During the course of our lives, we have to face countless losses. Each and every one of us must face death and walk the difficult path of grief and healing. In the landmark book On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and specialist David Kessler describe the nature of personal loss and explain the need to process sorrow and pain.
Throughout the book, the authors delve into the emotional and adaptive stages – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance – that individuals experience when facing the death of someone close to them. These stages, better known as “the grief cycle”, consist of a series of phases that individuals must confront in order to manage their suffering and reconstruct the meaning of their existence. In general, this publication not only helps in the understanding of grief as a process, but can also serve as a guide for self-therapy.
In addition, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss contains a series of poignant and thoughtful stories that convey important lessons about life and death, mourning as a personal experience, and the extraordinary resilience of human beings. As we read on, we encounter powerful themes such as: lingering sadness, guilt, suicide, ghosts of the past, dreams, regrets, isolation, relief, consolation, among others.
On the “Cycle of Grief” – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance – the book highlights the following conclusions:
Denial Stage: “It is not possible that this person is dead”
When the loss of a loved one erupts, it is common for the person to resist facing their situation. The first reaction is usually one of shock or emotional numbness. Because an excessive and unexpected reality is presented, the psyche refuses to admit what is happening.
Denial should be seen as a temporary defense to soften and cushion the initial impact of the grim news. Naturally, anyone will try to protect themselves from a reality that imposes a permanent separation from someone close and significant.
In a way, denial is a way of dosing the pain as the individual prepares to accept the irreversibility of the situation. In the midst of the shock, it is common for the mourner to question reality: how true is this? Did it really happen? Is it a mistake?
According to Kübler-Ross and Kessler, the state of denial begins to subside as time passes. Gradually, the person begins to internalize the loss as an irrevocable situation and from this awareness takes the first step towards emotional recovery.
Anger Stage: “Why did my loved one have to die?
Saying goodbye to someone close to you is a brutal blow and, although the bereaved tries to adapt to their new reality, accepting the loss is a challenge. Once denial is overcome, feelings of frustration, helplessness, loneliness, and especially anger begin to emerge.
Very soon, the bereaved will be overcome by a sense of injustice and excessive anger.
Most likely, the person will become difficult, intransigent, and sometimes resentful. In the opinion of specialists, the griever’s anger should not be perceived as something personal. It is an adaptive response of someone who has been abruptly forced to give up a link of essential importance.
In this context, it is quite natural for people disappointed with life to rebel against the world they know. Thus, they lash out against fate, religious or spiritual beliefs, the inability of doctors, the family, and even against himself.
The bereaved person usually reproaches themself especially harshly for everything they could have done better. Shattered and angry, they lament all the things they wish they had said and would like to have done for their loved one.
In the midst of this deep sorrow, many individuals also question the role of God and come to feel their faith fading. People ask: Where is God’s love? What have I done wrong to deserve this punishment? What has my loved one done to deserve death? Where is God’s compassion?
Anger will surface with great intensity as death has swept away illusions, life plans, and possibilities for the future.
Bargaining Stage: “Please God, if you fulfill this request I promise to devote myself to…”
Faced with a terminal diagnosis or after the unexpected death of a loved one, family members may try to make some kind of agreement or negotiation to postpone the inevitable. They dialogue with some higher power and make all kinds of promises with the intention of changing reality, or at least gain more time.
During this intermediate period, the emotional part of the person wishes to cling to the hope of some stroke of luck, while the cognitive part becomes more aware that there will be no “bargaining” with God; the mismatch between the request and the reality will make the mourner eventually disengage from the illusion.
Depression Stage: Why should I continue?
The fourth stage described by Kübler-Ross and Kessler is depression. During this period, a person becomes fully aware of the death that has occurred, and as a result succumbs to a deep despondency and a sense of emptiness. At this stage, the individual may feel that life has no meaning.
Death is so complex and complicated that a depressive period should not be considered a sign of mental illness. When a person realizes that the absence is permanent and unchangeable, it is natural to experience a mixture of feelings, such as disconsolation, persistent sadness, fear, uncertainty, discouragement, lethargy.
In order to move forward with the grieving process and emotional healing, it is very important for the mourner to fully express all sadness and suffering. The authors recommend having an emotional support network, trusted friends, family members, bereavement groups, and even specialized care if the depression becomes more severe over time.
Acceptance Stage: “I will honor your memory from acceptance”
People who have gone through the stages described above will eventually reach a state of acceptance and recognition of the new reality. It should be noted that accepting the death of a loved one does not mean agreeing or feeling at peace with what happened. Nor does it mean forgetting someone or turning the page. Rather, it is a phase in which the bereaved can see the death in perspective and become aware that they must learn to live with the loss in a better way.
It could be understood as a process of adaptation in which the subject begins to reconnect with life. At their own pace, individuals integrate the memory of the deceased and begin to rebuild their day-to-day. A mourner will find new ways of being, new routines, and even new people with whom to share.
After having loved and lost someone, there will always be sense an absence. But there is clear evidence that with guidance, emotional support, and sufficient time, people can learn to honor the deceased from a state of serenity.
Finally, Kübler-Ross and Kessler explain that the stages of grief come and go like the tide. In this regard, the recovery process is neither linear, nor concrete. It is a long, messy, challenging, repetitive journey, and each person confronts it according to their way of being, emotional maturity, cultural heritage, personal and spiritual beliefs, and coping resources.
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss is a relatable, enlightening, and deeply hopeful book. Anyone who has lost someone close will find some form of comfort in this work. Kübler-Ross and Kessler not only provide a robust intellectual endeavor, they also offer a profound meditation on the experience of reconstruction that every survivor must go through.
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