An awkward boy is talking to two pretty girls he met at a coffee shop: can you imagine a more flinch-worthy scene?

Our hero wears a red shirt that marks him as a proponent of “AIDS Day” in no uncertain terms. He has a very efficient looking satchel, stickers all over his laptop, and the sort of subtly dry humor that… sucks. It never registers, and he doesn’t understand why people don’t laugh at what are probably fairly funny insights.

He currently isn’t getting anywhere with these girls. They’re both getting up to leave, and he’s sort of corralled one of them, but the other one is making her escape through the front door. The girl he’s trapped is twitching like a frightened new-born gazelle. She keeps glancing at the door, but her so-called friend is gone. She’s probably already in the car; she might very well be speeding towards the Georgia-Alabama border this very minute.

I’m only a bystander, but even I can tell that this guy has about as much sex appeal as the Republican National Convention. It will be a victory if she even gives him the dignity of a fake number with the right number of digits.

My friends, spring is coming. That means many things, but the one that I choose to dwell on is the maelstrom of failed courtship and disappointed organs that I see on a yearly basis. It’s as if everyone’s libido has been hibernating, and just woke up. It’s hungry, slightly disoriented, and wants to scratch its back against a pine tree. (How do we interpret that metaphor? Hungry = “Gotta get me some action.” Slightly disoriented = “Am I gay now? Hm.” Wants to scratch its back against a pine tree = “Poke people on Facebook until it gets creepy.”)

I, for one, would like to help everyone avoid any potential heartache. To this end, I’ve compiled some crucial tips for both guys and gals on dealing with that utterly confusing opposite gender. I’m a man of insight and experience, and I’m happy to share what I’ve learned. As to people interested in their own gender, well, I have to admit that I’m no expert, but I imagine that you can find some of this useful anyway.

Guys, let’s walk through the phases of a relationship together, shall we? Read More »