Celebrity Catfight Champions

October 24, 2008 – 2:03 pm

Not satisfied with the disproportionate amount of acclaim and wealth shoved at them by drooling zombies otherwise known as the human race, celebrities manage to lock themselves in titanic struggles with each other over perceived slights.

They will make public statements, release stinging responses on their respective blogs, and basically act like spoiled children bickering for attention. Personally, I give it to them, because I find them funny. Not intelligently funny, or even funny on purpose. Their entertainment value is very similar to that of the video where the monkey doesn’t like the taste of his own pee, and then he falls off the branch.

However, I’ve picked out a few of the more salient current cases in which celebrities are brawling with each other. Using my brilliant analytical skills, as well as my flair for sensational insight, I have prepared a study on each conflict:

Paris Hilton vs. Lindsay Lohan:

The strangest thing about this spat is the fact that the two idjits involved are practically interchangeable. Both of them are known for their rampant lack of underwear, a fact that has scorched the eyes of the planet. Further similarities and points of interest: Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, humor | Comments (0)

I Gallantly Solve the Economic Crisis

October 11, 2008 – 6:21 am

I’ve heard more or less the same things that you have: the sub-prime mortgage crisis has affected all sorts of markets, leading to all sorts of problems. The Dow has been plummeting. Paul Newman died.

What this all basically adds up to is that the country is on the brink of almost certain doom. It’s hard not to picture a future full of warming one’s hands over oil drum fires, sleeping in tree houses, and eating old tennis shoes while desperately trying to convince myself it’s roast beef.

In fact, I won‘t be surprised when the entire Earth becomes a barren wasteland. Also - because I happen to believe that the Mad Max series is really a sophisticated form of prophecy - I believe that people will assemble into wild tribes that rove the landscape in strange vehicles, wearing improbable armor, wielding axes, and searching for gas to take back to Thunderdome. It is a bleak future with terrible dialogue, and we must do all that we can to prevent it from ever taking place.

That being said, I have applied my powers of immense concentration to the economic problem at hand.

I’ve spent years training both mind and body in the hidden martial arts temples of the far East. I did many splits, and shattered stone tablets with my forehead. When I wasn’t busy doing that, I surrounded myself with scented candles and meditated. Finally, I know the names of some pretty smart books.

So, you see, I’m at least as qualified to advise the entire nation as every celebrity that ever ran their mouth about any socio-political issue ever. Maybe more so, because I’ve never “accidentally” leaked a sex tape.

My fantastic ideas: Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Business World, Columnist, Current Affairs, college, humor | Comments (2)

In Memory of Paul Newman

September 30, 2008 – 8:58 am

Paul Newman is dead.

He died of lung cancer at age 83, at his home in Connecticut. He is survived by his wife, five children, and two grandchildren.

He was one of the last of the great old stars, the ones who were larger than life. That’s a cliché now, but Paul Newman was the real thing.

He was a World War II veteran, a husband of 50 years to actress Joanne Woodward, a philanthropist, a political activist, an auto racer, and a businessman. But most of all, he was an actor.

Newman would’ve been too pretty if he hadn’t been so good at playing beautifully damaged men. Read More »

By Feature Writer | Posted in Entertainment, movies, obituary | Comments (1)

A-list Actors Hug Polar Bears; World Is Saved (Not Really)

September 24, 2008 – 4:16 pm

I find celebrities just a little presumptuous. Not all celebrities, really - mostly just the A-list actors. What bothers me isn’t their posturing, their preening, or their living in giant houses that God could not have possibly intended when He cobbled together our mudball of a planet.

After all, opulence is part of the job. Being an A-list actor involves just as much driving cool cars, laying around on expensive beaches, and panty-flashing as it does acting in movies, some of which are occasionally required to be good.

Good or not, the public loves seeing the same easily recognizable faces on the big screen. Why this is, I couldn’t really say, but I can say that most big studio movies in this day and age do not star actors.

Actors are people who convincingly and dramatically pretend to be other people. This sort of pretence, however, is impossible to a large degree for most A-list celebrities. Rather, they play themselves pretending to be other people. When all is said and done, celebrities are paid to be celebrities.

