I am very disappointed in all of you for being so hard on Ivanka Trump. Sure, she’s completely unqualified and should not be rubbing shoulders, let alone making conversation, with world leaders. I get it.
But what’s the alternative? Letting her father and his ever more worrying mental health problems run wild in the absence of his favorite babysitter? That would signal that the president is unfit for office a little too soon — and Mitch McConnell isn’t done ruining our democracy.
So while Ivanka wrangles her dad, thus covering for the powerful men who profit from Trump’s stay in the highest office in the land, why not consider the many other great opportunities for her to pop up unwanted and unannounced?
Honestly, at this point, showing up unwanted is a talent of hers that is right up there with being an enabler. And why not let that talent flourish? Why shouldn’t we have more Ivanka in our lives? Are we not patriots, goddammit?
Just think of all the possibilities, such as:
Unwanted Ivanka Shows Up When You Lose Your Virginity
Losing a virginity is already a bit of a clown show in most situations, but just imagine a mother of three standing there in a Valentino dress, hands clasped awkwardly, going, “Yeah. Yeah.”
To be honest, you’d feel so bad for her that you’ll immediately stop feeling sorry for yourself. And that way, everyone wins.
Unwanted Ivanka Shows Up In The Room With Valery Legasov And The Creepy KGB Dude
If you’ve seen “Chernobyl” on HBO, you probably haven’t forgotten that supremely terrifying scene when scientist Valery Legasov is placed in a room that looks slightly like a torture chamber/abattoir right after giving explosive testimony that destroys Soviet propaganda aimed at covering up the real reasons for the Chernobyl nuclear plant disaster.
Creepy KGB dude walks in and essentially tells Legasov that his career is over and he has nothing to live for and that he will never make a difference.
Stressful, right? Distressing, even.
Now imagine if Creepy KGB dude has Ivanka as his slightly vacuous-faced sidekick. Maybe she can listen for a while and then say something vaguely inspirational and crony-capitalist-esque, such as, “And THIS is why I have my shoes manufactured in China!”
Existential horror turns to existential horror as comedy, and we can all feel slightly less depressed about the nightmare of alternative facts that we live in.
Unwanted Ivanka Shows Up On The Pitch Next To Megan Rapinoe And/Or Alex Morgan
Megan Rapinoe, Alex Morgan, and the rest of the USWNT have been rightly called goddesses. We are going to the Women’s World Cup final, and even if we somehow lose, Rapinoe’s hair and cool ability to make the most powerful man in the world completely lose his shit are forever now the stuff of legends.
But there is something missing from women’s soccer. To dudes who TOTALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT WOMEN’S SOCCER AS A SPORT AND JUST HAVE TO CONSTANTLY TWEET ABOUT IT FOR SOME REASON ANYWAY the missing aspect is preening male players with bloated salaries, apparently.
But I say — what’s really missing is Ivanka. After all, Ivanka’s whole *brand* is centered on inspiring women (to give her money). And it seems a bit unfair that this USWNT bonanza has somehow failed to include her so far. Is Ivanka NOT a woman? Is she NOT an American? Do you SEE how entirely flawed these proceedings are without her tightly smiling face?
So what this World Cup truly needs is Ivanka hawking shirts on the sidelines. Or, fuck it, have her take credit for some of the goals, much like her father takes credit for an economy he is isn’t capable of understanding. Alex Morgan may pretend to daintily sip tea as she scores against England, but as for Ivanka, she can do more of a “let them eat cake” gesture. Or a “sip Trump wine before immediately spitting it out and wondering about your life choices” gesture. I don’t know. She’s smart enough to pull off the role of the golden child to a befuddled narcissist. I’m sure she’ll think of something.
Just Let Her Be President Already, Goddammit
I won’t get tired of saying it, since the Trumps have come to power, this great nation of ours is beginning to look more like a Central Asian dictatorship with nukes. Corruption? Check. Abuse of power? Check. A weird clan running roughshod all institutions? Check. Extreme tackiness? Check. An aging patriarch unable to properly govern? Yuppp.
But on the other hand, what, right now, is the alternative? President Mike “Handmaid’s Tale” Pence?
In place of a dark lord, you would have a queen. Maybe not quite as terrible as the dawn, more like as terrible as an Instagram influencer at this entire Fyre Festival of an administration — but still.
At least she’d handle Putin that much better.
Illustration: DonkeyHotey