New Year’s Eve is supposed to be one of the most joyous occasions to celebrate. No matter where you look – television, social media, emails, family, friends, co-workers – there seems to be great anticipation everywhere about the holiday. Socially, the farewell of the year is associated with colorfully decorated cities, families reviving their traditions, and people toasting the future enthusiastically. However, this portrait in the style of a Hallmark film is far from a reflection of the reality of every household.
Important studies have revealed that in the days leading up to the end of the year, many people are subject to a myriad of negative feelings such as shame, inferiority, loneliness, irritability, hopelessness, apathy, guilt, lack of motivation, and especially anxiety. Unfortunately, this celebration can awaken a sense of high vulnerability that makes it impossible to fully enjoy the occasion.
According to experts, Christmas and New Year’s Eve often present challenging demands that cause significant emotional toll. And the fact is that people must deal with holiday preparations, overspending, choosing gifts, preparing food and drink, family demands, and recently, the confinement rules imposed by the pandemic. Thus, days that should be pleasant and fun become especially difficult.
In addition, in the last month of the year there is the custom of reviewing our personal and professional lives. The end of an annual cycle invites us to balance the things we have achieved and the things that are still pending. In this way, people reflect on their achievements, their failures, their loves, their heartbreaks, and pay special attention to those missed opportunities. Many are obsessed with goal achievement, social comparison, and recognition from others. So far, it has been shown that people are especially distressed by unmet expectations.
As is to be expected, a significant number of people torture themselves frantically for not having made better use of their time and, as a consequence, they reproach themselves and feel frustrated. Some devalue themselves for not getting a promotion at work, or for not acquiring new possessions. Others denigrate themselves for not losing weight, or for not fraternizing with new friends. The point is that, instead of recognizing the progress and positive aspects achieved, many individuals tend to focus their attention exclusively on the problems they have not been able to face or the mistakes they have not been able to correct.
Obviously, if personal balance is unsatisfactory, it is quite natural that some feelings of sadness or frustration arise. However, the real problem occurs when individuals get into a (persistent) negative state of mind and start attacking themselves with devastating self-criticism.
Immediate thoughts are: I am unable to get ahead in life, I always do things wrong, I don’t measure up compared to others, I am the only person alone at the end of the year, there must be something very wrong with me, I am a failure/loser, I am not good enough, I have let everyone down, I will never get anywhere, I hope to fall asleep and wake up when Christmas is over, why can’t I be normal?
Fortunately, the practice of Self-Compassion has become an effective antidote to this type of anxiety associated with the Christmas season. It is worth noting that, Self-Compassion can be a starting point to reflect on ourselves, being neither too critical nor too indulgent; but rather equanimous and in an encouraging frame of mind.
The notion of Self-Compassion has existed in Eastern thought for centuries, however, it is relatively new in the West. This discipline can be understood as a deliberate effort to be kind, warm and understanding with oneself when challenging situations occur such as failures, disappointments, unfulfilled expectations, and emotional wounds. According to Kristin Neff, Professor at the University of Texas and pioneer in this field “With Self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend”.
Instead of ignoring pain or flagellating oneself with self-criticism, Self-Compassion teaches to accept and recognize that all human beings inevitably experience suffering and limitations. In this sense, specialists explain that, by being aware that any human being suffers and that their pain may be similar or more complex, people put their experiences into perspective, which helps them not to get stuck in their own problems.
Researchers such as Kristin Neff and Chris Germer have demonstrated that Self-Compassion has a preventive role in disorders related to mood and anxiety. In addition, findings suggest that those who cultivate a positive and encouraging attitude towards themselves are more likely to recognize their mistakes, learn from them and motivate themselves to improve.
It is noteworthy that if someone feels inadequate or distressed during the New Year’s Eve celebration, they can turn to Self-Compassion to alleviate their discomfort. Below is a series of exercises that help to connect with this practice:
Time of solitude
During the time in solitude, the person should imagine the stimulus that causes suffering and approach it. In this sense, it is necessary to perceive the trigger of the discomfort and to gain awareness of the thoughts and feelings it awakens.
Once hostility towards oneself appears, the individual must ask themself a key question: do I offer myself the same gentleness and respect that I offer to those close to me? If the answer is negative, it is necessary for the subject to ask themself the following questions: what would you say to a good friend if they were in the same situation? Would you offer them kindness and benevolence? How would you advise them to lessen or overcome their suffering? People who engage in this practice may realize the aggressive and harmful judgment they are subjecting themselves to.
Acts of affection
This exercise consists of giving tokens of affection and support to oneself. Some options include: taking a walk in a pleasant place, writing a diary, eating something delicious, doing some sport, reading an interesting book, or going to the movies.
It does not matter what activity is chosen, as long as it is something positive and healthy. These are small actions that help relieve feelings of anxiety and stress.
Avoid excessive criticism
As has been seen, self-criticism taken to the extreme can affect emotional and mental well-being. Studies show that the dynamic of constantly judging and denigrating oneself in relation to personal mistakes, defects, shortcomings and limitations causes great anxiety and also unhappiness. Therefore, it is recommended that people dismantle harmful internal dialogue and instead turn to a dialogue that honors their qualities and positive aspects.
Letter to oneself
Another suggestion is to write a letter to oneself expressing compassion and kindness. In this case, the task is to identify an aspect of one’s own personality that causes displeasure (it can be something with respect to character, behavior, skills, or the way of relating to others) and describe all the negative emotions it provokes.
Once all the discomfort experienced has been described, the person should also propose an alternative view. In this opportunity, the subject will have to express understanding, acceptance, and compassion for the chosen defect. During the exercise, the sender must keep in mind that no human being is free from faults and inadequacies.
Image credits: Max van den Oetelaar and Matias North