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Mitt Romney’s Marriage Plan To Fix Everything

Posted on Monday, October 22nd, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Author: Sady Doyle

Mitt Romney’s statement at the October 16th Presidential debate, in which he said that he would decrease gun violence in America by telling more people to get married before they have babies, have drawn fire for their coded racism, coded homophobia, coded sexism, kind of obvious and non-coded classism, and the fact that they managed to contain every form of prejudice you can imagine while also making no sense whatsoever.

“[We have to] make enormous efforts to enforce the gun laws that we have and to change the culture of violence we have… But let me mention another thing, and that is parents. We need moms and dads helping raise kids. Wherever possible, the — the benefit of having two parents in the home — and that’s not always possible. A lot of great single moms, single dads. But gosh, to tell our kids that before they have babies, they ought to think about getting married to someone — that’s a great idea because if there’s a two-parent family, the prospect of living in poverty goes down dramatically. The opportunities that the child will — will be able to achieve increase dramatically,” went the series of odd sentence fragments that inflamed the nation.

What is not well-known among even Romney’s biggest supporters is that this is actually a highly refined strategy from Romney’s camp, demonstrating his abilities to solve every single issue with marriage. Here, some more keen rhetoric from Mitt’s master plan.

Mr. Romney, how would your administration respond to a large-scale catastrophe, such as Hurricane Katrina?

Well, I believe in God. And I believe that we’re all children of the same God. And also I believe in, in floods. Floods caused by God. To demonstrate God’s anger at our sins. In the manner that, you know, poverty does that also. One of the things, that, for example, could be a sin, is premarital sex. It’s my understanding that many people in New Orleans have, they don’t have a lot of money. And also, they have – have sex with each other. And, you know, the statistics, the facts are, these things, they weren’t always – they weren’t married. They had intercourse with each other, and nobody said, “gosh, we should have a wedding, so that no vengeful deity obliterates our city as He did unto Sodom and Gomorrah. That’s a great idea.” So I would say, you know, marriage is, is important.

Mr. Romney, many have argued that our political discourse is becoming increasingly polarized, and that true bipartisanship is increasingly a thing of the past. What would your administration do to address this?

Well, when I hear, for example, the word “bipartisanship,” what I hear is “part.” And I also hear “bi,” which to me, it means, it means the number “two.” There are, people have other uses for that. But – two, it – that’s the number. So “bipartisanship,” is, we could say it’s about two, for example two people, interacting with, touching each other’s parts. And we need an arrangement in which two people can interact with each other’s parts, and the best one, the best arrangement for that, is marriage. Marriage. Gosh, isn’t that a great idea? That’s, you know, that’s a thing I think we really need to say.

Mr. Romney, many argue that America’s middle class is steadily disappearing; that we are increasingly becoming a nation of the very rich and the very poor. How would your administration address class disparities and the decay of the American dream?

Well, you know money is, is important. One thing you can say to the unemployed is, you know, “do you have a job? Have you thought about getting a job? Maybe you don’t have – you know, maybe you should try to get a job. Gosh, that’s a great idea.” But let me mention another thing, which is only saying that to men. To women, you can say things like, “get married.” What I’m saying is, poor people are, you know, they’re violent, in the way a filthy mob might be, and they say, you know, they don’t have bread. And statistics are, you know, that – that they haven’t tried eating cake yet. At weddings, they serve cake. So marriage, it can, it can provide that cake to them.

Mr. Romney, the robots have turned against us and become our masters. What shall we do?

Well, you see, the thing is that, with robots, with their technology, they don’t, they don’t marry each other. In the manner, you might say, in the manner of two people of the same gender having sex with each other, they can’t, they can’t legally marry. This isn’t prejudice I’m talking about, the fact is, robots, they don’t have… marriages. Because of, they’re loveless killing machines. What we need to – to do here is tell people: Get married. To someone of the opposite gender. Wouldn’t that be great? Because robots, they, they don’t… do that. I don’t, I… I mean, I think we see with so many unmarried people, that they aren’t, for example, married to anyone. Much like robots. What I’m saying is that anyone who isn’t married is a secret robot and we should rain fiery death upon them all. Yes.

Mr. Romney, my kitten is caught up a tree and I can’t get it down. Will you help?

You see, the thing I see when I look at your kitten is, it is not being given many chances to succeed. Many kittens, they come from homes where having two strong role models is not important. And they, they’re caught up trees. What I’m saying is, you aren’t married. Are you married? I’m not asking you out, no, I just… I see this kitten, and if you, perhaps, were married, it would think… “I don’t want to be up this tree any more. That’s a great idea.” No, you’re a very attractive young lady, I’m not… I’m not rejecting you, I just, you… look, many single women, they make the choice to have cats, and they… I’m not saying you’re a creepy single cat lady. We’ve got a lot of great creepy single cat ladies, look, when I was staffing my cabinet, I… look. I should leave now. Should I leave? I’m leaving.

Mr. Romney, it’s 2012. Yet people are still often driven by prejudice and hatred. What is wrong with us, Mr. Romney? Why haven’t we overcome these issues? Are our dreams of progress doomed to failure? Is the problem in our historical moment or in ourselves, Mr. Romney, some dark and primal core of human nature that drives us to power struggle and self-serving violence? What is the essence of humanity, Mr. Romney? Is it in our noble ideals, or in our brutal actions? What are we, this human race?

Look, just get married. Just do it. We’re all children of the same God, and his name is Jesus, and he wants you to get married. Everyone, right now, marry each other. Single audience members, look to your left. Look to your right. By now you have seen a single person of the opposite gender. You are in love with that person, and by God, if I have to do it with my own bare hands, you’re not leaving this goddamned auditorium until each and every Godless fornicating one of you is legally fucking married. Get ready for the happiest day of your lives, motherfuckers! Now MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!

Mr. Romney, shortly after the debate in which you said violence could be prevented by married parents and/or having lots of money, your fabulously wealthy son said he wanted to punch the President.

Look, violence is… you know, if you have two strong role models, which my son has, my wife Ann and I, we… you give them more of a chance to have success and they don’t… marriage, I… LOOK! OVER THERE! A BIRD!

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