The Unholy Union of Starbucks and “Juno”

May 5, 2008 – 5:44 am

I’m fairly neutral on the subject of Starbucks, because I don’t care about coffee. Coffee generally reminds me of dirty, boiling water that has been poured through a rusty grating and into a cup by somebody who hates me.

I address the issue by adding a ton of cream or milk, and then enough sugar to create something that has been referred to as both a “diabetic Chernobyl” and “liquid renal failure.” But since I generally don’t care for coffee, I leave Starbucks alone for the most part, and Starbucks returns the courtesy.

That isn’t to say I haven’t given the whole enterprise some thought. Yes, Starbucks is a soulless, lumbering, obese corporate entity that sweats overpriced, fancy-named coffee into the mouths of the public. And yes, I’m unwaveringly annoyed by the way they try to sell me CD’s of music fresh from the rainforest when all I really want is to pay too much for an overly complex milkshake.

However, as a business distributing a product that isn’t definitively proven to harm us, they are legally protected in their pursuit of profit, no matter how aggravating it gets. Apparently, the upper-middle class can only drink coffee brewed by an ancient sect of Brazilian coffee monks in a remote bean-temple. And if this is the case – if there really is a population that needs the bland, heavy-handed illusion of worldliness and “alternatude” along with their income-accino – then so be it*.

I wouldn’t say that I choke on the atmosphere misdirected liberal guilt when I enter a Starbucks, but I do sometimes gag a little. Of course, this same atmosphere plays a large indirect part in Starbucks’ astronomical profit margins, so it’s not like they’re putting on the whole show just so that my gorge starts to rise.

Finally, we must remember that most dyed-in-the-tight-jeans hipsters tend to despise Starbucks for being mainstream, capitalist, and lame. And since the hipster view of just about everything is factually wrong, I can’t dislike Starbucks. Neutrality is about as hostile as I can get.

Now, I don’t know if many of you have heard, but Starbucks is selling the movie “Juno” on DVD. This is a case where two things that are blindingly alike have come together – it is both disorienting and inevitable. Read More »

By Joe Hormes | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, food, humor, movies | Comments (4)

Geert Wilders, “Fitna,” and the Last Refuge of the Bigoted

April 14, 2008 – 9:04 am

Fitna (the Arabic word for ‘dissension’), a new film by Geert Wilders, a rightwing Dutch parliamentarian, should not be suppressed.

This isn’t because it has anything valuable or insightful to offer to the debates surrounding Islam, modernity, or the convulsions wracking much of the Middle East. No, it must be seen so that it can be shown up for the insipid propaganda video it is.

To suppress the film in the name of political correctness only underscores the seductive mystery its creators have cultivated. Wilders & Co released snippets of info here and there, whipping up a torrent of anticipation for a film that can only be described as banal.

“Fitna” is a propaganda piece whose ‘aesthetic’ is comparable to those made by radical Islamists. The burning of effigies, extremist placards, and threats to website staff undertaken by Muslim vigilantes as a reaction to this film are themselves myopic and morally bankrupt. When ‘Muslim indignation’ takes a violent turn it merely confirms the claims of provocateurs like Wilders.

The film itself is not a critique of Islamic fundamentalism or even the tribal vestiges of malign practices such as stoning and female circumcision. Wilders’ enterprise is rather the pathetic attempt to salvage a ‘nativist’ conception of Dutch, and, more generally, European identity.

In order to fashion a ‘pristine’ and ‘untarnished’ representation of this idea, Wilders is forced to place it in contradistinction to a clearly defined enemy, represented by the looming threat of a monolithic and omnipresent ‘Islam’. Fitna is therefore yet another variant of the discursively manufactured ‘clash of civilizations’ thesis first argued for by Samuel P. Huntington in the American journal Foreign Affairs over a decade ago.

Wilders’ strategy is simple and crude. He arbitrarily picks out a few decontextualized lines from the Quran, then juxtaposes them with footage of obscene violence committed by Muslim extremists. 9/11, 7/7, and the Madrid Bombings, are paraded across the screen in an orgy of mayhem.

The propaganda videos of al-Qaeda and those inspired by their message equally rely on publicizing violence in order to attract recruits. Read More »

By Feature Writer | Posted in Arts & Literature, Current Affairs, europe, islam | Comments (3)

Heath Ledger Was the Cat’s Meow

January 23, 2008 – 3:41 am

Did I seriously just write the above headline? Heath Ledger was? He was?

People die young all the time. There’s nothing new under the sun, and tragic death in one’s prime is no exception. In many ways Heath Ledger was (here’s that dreadful word again) no more special than, say, the people dying in Palestine this week, many of them also young.

However, now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you: boy, did I adore Heath Ledger.

I adored him so much that I had arguments about him. People said, “he’s just another pretty boy,” and I said, “no he has range and depth, and the awesome factor like whoa.” People said, “awesome factor? Like whoa? What does that even mean?” And I said, “watch him, just watch him.”

Heath Ledger combined talent with a generally laid-back public persona. He was the guy who once moved to Brooklyn because he didn’t want to be photographed every time he stepped into a Starbucks or kissed his girlfriend. He wasn’t afraid to look like he hadn’t spent five hours with five different stylists. He was good even in the bad films (”The Brothers Grimm” come to mind).