And that is fine. It makes me jealous, to some degree, that other people my age or younger are being paid vast sums of money for just being the sort of people that are paid vast sums of money. After all, I’ve never been paid simply for being myself (1).

While with enough therapy (I.e. drinking and befriending genuinely ugly people), I have learned to get past most of it, I’m still not entirely Zen on this subject. There are a few things about celebrities that get under my skin. Two, really. Read More »

By Joe Sapien | Posted in Columnist, Entertainment, humor, movies, music | Comments (0)

Celeb-Watching, Cultured Living, and More - in D.C.

January 25, 2008 – 12:29 pm

Having spent our glorious university years in Washington D.C., my friends and I recently decided to reconvene in the U.S. capital for a walk down memory lane.

We met at the newest Kimpton Hotel: the thirty-two million dollar, recently renovated Hotel Palomar which is modeled after the original in San Francisco.

This place is a home-away-from-home to visiting celebrities such as Mötley Crüe and blast-from-our-past diva Chaka Khan – who, we’re told, had gotten an elevator locked down just for her and her huge entourage.

The hotel is unique in many ways; the waiters here undergo rigorous training with a ballet company, a terrific concept to ensure both regular guests and celebrities are served with grace. What’s more, the boutique property’s décor, inspired by the modern elegance of 1930’s French Moderne designers, provides its visitors with a sophisticated, artful sanctuary. The place is conveniently located just off D.C.’s colorful Dupont Circle and is therefore a mere hop, skip and a jump from Georgetown’s quaint shops, restaurants, and million dollar mansions, and only a short cab drive away from the seats of power on Capitol Hill. We were set to have a good time.

We visited one of the newest and most expensive memorials in the nation, the Franklin Delano Roosevelt memorial, unveiled in May 1997. In our collective opinion, it’s the most beautiful as well. Commemorating the 32nd President, the memorial sits alongside the Potomac River, with statues, waterfalls, shade trees, quiet alcoves and reflection pools, each one symbolizing one of his four terms as President. As we walked along the stretch of grass called the mall, I reminisced about my first visit to the site during my “Explorers, Warriors, and Statesmen” class at university.

Off we went to the nearby Lincoln Memorial, located on the far bank of the Tidal Basin where many spend their late-March and April days walking on the promenade, admiring the momentous cherry blossoms. My friend Dana, incidentally, insists that a late night visit is the ideal time to walk under the enormous stone President. We also visited the Titanic Memorial, built in 1931 and located on Maine Avenue waterfront in Southwest Washington. Despite its tragic aura, this place always educes a bit of a giggle nowadays; Read More »

By Feature Writer | Posted in Society, food, north america, travel | Comments (0)

Heath Ledger Was the Cat’s Meow

January 23, 2008 – 3:41 am

Did I seriously just write the above headline? Heath Ledger was? He was?

People die young all the time. There’s nothing new under the sun, and tragic death in one’s prime is no exception. In many ways Heath Ledger was (here’s that dreadful word again) no more special than, say, the people dying in Palestine this week, many of them also young.

However, now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you: boy, did I adore Heath Ledger.

I adored him so much that I had arguments about him. People said, “he’s just another pretty boy,” and I said, “no he has range and depth, and the awesome factor like whoa.” People said, “awesome factor? Like whoa? What does that even mean?” And I said, “watch him, just watch him.”

Heath Ledger combined talent with a generally laid-back public persona. He was the guy who once moved to Brooklyn because he didn’t want to be photographed every time he stepped into a Starbucks or kissed his girlfriend. He wasn’t afraid to look like he hadn’t spent five hours with five different stylists. He was good even in the bad films (”The Brothers Grimm” come to mind).

He wasn’t afraid of taking on controversial roles and acting in scenes that would inspire most of our true-blue Hollywood heroes to run away screaming. Read More »

By Natalia Antonova | Posted in Columnist, Current Affairs, Entertainment, movies, obituary | Comments (3)