Are you an international or local leader who doesn’t know how to talk to and about Donald J. Trump?
Are you worried about the possibility of the current U.S. president subtweeting you and/or bombing you and yours to smithereens?
In this new age of Twitter diplomacy, constant threats of nuclear war, and a U.S. State Department strategically having no strategy, it’s important to be able to approach the White House with care. By following these instructions carefully, you will be able to prevent a public dressing down and the unnecessary deaths of thousands, if not millions, of people.
Rule 1: Flatter Trump
Being leader of the most powerful nation in the world and tweeting insults at politicians stuck in disaster zones from the comforts of your golf course can be pretty stressful.
Sure, Trump’s life may look like it’s all about leisure, and babes, and decorating everything within his field of vision in 24k gold, but don’t let that fool you — none of that is as glamorous as it seems. It takes a lot of hard work to be able to constantly brag about your power and wealth, and those babes won’t exactly sexually harass themselves, this isn’t a task you can just outsource to your butler or Secret Service guy or whatever.
Showing some appreciation helps — so ahead and call Trump awesome. It’s a great word that we Americans in particular appreciate. Please make sure to use the correct pronunciation for maximum effect — AWWWESUUUM. Maybe add an appreciative “woo” in the end. Then you’d make Trump feel good, and he won’t be interested in doing bad things to you. Probably.
Rule 2: Flatter Trump
Ruling — it’s not just for Daenerys Targaryen as she gets stuck in a tedious subplot in Meereen. It’s also for old white men. In fact, it’s primarily for old white men, and if you think otherwise, you’re probably a nasty woman and/or an ungrateful Black person who’s angry about slavery and Jim Crow and racist police murdering Black people for no reason and all of those other things that are basically ancient history or at least very much last week.
So let Trump know that he rules. Put it on a t-shirt: “TRUMP RULES.” Or “TRUMP RULZ,” if you’re feeling edgy.
Wear that t-shirt to a summit. If you’re a woman who also, for whatever reason, happens to be a politician (like, I don’t know, someone needed to run for president of your country and your husband was busy fishing with his friends that weekend? Like, it was a really important fishing trip that they’d planned for months and put on their synchronized Google calendars and everything and then BLAMMO, an election happened, and you decided you wouldn’t ruin things for anyone and just ran in his stead?) you need to get a little bit more creative — maybe write “TRUMP RULES” in the sand with your nipple tassles? I don’t know, I’m just thinking out loud. Most political summits would be improved if the dress code involved nipple tassles.
Rule 3: Flatter Trump
The world of politics is a mean place. Everybody’s always bitching and moaning about things. You point out that some Nazis are actually very fine people, and everybody gets up in your face about it. You let it be known that Black men should keep their opinions to themselves, and a bunch of people are like, “Uncool, Donald!”
It’s an unfair situation, and it ought to be mitigated. One of the best ways to mitigate is of course to explain to Trump — and the rest of the world — that all of the Trump critics are worthless losers who are poor and jealous they can’t afford top of the line implants for their wives and mistresses and are therefore stuck with ghetto versions. Tell him the dipshits are upset they can’t get their hands on a wig made out of the hair of noble Aryan orphans. Remind him that their daughters aren’t nearly as hot as Ivanka — and they will never get to her exquisitely privileged level of Twitter tone-deafness. Tell him, “Donald, most of these people can’t hold a candle to the investors you defrauded — they’re not even worth stealing from!” Basically, keep Donald occupied with his real enemies so he doesn’t accidentally decide you’re an enemy when it’s late on the East Coast and he’s eyeing that nuclear football and having a senior moment.
Rule 4: Flatter Trump
The news is kind of a downer. It’s always hurricane this or mass shooting that. Everybody’s always asking for sympathy and clean water and sane gun laws and other hand-outs.
People are spoiled nowadays — which is weird, because most of them don’t have their millionaire fathers giving them a ton of money to get their business empires started.
So why not let Trump know that he doesn’t owe anybody anything? Like, seriously, the man has his hands full already. God knows how many mistresses alone he is currently sponsoring.
Tell him, “Mr. Trump, we don’t need your aid. It will only be gobbled up by poor, unattractive people anyway. The truth is, they really should’ve thought about it before being born into families of modest means and/or wading through toxic sewage or winding up in the hospital with a bunch of gross-looking bullet holes in them. Please do come and build a luxury resort here instead — and maybe those same poor, unattractive people can work there for minimum wage.” Everybody wins in this scenario!
Rule 5: Why are you still reading? Do I really need to keep spelling it out? Just please, for God’s sake, FLATTER TRUMP — and maybe we won’t end up with martial law and nuclear winter.
Photo: David Torcivia/Creative Commons