In rapid succession, Donald Trump has pardoned a turkey and a war criminal, and the turkey clearly got the better bargain. No one wants anything in return from the turkey. Nobody’s saying it should hit the road to aid a talking wig’s re-election bid.
But who else should the talking wig pardon?
Honestly, there are a lot of candidates.
Papa John’s founder John Schnatter
Look, all I’m saying is that multimillionaires should be able to bounce back from losing their companies after a racist scandal. I mean, do you know how hard it is to be a multimillionaire nowadays? When someone like Jeff Bezos exists?
Trump and Papa John are natural allies, of course. There is the racist stuff, but there is also the whole “butter that has been left in the microwave a second longer than it was supposed to” aesthetic that they share.
I know what you’re thinking, “But Natalia, Schnatter wasn’t charged with a crime!” So what? The man is a victim of torture. He’s eating 40 pizzas in 30 days — the glint in his eyes tells us he’s doing it alone. The president should pardon him — and by pardon him, I mean let him cater the next reception for whatever athletes or religious fundamentalists who show up at the White House to kiss the ring.
Oh, but he doesn’t own Papa John’s anymore? Cool, let’s have Papa John’s II: The Johning instead.
Charles Manson
Again, I hear you precious snowflakes whining about this one already. “But Natalia, he led a murderous cult!” “But Natalia, he’s dead already!”
There is nothing wrong with a posthumous pardon for Charles Manson. He got women to do his hard work for him, for one thing. First of all, that’s feminist, and second of all, it’s genius. Do you remember the women’s names off the top of your head? Most likely, you do not. But you do remember the name Charles Manson. And that’s Trump-worthy branding right there.
George Lucas
George Lucas was well on track to burying a beloved film franchise before some assholes came along and OK-boomered him into oblivion.
That’s not fair. It’s also discordant with the time we live in, in which evil triumphs. Something must be done to stop this madness.
Yzma
Say what you want about Yzma, but she was unfairly railroaded, a victim of ageism and misogyny and llamas. Plus, I can kind of see her leading Latinos For Trump.
Eric Trump
At some point, he needs to be forgiven. For everything. For being Eric Trump.
Brain Worms
Somewhere along the way, society decided that brain worms are a bad thing. We developed pills for them. Surgeries. Therapy.
BRAIN WORMS BAD, we said. BAN BRAIN WORMS.
And it is precisely this kind of hubris and prejudice that led us to the predicament in which we find ourselves today.
For the president has brain worms. And the brain worms are not going away.
And the only way forward is a pardon. Because otherwise we may have to admit that something’s not OK here. And that’s just awkward and uncomfortable
Image credit: Will Kimeria