As someone who was recently accused of anti-incel propaganda, I am obviously very embarrassed and would like to clear my name.
In case you were wondering, “incel” is short for “involuntarily celibate,” and these are dudes who, in extreme cases, base their identities around not having a piece of meat to have sex with whenever they please.
Sure, that may SOUND pretty pathetic, but this is why I’m here to tell you that incels are clearly misunderstood. Yeah, they may technically be a hate group. At least some of them are violent misogynists who view women as animals (or probably worse than animals — I can’t imagine most of them being this hateful toward, say, dogs). Many more are misogynists of the more low-key, “I won’t necessarily do a massacre, but I WILL be weird and rude to that one cute barista AND spread misogynist memes online that may help inspire another massacre” variety.
But as with any hate group, we must ask the question, HOW CAN WOMEN MAKE THIS ALL THEIR FAULT, BECAUSE WE OBVIOUSLY CAN’T HAVE A BUNCH OF MOSTLY WHITE DUDES SIMPLY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS?
The very obvious, and mundane answer, would be, “Women don’t put out whenever incels angrily tell them to.”
But ladies, let’s be honest with ourselves. We have oppressed the incels in ways that are varied and sophisticated. Here are just some of the examples.
You probably want to make something out of yourself
Admit it, ever since you were a little girl, you’ve had dreams. Maybe even goals. If you’re reading my very serious and not at all satirical column, you’ve probably achieved at least some of them (for I am a niche product for the discerning reader, a macaron, if you will, to some people’s Jell-o).
But guess what? Making your dreams a reality and working hard toward your goals means that you alienate dudes whose moms still have to remind them to pierce the wrapper on their microwaveable butter chicken. So much so, that they may actually never arrive at that stage when they are cornering you at the end of the bar, blowing onion breath in your face as they demand you go with them to somewhere “a little more private.”
In other words, you and your goddamn aspirations are sapping the confidence of incels, and how are they supposed to get laid if they are not confident?!
You probably take pride in your appearance
Whatever your style is, you’re likely to cultivate it. Even not cultivating a style is a… style. Women work on themselves in a variety of ways, and even the most laid back among us are usually masters of the selfie when called upon.
Now, I agree with Jia Tolentino, who says that capitalism has now become about the selling of the self — and that the implications of that are dire. But you know what’s MORE dire? The fact that you’re intimidating incels with your goddamn looks.
Did you take a shower before you left the house today? Did you maybe even brush your hair? BOOM, you have made yourself more attractive than you COULD have been, thus making some poor incel somewhere intimidated by the thought of making eye contact with you at the pharmacy, let alone asking you if you’re on Instagram.
Honestly, why the hell do you have to remind these guys about what they absolutely cannot have??? Selfish bitch.
There are probably things in the world you take joy in
Maybe you share your home with a cuddly animal. Maybe you’ve recently reconnected with a beloved high school teacher. Maybe you really like it when “You Need To Calm Down” comes on the radio. Maybe you enjoy the sight of the first yellow leaves in August, quietly floating down.
Either way, your little moments of pleasure and contemplation amount to time that you do NOT spend feeling sorry for incels and worrying about their plight.
What’s even worse is that in those moments, you probably feel like a whole person. As someone who may not wish to settle for a shitty relationship with a deeply insecure, possibly abusive dude.
Shame on you, honestly.
You probably think you’re human
You cry when you feel pain. You’re afraid of spiders. Or maybe cockroaches. Or both. You have been known to hum in the shower. You miss grandma. You haven’t forgotten the first time you read a Harry Potter book. Or maybe it was Watership Down. You sometimes wonder if a memory is just a dream, or else if a dream is really a memory, rising to the surface of your mind.
Face it, you believe yourself to be a human being, as opposed to an object that someone else must use and control.
I’m sorry, but that stands against everything the incels believe in. You’re at war with them by merely existing. You oppress them with your inner world and the consciousness that creates and shapes it.
You’re a fucking devious whore for doing this, and this is why you are to blame for incel problems.
Photo: Anthony Crider