Joshua K. Frathole, of the prestigious AΣΣ fraternity deals with…
A bad organic chemistry exam score:
Hey, professor, appreciate you seein’ me. …Oh, yeah, it’s like 1:30. Office hours? Dude, I don’t even know what you mean. Is this your office? Yes. Is it an hour right now? Yeah, ok then. So, right, I just wanted to talk to you about this exam. See, you gave me a 35%, and if I’m being honest, sir? I just feel that is total balls, is what that is. I mean, I’m just being straight up with you, like man to man, and as one man to another, that is just straight up balls, dude.
Yeah, I have it with me, here you go. Sure, let’s definitely go over it. Yep. Yep. Well, now correct me if I’m wrong here, but we’re supposed to give the proper scientific names for these molecules, right?
Yeah. So this one has, like, this really long carbon chain coming off of it. So I said its name was “Professor Franklin Mandingo.” I mean, professors are scientific as shit, and well, I mean… Mandingo has, like, a long…. Look, it just makes sense. Are you really not getting this? Wait, “improper what?” Homoclature? Dude, is that like a queer bacteria? Oh, ok. Nomocooter. Got it. See, I’m writing it on the back of my hand because I’m definitely gonna learn that for the final.
Yeah, now this next question, about catalyzing reactions. Listen, I’m gonna level with you, dude. There’s so many things you can’t learn in these books and notes and calculators or whatever, ok? So believe you me, you want to catalyze a reaction? Then you get shortie to come back to your dorm, right? You put on your Rush album – which I listed right here – and when “Beneath, Between, and Behind” comes on, you take your shirt off and catalyze some shit. Trust me, broheme, it’s full-proof.
“Not quite what you meant?” Oh, gotcha. Well, listen, I’ve never really tried this approach on dudes, but I bet it would still work. Wait, what? Goddamn, you are hard to please, sir.
The U.S.’s debt to China:
China, hey there. Mmm. Lookin’ good, girl. Yeah, I saw you at the gym the other day, and I was gonna say hi, but, you know, you had your headphones in and I wasn’t trying to bother you or nothin’. So yeah, how’s it goin’? Yeah, yeah, cool.
Listen, can I get you another drink? Haha, of course you should! Yeah, just hold this and I’ll pour. Nope, not just yet. Just a bit more. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Now that is a drink! Is it good? Ha, you have like, the cutest gag reflex I’ve ever seen. Yeah you do. No, trust me, it’s the drink of champions.
So, uh, Luke was tellin’ me that you had scored, like, tons and tons of American dollars and you were lending them back to us for Treasury Bonds? Yeah, what’s up with that? No, I mean, it’s, you know, it’s fine. It’s fine if that’s how you feel you want to be. No, it’s not, like, bad. I just – ha, it’s stupid. No, I was just hanging out with Amanda the other day and – oh, that’s her over there. See her? She’s the one with, like, the bangin’ body? Yeah, so we were chilling yesterday, and she found a ton of American debts in her purse, but she, like, forgave them. Yeah, it was no big thing, she just told the U.S. that it was cool, and it was no big deal.
Anyway, she’s definitely coming out to our next barbecue. Haha, I actually forgot why I was telling that story. You don’t remember either? Hm, weird, right? Anyway, listen, Amanda’s probably looking for me, so I should, like, go over there, so – whoa. Way to chug down your beer! Haha, yeah, you look a little tipsy too. Well, listen, I have a few more beers back up in my dorm, and I got this sweet Rush album. You interested? Cool.
Yeah, I guess we can hold hands. I think you’re… um… awesome, so that’s totally straight. Hey, listen, you aren’t gonna be all lame and diversify governmental holdings or spend more cash domestically, are you? Because, frankly, that would make global markets even more volatile, and it would completely kill whatever’s between us. You don’t want that, do you? So let’s just go back up to my place and maybe loosen up about the T-bills and lending rates, you know? And maybe you could, you know, come out to a few barbecues? Maybe wear a bikini and some shorts? Sure, let’s talk about it upstairs. Listen to some Rush. (God bless America.)”
