It’s a well known fact that Russia can make a weapon out of virtually anything. Give a Russian kid a box of crayons and a stick of gum, and the little brat will make a nuclear warhead by the time recess is over.
The problem is, with real Russia expertise thin on the ground, most people aren’t even aware of just how many things in the world Russia has now managed to weaponize.
Here’s a handy list of some of the less obvious examples of Russia’s weaponizing efforts. I suggest you keep it on you at all times, so you don’t fall victim to Russian scheming.
1. The soul
Everybody has a soul. Even dogs. Especially dogs. And this is just what the Russians are counting on. First they experimented on Laika in space (most likely with the help of the space lizards, though I hear Alex Jones has the scoop on that), and now they’re coming for you.
Ever hear the expression “Russian soul?” Know what it means? Don’t worry, nobody else does either.
Still, this common enough expression should be enough of a clue. The Russians won’t be content with just laying claim to your body — whether by turning it to nuclear ash or stuffing it with enough kholodets to make you go native. They are coming for your very spirit, which they probably plan on trapping in a box, like Ghostbusters with funny accents. You might laugh at me, but then again, dumb city officials laughed at the Ghostbusters too — and then look what happened.
2. Bad roads and other infrastructure problems
Ever been on the road in Russia? If you haven’t — it’s a bit like riding one of those slightly ancient-looking rollercoasters, the ones that creak a lot and threaten you with untimely death. Except it’s way more dangerous, of course. Something like a bajillion Russians die on those roads every year, which sometimes makes statisticians wonder why Russia is still around as a concept (it probably has something to do with the dark art of growing new people out of Stalin extract and battery acid).
Ever heard about infrastructure problems in the United States? You could blame it on late capitalism, and a craven, dysfunctional Congress, and shifting priorities around public services — or just go ahead and make the obvious connection, which is that the Russians have weaponized the whole thing. I mean, it’s not like they’re stupid. You know what they’ve probably done? They must’ve sat there going, “Hmmm, these bad roads and other infrastructure problems of ours kill our citizens. So why not have them kill… other citizens.”
If you doubt they’re capable of this, then you’re a naive idiot and/or a Kremlin troll.
3. The student debt crisis
Education in the United States has become a luxury item. You know who’s obsessed with luxury items? Russians are.
I’ll leave you to work out the obvious connections by yourself.
4. Paul Ryan’s dead little smile
Seriously, have you seen this thing? This expression on this man’s face? The expression that reads “I have a tiny, shuddering orgasm every time a person on welfare dies”?
Everyone knows that during wartime, it’s important to sow dismay in the ranks of the enemy. And Paul Ryan’s smile is a pretty dismaying sight to behold. It’s almost like the vengeful spirit of Ayn Rand has possessed this man for decades, like a somewhat boring American Horror Story spinoff.
Well, my friends, as you may have noticed, Paul Ryan has blue eyes. You know which other politician is famous for his blue eyes? Starts with “P” and ends with “utin.”
If you don’t think that the Russians have weaponized the shit out of this situation, I have a bridge over the Volga to sell you.
Was it a coincidence that so many states legalized during the obviously Russia-controlled 2016 election?
Ha ha. Ha ha ha. You’re funny, bruh.
6. Weaponize weaponizing
Now you’re probably just confused. You’re thinking, “Natalia, what was in that weed, exactly? Why are you talking the crazy talk?”
The thing you must understand about Russians, though, is that they’re always one step ahead. You’d think that being one step ahead, they’d go ahead and get their country in order or something — maybe lower the poverty rate, or at least get better pop stars than the embalmed-looking people in feathers and glitter they have on their state television — but they don’t care about all that. What they really care about is making you miserable. Yes, you. You think you’re not on their radar, you’re just a regular person and all — but really, who are you kidding?
To that end, Russians have taken the very concept of weaponization and have weaponized it. This is why every time you read about the so-called Gerasimov doctrine or a pee tape allegedly involving the current President of the United States, you get that sad, exhausted feeling. The fuck everything, I just want to turn off the news forever feeling. The please God make it stop feeling.
Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s not going to stop. The Russians have their mind-control rays trained on you and they’re not letting up. The best we can all hope for is China getting sick of this mess and just becoming boss of everything. Although Russia will probably find a way to weaponize that scenario too. Just wait.
Photo credit: Dmitri Terekhov/Creative Commons