There is a vast conspiracy controlling the U.S. government, and it is comprised of vampires, Templars, and rich people.
Celebrities have a deep and innate understanding of the concerns of the working class: in fact, sometimes they have to pretend to be working class in their films!
Michael Phelps might in fact be the most perfectly built human swimmer ever born. He might also be part boat, which supports my claim that he isn’t human, but flies in the face of my manta ray theory.
“… I saw a man under tremendous pressure to determine when he felt like working, receive millions of dollars a year, and have tons of women trying to sleep with him all the time.”
“What a shocking twist! A woman pilot?! I hope she has enough sass! Ooh, and you know what would be really surprising? If she was actually vulnerable underneath her tough exterior!”
“Was it any of my loved ones?” That’s the completely understandable and utterly selfish question of the moment.
Yes, yes, I know, I said “sex,” but if you keep giggling, then Grandpa might get all distracted and forgetful and pee on your Xbox.
By the time I reached Chicago, I was absolutely convinced that I had a new traveling companion, a 5’7 white mallard duck named Travis.
DMX even sleeps angrily. He is a living embodiment of the philosophy, “temporary insanity is for losers.”
…airports are brimming with stupid. Making fun of airports is like playing chess with Nicole Ritchie, or arm wrestling a baby turtle, but I am not above any of those things.