In an age where the term “feminism” is not only plastered on the digital walls of social media, but also on the literal walls of buildings in terms of street art, the women of today are, (and have been) changing not only the political, cultural and social constructs in our society, but romantic constructs too.
Dating today is far different than what it was a decade ago. Women of today are speaking out against the misogynistic constructs of romance and dating. From once being slut shamed for their sexual desires and activities to being told that having multiple sexual partners as a woman is unacceptable, women have come a long, long, long way in the world of dating.
When I was younger, I grew up with the mind-set that the act of sex was something you only reserve for your “one true love”, but that could be due to my culturally mixed background, which meant I was brought up with a fusion of both Western and Middle Eastern perspectives. I lived my life (up until very recently) with the concept of sex being this sacred, beautiful and incredible act that will not only define your relationship with someone, but also define who you are as a woman. Of course, it can be that, but it doesn’t have to be. And it should never, ever define not only who a woman is, but their worth as an individual.
So, why has society allowed and openly accepted the notion that women are more defined by their sexual encounters than men are? And, more importantly, why have we allowed it to continue for so long? In 2018, more and more women are expressing their feelings and experiences while dating. More and more women are openly discussing their sexual experiences with a new sense of pride and a lack of care for those who judge them for actin the same way that their male counterparts have been acting for generations.
Women of today who choose to be brave enough to challenge the misogynistic belief that sex defines their worth as a person have openly stated that they were judged by some acquaintances, friends, and even family for their choices in regard to sex and dating. A majority of my generation of women have felt that their sexuality has been defined for them, along with a long list of what is deemed correct and incorrect. Our male counterparts seem to have been given the sexual freedom that women have only dreamed of for so long, but many women of this generation have made it their priority to spread the word about the lack of equality in the dating world for women, via a multitude of social media platforms, but in particular, Instagram.
I had the pleasure and honour of speaking to Annie Wade Smith, a 22-year-old social rights activist, feminist and female empowerment Instagrammer based in Yorkshire. Annie is one of the among some of the many inspirational women I’ve met living in London for the past three years. Intelligent, witty and beautiful on both the inside and out, she has the strength to fight for the rights that women have been so severely deprived of. Not only does she post about the inequality women face, but also about topics such as body positivity and acceptance, the rights of the trans community, white privilege and its effect on those who aren’t white, feminism and what it means to truly be a feminist… the list is endless.
Tala: So, in terms of casual dating… what do you think has changed in terms of how it used to be for the generation before us? And why do you think the idea of “catching feelings” is considered far more of a bigger thing now than it was before?
Annie: For women of the previous generation, there wasn’t really the whole casual dating and sleep around thing, or going on different dates with different people. I think men could do what they wanted (and some still think they can), and it was kind of accepted into society that “that’s what men do!” So, it was accepted that women could be hurt and that they would just have to turn a blind eye… Maybe our generation is more afraid of catching feelings because once someone cheats on us or hurts us, we’re (women) actually going to act upon that. We’re not going to turn a blind eye – because we don’t live in that mentality anymore.
Tala: But in terms of confidence (for a woman), do you think that’s still associated with what men think of you? And if so, why do you think that’s still something that exists in an age where topics such as self-empowerment and confidence are being discussed to women far younger than we were when we first started learning about it?
Annie: It’s going to be a very, very, very long time before men in general think we exist for anything other than them… and for men to think that our characteristics can actually just be ours and nothing to do with them… Everything in society sells us (women) self-hate, doesn’t it? So, for women to be quite insecure, it shouldn’t be normal, but it is. So, when women actually find confidence and who they are on their own and not from what men tell them and feel happy from that… that’s amazing. I hate that’s amazing.
Tala: You’re right actually. The idea of self-hate in women is extremely prominent in the media and advertising to sell more, I guess. Of course men do experience that too, but maybe not as much as women do…
Annie: I think some men are drawn towards insecure women, because they can more influence on them. And some men I’ve dated have hated the fact that I’m confident.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bo6R-fCDyXF/?taken-by=anniewadesmith
Tala: Yeah, probably because they feel threatened, because society hasn’t taught them that women can be just as confident as them.
Annie: Yeah. I’ve been told: “I’ll never date anyone like you again!”, because the guy couldn’t manipulate me, essentially. And some men will not feel satisfied from dating a woman they can’t manipulate.
Tala: Interesting. So, do you think the older generation’s perspective on traditional values and how females should act on a dating or within dating ever change? For example, how women are deemed as “easy” for sleeping with multiple men or sleeping with someone on a night out/first date?
Annie: Honestly… I think that generation will probably die before anything changes! *laughs* Not to be dark. But it was a different time, which doesn’t make it acceptable, but it is what it is. It’s for our generation to change the stigmas, not for theirs to change it. Again, for them it was so taboo (casual sex and sleeping around). Whereas now, we might have sex with someone and forget their name – and there is nothing wrong with that. Sex has become less attached to feelings and love. I think sometimes it could just be the grief that people have from previous relationships that make them associate feelings with sex. We’ve broken that grief and belief system.
Tala: That’s very true. And do you think that’s another form of female empowerment?
Annie: Definitely. Men don’t have feelings attached to their penis, but apparently, we do to our vaginas… which I’ve never, ever believed. And some guys in the dating world will still believe that if a girl sleeps with them, they’ll get feelings for them… It’s crazy. I’m like: “Why do you think my anatomy is different to yours in terms of feelings?” There’s already been such a huge improvement in terms of women and their confidence in being open with their right to be as sexual as men. But we still have a long way to go.
You can find Annie on Instagram: @anniewadesmith.
Photo: Anne Wade Smith
