Corporate greed and the ambitions of the mega rich, we’re told, are destroying our world. But what’s the big deal, to be honest? To paraphrase the immortal genius of Rush Hour: “That world was already messed up!”
Civilization was dealt another blow the other day, when a guy who doesn’t seem to respect women very much, but will probably respect the corporate interests of the people who really wanted to elevate him — a guy named Brett, what can you expect from someone with a name like that, for truly — made it onto the Supreme Court with the help of craven senators who care more about campaign contributions than they care about most anything else.
Slowly but surely, we’re headed in the direction of no longer having a society — just a bunch of rich people, their slaves, some people kept around for decorative purposes, and then a whole lot of robots to take the place of poor workers. Oh, and this scenario will probably be happening on Mars, because this planet is heating up like a kissing scene on Cinemax (I grew up in the 1990s, don’t @ me) and the rich don’t care, as they’re leaving anyway.
Still, to make an even older cultural reference, you should always look on the bright side of life (or death in the middle of a wholly preventable natural disaster, for that matter), so here are a few reasons why all of these recent developments are quite good, actually:
Soon, we will be able to live out our favorite shows about the post-Apocalypse
I don’t know about you, but I’m just about done with “The Walking Dead.” I know I’ve been saying that every year, for what feel like at least 50 years or so, but this time I actually mean it.
In the real post-Apocalypse, we won’t have to deal with unnecessary plot twists and filler dialogue. There will be less hot women with perfectly shaved pits (no need for a deadly zombie outbreak to let your grooming standards go, right, girls?), but it will be a small price to pay, I imagine.
More sunny days before the planet melts
Global warming may kill us all if we stay, but the beauty of this scenario is that it won’t kill us all immediately. More sunny days means more sundresses and more dudes empowered by the patriarchy — in the guise of homeboys named Brett, or otherwise — to leer at everyone wearing them.
If women are going to be chattel again while civilization goes through its inevitable stages of agony — might as well make it look good, right?
Yes, water levels may be rising, but as far as I’m concerned, it just means that the beach is getting closer.
All of the frat boys will get their last hurrah
Now, frat boys are not known for their ability to survive an extinction-level event. Don’t put them next to Cher and the cockroaches (I assume many have not heard about Cher outside of Twitter, and as for cockroaches, someone else is likely to take care of vermin for them — or else what kind of a low-class fraternity is this?).
However, if the world is going up in flames, the frat parties will have to be epic. They’re epic enough when it’s just the summer is being mourned.
Fratholes in penis costumes, fratholes face-planting as they try to do that last keg stand — it’s going to be beautiful. Frat masculinity, as fearsome as it can be when in conflict with girls from rural communities who were never allowed to have a drink until they went away for college and yet still demand bodily autonomy, kind of falls apart when it comes to actual survival — no more food deliveries, no more handing your laundry to some exploited person — so before the curtains go down on it all, I’m expecting a lot of fun. Or “fun,” as it may be.
Extinction will do us all some good
Humorless science keeps pointing out that thousands of species are going extinct as the result of what unbridled capitalism demands we do to this planet. The question is — are most of these species even cute?
Pandas are OK, as well as some of the big cats, as long as they don’t get too near to some millionaire’s safari vehicle.
Sharks, on the other hand, are not cute, and don’t even start with that whole, “But they keep the ecosystem balanced” bullshit. It’s too complicated and no one has the patience for it in this news cycle. Same goes for a lot of other random species that we barely know about. Are angler fish adorable enough to survive? No. They look like aliens from Aliens who decided to no longer diet. Hard pass, guys.
The Rapture will get here early
Like an especially intrepid pizza delivery man, the Rapture just doesn’t have to wait — not if you encourage it with a good tip.
Sure, it will mean the destruction of most of the things we hold dear, but happiness, unless it’s purchased by the mega rich, is sinful. Keep that in mind should you get too emotional about the world as we know it turning to dust. Ashes go with ashes, after all, as surely as dust goes with dust. It’s in all of the fall catalogues and everything.
Photo: Michael Fleshman