Crap, you have stolen your roommate’s burrito. It happens to the best of us. Don’t have a roommate? I assume you’ve stolen something at least once from the communal fridge at work/accidentally...
Dear Natasha, Can I call you that? Just kidding, of course I can. I do what I want. And unlike some people, I know that “Natasha” is a diminutive of the name Natalia in Russian, and hence it is...
“Is Trump going to bomb Iran now?” Sure, why not. Yes, yes, I can already hear all of you bleeding heart rogue state sympathizer traitors whining about how: “But the Middle East can’t stand...
The Deep State really screwed me over today. First it was the weird weather — too cold in the shade, too hot in the sun, so that I kept having to take my scarf out of my bag and put it on and then...
Hi from Fox News, friends. I am hanging out here, disguised as a Russian agent by affecting a convincing enough “Eastern Promises”-style accent while asking everyone for their e-mail passwords,...
As I watch the Olympics, I get a strange sense of emptiness. It’s not because of the economics of it all, nor is it because of the commercialization. I’m not some pinko commie, my dudes. And yet...
The sentient wig occupying the White House has delivered his first State of the Union address. I didn’t watch it, I was busy composing rap rhymes about the sentient bare torso occupying the Kremlin...
New year, new you! Except who are we actually kidding. It is widely known that the best New Year’s resolutions are the ones that do not, in any way, force you to try to wholly reinvent yourself —...
The world is ending. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the Earth. I see it every time the tangerine anus we elected to be our president logs onto Twitter. Because I am an American patriot, I...
American exceptionalism — the idea that the United States is unique among all other nations — gets a bad rap nowadays. Ever since we elected a sentient wig to the White House (where else would...