fall prey to Satan’s devices.”
I bet Satan’s latest device is the iPhone – mp3’s, email, the internet. I saw a guy watching YouTube on it the other day.
The minute I get an iPhone, I’m hurling it in some bathwater. If I even see it try to float, I’m going to start screaming “witch!” while I pound it with a rock.
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“Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight.
You have stolen my heart.”
The first sentence was the heading to this heart-rending Missed Connection on Craigslist.
If I had to guess, I would say that persons Alpha and Beta met at a bar, got fairly drunk, and sloppily made out under one of those outdoor heating lamps that looks suspiciously like a rocket ship. Eventually, Alpha’s friends pulled him/her away, asking them how they got so drunk as to make out with a buffalo, and Alpha replied by burping up some gin.
Poor Beta was left standing there holding the napkin on which Alpha had tried to write their phone number – which consisted of the letter ‘B’ and some triangles. Alpha went home, sobered up, and forgot it all ever happened. But Beta cherished the dream and wrote a haiku to post on Craigslist. The End.
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“I shouted “f*ck the police”…you made the black panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let’s chat after you make bail.”
Another star-crossed romance. This posting was entitled “You Were Getting Shoved in The Back Of A Cobb County Police Car,” which just speaks volumes by itself.
Also, imagine if these two hooked up and had some kids together. When their little girl asks how daddy and mommy met, it’s either going to turn into an in-depth lecture about the evils of Reaganomics, or a hair-raising tale of police brutality.
I like how the writer included “your hair is very pretty,” because that’s some deep, sensitive material right there. It shows that they’re all for the Cause, but they still appreciate the little things in life, like pretty hair or rosebuds in the spring time.
I also wonder what they’ll chat about once that person makes bail. Maybe they could discuss post-Marxist philosophy, or the intersection of ethics and Capitalism. Or what it’s like to have all of your pubic hair fall out after a run-in with law enforcement.