Even Paul Bettany can’t save “Legion”

Isn’t it funny, that when it comes to the end of the world, we’ll buy monsters, zombies and aliens as the harbingers of Apocalypse, but we won’t give the man (or woman) upstairs the time of day when it comes to it? Considering God invented the damn world in the first place, surely we should cut the almighty some slack and watch Armageddon the way it was intended to be shown?

Well, not if it means sitting through “Legion.” You’d have thought God might have a bit more clout in Hollywood, but it’s been years since he genuinely had the ear of the big studios. The lavish Biblical epics have long dried up.  This is the Apocalypse bargain bin style, and the real miracle is that it didn’t go straight to DVD.

“Legion” is bad. Not the “so bad it’s good” kind of bad, but the “so bad it makes you want to suffer the ten Plagues of Egypt” kind of bad. Even writer/director Scott Stewart admits how bad it is through dialogue like, “I got really good at being bad.”

If that isn’t bad enough there is even a “dumbass mechanic catching a baby before it hits the floor moment” that makes that scene out of “The Naked Gun” movies look like “Battleship Potemkin.”

I am not kidding right now.

The dumbass grease monkey is called Jeep, who is the the son of another dumbass, named Bob. The man who used to be Dennis Quaid – who used to be the thinking man’s Harrison Ford – plays this idiot. Bob owns the “Paradise Falls” diner, a sh*tpit in the middle of nowhere that just happens to employ the worst waitress in the world – Charlie. This Sarah Connor rip-off is the future mother of the Messiah. “Don’t do anything heroic,” she’s told. Don’t worry, she doesn’t.

Other patrons press-ganged to protect Charlie’s bump include a filthy rich family, a one handed veteran- Charles S. Dutton rehashing his performance from “Alien 3” – and the only gangbanger in movie history never to have bust a cap in yo ass. When a foul mouthed granny takes a bite out of one of the diners and scuttles up the wall doing the “Exorcist” spider walk, we know the end of the world is nigh.

God is pissed off. We don’t know why he is, he just is. So how does he try to exterminate us this time? Is it a flood? No. Is it a rain of fire? No. Is it the ice cream man? Could be. Frosty Treats is backed up by some crap Roger Corman extras and a mini version of Fred from Scooby Doo. Sigh.

Even these crap villains could be forgiven, if there was any action. Instead, we are made to suffer endless back-stories that try and cover up the lack of a budget. Not even the usually brilliant Paul Bettanay as the biro covered Archangel Michael can save us from this over-earnest tedium. He does wear a snazzy jacket and proves that not all Brits have bad teeth, though.

Believe it or not, there is another movie about avenging angels that is pretty good. It’s called “The Prophecy” and stars Christopher Walken and features a creepy cameo from Viggo Mortensen as Lucifer. If you fancy a bowl of angel delight track this hidden gem down and let “Legion” well alone.

“This is not a test,” reads the television’s emergency signal. Oh yes it is.