(This article was originally published in Jordan's Living Well magazine)
I fell asleep on the couch the other day while watching TV. When I woke up, the first thing I heard was a line f
rom a very weird movie whose characters were upsetting the flow of my dreams with their noisy science fiction weapons. Don’t you hate it when that happens, when outside noises or actions intrude upon your dreams and become part of them? I’m sure you have all experienced this annoying amalgamation of reality with fantasy. You’ll be about to kiss a beautiful model on a secluded beach and then she suddenly starts punching you in the face for no reason, only to wake up and discover that it’s your little daughter who crept into your bed at night and started kicking your nose in her sleep. Don’t even try to re-dream that moment from where you left off. It just never works.
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Anyway, in this movie, which I later found out was the screen adaptation of”The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, planet Earth was apparently destroyed and was now being rebuilt from scratch. The line I caught when I opened my eyes was of the main character being asked by the re-builders of the planet whether he would like any changes to be made to the new Earth (I did say that the movie was very weird). At this point, I immediately went back to sleep on the same couch. Of course, as I said, you can never hook up to that paradise oasis you just unwillingly departed. No, it’s that recurring plane crash instead. Or even that painfully protracted drowning scene where, after losing hope, you suddenly discover that you need not have panicked because you can breathe effortlessly underwater after all – and that you can actually talk to dolphins. Where the hell did that kick-boxing model go, for God’s sake? And what am I doing alone in the cockpit of a crashing jet diving into the ocean?
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Going back to that movie, the question I heard made me think the next day. What if I was asked the same thing about the changes I would like to make to a newly created planet? If I could freely custom-design the new life, what would my wish list for a new Earth look like?
Well, for starters, I would drastically reverse the consequences food has on people. In my new world, the more you eat, the healthier and slimmer you would become. Why couldn’t it have been that way in the first place? Why do all the good things in life have to come with a terrible penalty? Why is it that delicious and greasy food can’t be prescribed by the doctor for your arteries, and the more deep-fried and oil-dripping junk you can eat, the longer you would live? If it was up to me, chocolate would replace broccoli as a health fad and ice cream would be the new asparagus. Enormous amounts of food would actually make you look good. So if one day people ask you how you got that six-pack stomach and bulging biceps, you would reply that you just had a huge mansaf lunch with French fries and a side dish of creamy spaghetti carbonara, followed by two ounces of knafeh and half a pyrex of Tiramisu. Food would not land in your stomach but would be immediat
ely dispatched exactly to where it should. When people at dinners would offer you more servings, you would refrain because all your trousers are getting too big for your ever thinning waist. You would tell them that if you ate one more plate of lasagna or another serving of risotto, your chest muscles would burst the upper button off your shirt.
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I would adjust the effects of drinking as well. Hangovers would be completely abolished. So if you wake up at 6am to run ten miles, it is purely because the night before you had four bottles of wine and downed two liters of brandy. Why do you feel so fresh and energetic at the office? Well, it’s that grappa bottle you had in order to digest the whole stuffed lamb of last night. Beer would no longer give you a belly, but would have more vitamin C than a cocktail of kiwi, grapefruit and strawberry, and would actually reduce the number of times you go for a leak.
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Ciao movie download You might say that if the above becomes true, there would be more famines in the world as everyone would be stuffing their faces to look and feel better. That’s why I would also do away with famines altogether. And while I’m at it, why not eliminate all wars, poverty, disease, child abuse and crimes of all sorts. No more sudden tsunamis and other unannounced disasters. We have enough man-made misery as it is and we can certainly be spared the random outbursts of the natural grim reaper.
What else would I change? Ah, what I would really like to undo is to send the huge container of extremely pointed and pathetically long men’s shoes that has flooded the Jordanian market recently back to the circus where it came from. Goofy and a host of other clowns must be missing their footwear, and we ought to do our national sense of fashion a huge favor by giving these characters their property back as soon as possible.
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I would surely tick off the box that says cancer. And I would definitely scrap all birth disabilities as the sickest of all jokes. But I wouldn’t mess too much with life and death, though. If humankind had the foreknowledge that they shall never die by natural causes, can you imagine the mayhem we would unleash on each other to reap the fruits of an endless life? As short as life is today, we still behave as if we’re going to live forever in our greedy dealings with each other. If only people realized that life is a very short trip and came to terms with their inevitable mortality in every minute of their consciousness, they would not have invented the cruelty which blemishes our world today. So, sorry, no extra years for our insatiable species.
Oh, and I almost forgot. In my brave new world, I would have my articles write themselves every month so that I can have more time to enjoy that sandy beach in my dreams. Now where was I? Let me try again. I’m soaking the sun on a deserted island…