In some Best Western on the campaign trail in Red State America, the Republican Standard Bearer awakens. “Psst,” he says, nudging his wife. “Psst. Cindy? Are you awake?” “John, it’s 4:30...
Author's note to her faithful American readers: yes, I mean football as in "soccer." "Soccer" is an ugly word and the rest of the world barely uses it. I wake up today to a sad world. Sure, things...
I’m like a million other people: I’m at the airport, waiting for a flight. I packed last night, and even checked in on-line; it was all extremely organized. I’m that sort of person. Of course,...
I’m fairly neutral on the subject of Starbucks, because I don’t care about coffee. Coffee generally reminds me of dirty, boiling water that has been poured through a rusty grating and into a cup...
I want to provide you with a mariner’s chart of my character: the contrasts and topography of my chipped, flawed personality. What the hell, you ask? Well, this is based on that narcissism that all...
Having an attachment to an inanimate object gives me pause, but I have such an attachment nonetheless. See, we've finally given the family transport vehicle, a 1994 black Suburban, otherwise known as...
"...letters mingle souls" - John Donne. Since I’m something of a handsome expert on everything, I’m familiar with therapeutic techniques. These are the tools that psychiatrists use to keep you...
An awkward boy is talking to two pretty girls he met at a coffee shop: can you imagine a more flinch-worthy scene? Our hero wears a red shirt that marks him as a proponent of “AIDS Day” in no...
From fairy tales to film, everyone is obsessed with the idea of one's "firstborn." But what about the lastborn? For my part, I've recently discovered that the lastborn child has magical abilities. Of...
Why did I eat that doughnut? Why? What possessed me? I knew it looked sketchy, all sealed up in that plastic bag with a giant smiley face stamped on the front. My innards are so not smiling. Why...