He wasn’t afraid of taking on controversial roles and acting in scenes that would inspire most of our true-blue Hollywood heroes to run away screaming. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Current Affairs, Entertainment, movies, obituary | Comments (3)

The Conman’s Guide to Bagging an Oscar

November 23, 2007 – 5:52 am

I’m an “opportunity man:” a man that knows how to take advantage of the chances that life slings your way. It’s easy. You just have to know what to look for and how to think on your feet – it’s really very simple.

For instance, let’s say there’s a lady walking her dog in the park: just a pleasant scene involving exercise and loving companionship, right? Maybe so, to the layman, but I see pure potential. Watch.

Step 1: Cut the leash in half, and kidnap the dog.

Step 2: Wait for her to read the ransom note you scrawled. (Put a skull and crossbones on it. If you’re a particularly gifted artist, make it a dog skull, so she knows you’re not to be trifled with.)

Step 3: Payday.

Even if she doesn’t pay, you just scored yourself a Pomeranian, and at least part of a leash. See? Pure elegance. Now, let’s apply this same thinking to the movie industry. How does one get an Oscar nomination, anyway? Well, it’s actually pretty easy! You see, I’ve done a careful analysis of all the Oscar-nominated films in the last six years, and I know what it takes to be edgy. I call this the “Iñárritu formula.” Read More »

By Joe Hormes | Posted in Entertainment, humor, movies, music | Comments (0)

Marie Antoinette

November 8, 2006 – 6:59 pm

Every single person I come across seems to hate this movie. It’s “silly.” It’s “weird.” It’s “NOT HISTORICALLY ACCURATE!”

While I don’t think the film is a stunner like “Lost in Translation,” it did rock my world on several levels.

First of all, I wish the humourless drones harping on about various inaccuracies would lighten the hell up. This isn’t a period piece. It takes the lush landscape of the doomed court at Versailles and subverts it. It exists in a time of its own. The timeline largely concerns itself with the history of emotions, rather than with a history of events. People who missed out on that crucial bit of information and are bursting at the seams with righteous indignation ought to take a chill pill. Or a chill suppository. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, movies | Comments (0)

The Terrorists Have Won

July 6, 2006 – 9:41 pm

I recently saw the film “The Siege,” made in 1998, about terrorist bombs going off in New York City. Of course, Middle Eastern men planted the bombs and soldier Bruce Willis, taking marching orders from the president, imposes martial law, rounds up first all those from the Mideast, then other foreigners and finally U.S. citizens and puts them in camps. Read More »

By Feature Writer | Posted in Current Affairs, human rights, north america, politics, terrorism | Comments (0)

United 93

May 5, 2006 – 7:01 pm
    On controversy and great filmmaking

“United 93” could have easily been gratuitous, or cheesy, or exploitative. It is none of these things. If you feel ready to confront the tragedy of the hijacked flight, and the general bloodbath of September 11th, 2001 on the big screen, this is not a film to miss.

At first, I was opposed to the fact that this picture was even made. I began to change my mind when I learned that director Paul Greengrass engaged the victims’ families in attempting to create an accurate portrayal of their loved ones. A few days before opening night, I felt ready to see this movie. In fact, I craved it – the film, or rather the idea of it, was like a bruise I could not stop touching. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment | Comments (0)

Finally, Leigh Whannell Shows America What a Worthwhile Film is All About

February 1, 2006 – 7:04 pm
    How the “SAW” movies beat the predictability of Hollywood

I’ve never been much of a moviegoer, mainly because the majority of the films made these days have a poor (even non-existent) story line, no theme, and use sex and pointless, macho action in a desperate attempt to sell an overall weak movie. Sure, a lot of people think that’s enough. As long as you don’t have to think and you get a shot of a woman’s breasts in the process, most think they’ve found a good deal.

I couldn’t disagree more.

I have my sister to thank for renting Whannell’s first film, Saw, back in March 2005. From the moment I saw (pardon the pun) this film, I knew it was unlike any other I had seen. To say it is well written is an understatement. It’s humorous in a dry sort of way, which probably wasn’t easy considering the overall tone of the film. He managed to create the illusive entertaining movie with a message that doesn’t need excess bulk and garbage to sell. Read More »

By Feature Writer | Posted in Entertainment | Comments (0)

It’s the Movies, Stupid!

November 8, 2004 – 9:51 pm

George W. Bush won for a simpler reason than all political pundits would like to admit. It has nothing to do with the economy, security, Iraq , gay marriage or moral values – all highly sophisticated issues for the average uninformed and apathetic American voter.

Bush won because Kerry has an emotionless, expressionless face that did not seem to be capable of getting fired up by either anger or jubilation, no matter how hard he tried.

It is as simple as that. Bush won because Kerry is too much of a nice person who does not possess the qualities – nor the looks – of a macho American hero to whom the American people and culture are so incurably addicted. Read More »

By Zaid Nabulsi | Posted in Columnist, Current Affairs, Entertainment | Comments (0)

Wet Dreaming, Sort Of

May 1, 2004 – 7:05 pm
    On Bernardo Bertolucci’s “The Dreamers”

Decadence is good for you. Take your decadence like you take your vitamins.

I understood this whilst freezing my bum off outside a Canadian Cineplex, arguing with the boyfriend about the artistic merits of Bernardo Bertolucci’s “The Dreamers,” the movie that has the gatekeepers of America’s family values system being pumped with Thorazine up to their gills.

The film dares to display full frontal nudity, you see.

The horror! The horror! I can’t handle it! Give me some family-friendly bloody violence instead! Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Arts & Literature, Columnist, Entertainment | Comments (0)