I’m an “opportunity man:” a man that knows how to take advantage of the chances that life slings your way. It’s easy. You just have to know what to look for and how to think on your feet – it’s really very simple.
For instance, let’s say there’s a lady walking her dog in the park: just a pleasant scene involving exercise and loving companionship, right? Maybe so, to the layman, but I see pure potential. Watch.
Step 1: Cut the leash in half, and kidnap the dog.
Step 2: Wait for her to read the ransom note you scrawled. (Put a skull and crossbones on it. If you’re a particularly gifted artist, make it a dog skull, so she knows you’re not to be trifled with.)
Step 3: Payday.
Even if she doesn’t pay, you just scored yourself a Pomeranian, and at least part of a leash. See? Pure elegance. Now, let’s apply this same thinking to the movie industry. How does one get an Oscar nomination, anyway? Well, it’s actually pretty easy! You see, I’ve done a careful analysis of all the Oscar-nominated films in the last six years, and I know what it takes to be edgy. I call this the “Iñárritu formula.”
Step 1: Find at least one thing that everyone thinks is awful.
Step 2: Call it awful. Feature it prominently.
Step 3: Include some sex/masturbation. But remember the participant(s) can’t enjoy it. And if they do enjoy it, make sure they’re punished for it later.
Step 4: Make every scene look like gritty; pour sand all over the camera. Maybe pee on it.
Step 5: Make sure to pay lip-service to ethnicities and bag some big name actors. This is vital.
Step 6: Include more masturbation/sex. But the participant(s) can’t enjoy it, remember?
I’ve already started writing my own script, and I’ll be casting for parts soon. Just so you’ll have an idea of what I’m thinking, I’m going to leak a few parts of my incisive, boundary-crossing script.
Scene: The year is 2012. An old, blind, black man (probably Morgan Freeman, or else a version thereof) plays beautiful music on the piano, while his blind dog nods its head to the music. He turns to his (freaking adorable) 5-year old grandson, Louis, who is standing behind him, enjoying both the music and his civil liberties.
Louis: That is some wonderful, poignant music, Granddad. But how do you see the keys?
Granddad: [chuckles] I don’t see the keys, I see the music.
Louis: But your eyes are broken. I don’t understand.
Granddad: Sometimes, Louis, you just got to see with this. [Puts forefinger directly on kid’s heart without missing or fumbling] No Mans Land
[Then a swat team from the Music Police bursts through the window. They’re really Homeland Security.]
Swat 1: You are in violation of code 34! Desist in playing, and put your hands in the air! Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr. divx
Horton Hears a Who! download Half a Person movie
Louis: But we weren’t doing anything wrong!
Swat 2: The dog’s moving! [The dog is flung out the shattered window, followed by a grenade.]
Swat 1: Put your hands in the air! We’re confiscating this piano, and all of the music it could have produced!
Granddad: But, this was my mother’s piano. Please, officers.
Swat 2: Sorry, pal, we got orders. Orders from the President. [Swat 2 proceeds to have sex with the piano. Neither enjoys it.]
End scene.
Scene: Chuck and Nikki are having an affair. Their relationship is very complicated and neither of them is happy about anything, ever. They are in bed, but neither of them is smiling, or passionate, or in any way into it.
Chuck: Ubuntu is my wife, and I love her very much. I can’t believe we’re doing this.
Nikki: Forget Ubuntu. Forget everything. [Although you have to make it obvious that Nikki is a home-wreckin’ bitch who’s much more guilty than poor victim Chuck in all this, don’t forget her awesome boobs. Do lots of close-ups on these. Also, include them separately in the credits. You can therefore edgily cross genres: drama and soft-porn.]
Chuck: Christ, I can’t forget. My past is too painful, which is why the present barely exists to me. [Is totally disaffected and deadpan. Also, he has stubble.]
Nikki: Look, through the rain on the window. It’s… so bright. [She points to a single, tiny ray of sunlight coming through the window. It is being refracted into a beautiful, vivid rainbow.]
Chuck: Nothing is bright anymore. [Beats off on the rainbow. He doesn’t enjoy it. Neither does the rainbow.]
End scene.
Scene: Shylock Everyman is an everyman with a heart of gold. Genevieve Carter is a beautiful reporter that cares about the story, not her own looks. Shylock has been shot, and is bleeding to death.
Genevieve: Does it… does it hurt?
Shylock: Not as much as those illegal guns and diamonds would have hurt the orphans, Gen. It was [coughs], it was worth it.
Genevieve: But I have to get you to a hospital. [Her dirty, torn tank top tightens over her chest and really outlines all the good stuff, but she’s a reporter, and doesn’t care.]
Shylock: No. No, I want to die here, and let my nutrients sink into the soil. If I’m lucky, if we’re all lucky, those nutrients will nourish a single seed, and that single seed will turn into the biggest tree in the galaxy, and global warming will be over. That’s all we are, Genevieve. Just little seeds. [Dies]
Genevieve: [begins to cry uncontrollably as it starts raining and soaks through her clothes, but she’s a serious professional, and she doesn’t care.]
End scene.
See? Now tell me that wouldn’t get critical acclaim! It’s depressing. It has tragic figures. It grabs your heartstrings, and yet still has scenes that make you want to bleach your eyeballs. It has all the sentiments of the spotty, glasses-wearing 8th grader who hates everything, because he’s way too smart for it all (I mean, come on, he reads at, like, the college level). And most importantly, at no point is it ever fun to watch.
I’m an opportunity man. I know a sweet gig when I see one. Oscar-bid movies? Sweetest gig there is, considering how everyone loves you for duping them. So, see you on the big night.