Out of all of the dumb things that have happened to me lately, nothing bewilders me more than the Russian-American woman who threatened me with the FBI and then called my ass fat.
It’s bewildering, because if you’ve spent any significant time in this country, you’ll know that a) most of us have nothing to fear from the FBI and b) most of us like a big butt.
In some ways, I guess, the “Russian” is stronger than the “American” in this particular hater among my many haters.
As my friends point out, I have the craziest troll interactions ever. I think this has to do with how personal both my writing style and my social media persona are — as an NYT writer I am fond of once explained to me, it’s jarring when a woman both offers serious foreign policy analysis on the Russian Federation AND jokes about being Twitter’s “most famous virgin.”
Trolls notice me more because of this, and try to match my energy.
The debacle that will henceforth be known as The FBI/Fat Ass Incident wasn’t just trolling, however. It went further than that.
You’re probably wondering what triggered this situation. The beginning was already ridiculous. The woman in question shares some mutual friends with me on Facebook, and had spotted my recently acquired tattoo: A stylized Ukrainian tryzub, or trident, with a sword running down the middle. I’d seen it on the neck of a Ukrainian soldier, and decided to get it on my forearm.
This woman became deeply offended by my display of loyalty to my native Ukraine. So offended that she told our mutual friend that she would get her in trouble for associating with me. Then she threatened to have me kicked off Facebook, by claiming that my tattoo was a “Nazi symbol.” Then she decided to deploy both fat-shaming and the feds.
This is dumb, right? But also, this is useful.
In fact, this situation can teach us all a valuable lesson about the politics and habits of the Russian majority:
- Russians believe that all Western security agencies are as corrupt and chaotic as the Russian ones. The woman who was trying to threaten me had seen me raise (some sadly very limited) funds for soldiers in Ukraine, and decided that I should and would therefore be investigated for “financing mercenaries.” At the very least, she figured she could hold the threat over my head
- Russians could use a bit of body positivity. In the seven frankly hellish years I spent in Russia, it was my fellow women who frequently derided my admittedly prominent bum. “I would be embarrassed if I looked like this,” one told me. Some of their comments were linked to my Ukrainian heritage — of course I was a lusty peasant with an obscene derriere, I was born in Kyiv! To be honest, I feel sorry for all of these people today. Whatever the size and shape of your butt, being a hater like this usually says more about you than it does about the other person
Fighting back against this proved easier than ever, as my nemesis, up until recently, had a public Instagram account that frequently disparaged her American in-laws. She thought it was safe to do so, as she wrote in Russian, detailing her “quirky” journey in the heartland, among the yokels, or so she described her husband’s family. Gosh. Awkward.
A few strategic screenshots later — why are these people always so stupid? — the matter was mostly settled. I told her that I would write about this incident too. Without using her name. Because I am a kind person, and a professional. She called me a “fat bitch” and blocked me for the last time.
Not everyone in the Russian-American diaspora is like this, of course. Plenty of Russian-Americans are here because they despise Putin and everything he stands for. Some even like curves, or, at the very least, don’t go around politicizing them.
As for me, I briefly got horrific flashbacks to my unhappy time in miserable Moscow. All of those extra long sweaters I bought. How I avoided doing squats for years and years, as to not make my scandalous butt more noticeable. How deeply alienated from myself I was.
There are no utopias in this cruel world. No places where we are ever truly safe and whole. But some places are still markedly better than others, and I include under that umbrella all countries that have not succumbed to fascism.
As the star of The FBI/Fat Ass incident proved to me, sometimes, we carry entire political systems in our heads, regardless of where we are located.
Image: Natalia Antonova