Appealing to the prison warden:
Warden Grimmer, man, I gotta tell you, so many of my bros want to stab you in the brains. What? Threat? Bro, that’s a compliment!
Look, I don’t know if you’ve hung out down there in the bathrooms a lot or anything, but trust me, the more people that want to stab you, the more of a badass you are. But hey, listen. Hey. Yo, do you see me, snapping my fingers here? Hello?
Yeah, so here’s the thing, ok? I don’t mean to complain now, because frankly, my stay here has been awesome. Yeah, I’m serious! I get to work out all day, and wear bandannas! We hang out and give each other these kickass tattoos, like on my tummy here! Somebody else does my laundry and tomorrow we get chicken-fried chicken for lunch. Listen, you should actually come and kick it with me and my boys on K block.
We could eat some crackers, or pee in the sink, or whatever. Seriously, you’re welcome, like, any time. Oh, yeah, why I’m here: I don’t know if you’ve realized, but this, well, this place has like no chicks. It’s like the Georgia Tech campus, only if you see some dude being all gay with his books and calculators and glasses, you’re allowed to beat him up. Hell, you’re encouraged, and I appreciate that, Warden, I really do.
But we have got to do something about the boob situation in this place! Listen, I came up with an idea I wanted to run by you, ok? No, hang on, just, like, shut up for a second. You’re gonna love this, trust me. Ok, ready? Honor system. Seriously, just give us like $20 and the night off to go and pick up some tail. We could even bring them back here, bang it out, you know how it goes! And in the morning, security could escort them out – which, really, would be awesome for me, because girls are always trying to stay over the next morning and, like, talk or find their pants or some shit.
No? Really? I thought that shit was gold. Anyways, dude, listen, it was great to talk to you. Seriously, any time you’re by K block, just holler. We’ll go take a dump in somebody’s cell and maybe listen to some Rush. Give each other tattoos, do some benchpress? Well, think it over, brofessor. Peace!
A med school interview:
“Fuckin’ A, brocephalus, what is up? Listen, man. Hey, listen, just before we get started, I just want to say how completely jacked I am to be in your doctor school. Like, you know House? Like, the show? Yeah, man. Good fuckin’ show, for real.
Anyway, my name’s Josh, dude, pleased for your acquaintance. Oh, yeah man, I’ll sit down. Appreciate it.
Hm, that is actually a really good question. Well, I actually have quite a few strengths, mostly, you know, in like my arms and traps? Yeah, those are the zones I’m really trying to hit hard of late. I’m also, like, really proficient at sit-ups. And, um, look, I don’t know if this is “interview” talk or whatever, but you seem like a pretty straight-up dude, so I’m just gonna put this out there, man.
I have, like, pretty incredible boner strength, ok? Like, I can bang. It. Out. Go ahead, man. Pound it, don’t leave me hanging! Whoa, hey man, I never said it was appropriate, but I’m trying to bring it to you real, ok? You have all these other doctor school applicants, and they don’t know shit about the real world. Sure, maybe they can tell you about, like, molecules, or anatomy or kissing other dudes or whatever.
But let me tell you something, bro-tasaurus rex, none of these other guys has gone down to Tijuana and seen a stripper with two dongs. That is some fuckin’ anatomy, dude. Think about that. Go ahead. Write it in your little notebook, I’ll wait.
Look, brotoplasm, here’s the bottom line: I can throw a wicked spiral, so I’m definitely coordinated enough for surgery. I’ve got a tattoo on the back of my right shoulder; it’s the Chinese symbol for “Water.” So I’m obviously pretty smart and deep and shit.
And frankly, I get it going with chicks, so I practically know everything I need to for, like, gynerology or whatever that specialty is. So why don’t you just stamp my hand or gimme my wristband or whatever, and let’s get this doctor shit on!