Have you ever wondered why some people can’t seem to let go of a relationship when everyone else can clearly see it is doing more harm than good? There are so many things at play here.
Like a wise man once said “we accept the love we think we deserve”.
Most times, what happens is we decide to settle in relationships where there’s someone to come home to because, at the end of the day, we just need someone, anyone whether they truly love us or not we don’t want to be alone. Many of us are scared by the prospect of being alone.
It happens to the best of us at times where we think that we are not worth being loved and that even the small kind gesture that the person has done is one of the sweetest things possible.
Like the quote “for a sweet man can be poison to a lonely girl”.
There are many reasons as to why we hold to relationships we are better off without:
EGO
Sometimes, we refuse to let go of something because we just don’t want to admit that they were right all along.
For example:
Robin is dating Chris. Everyone knows Robin deserves better and that Chris is just using Robin for a place to stay momentarily. Yet, whenever someone has brought this to Robin’s attention, she has always laughed it off saying that they are crazy and she knew what she was doing. Until one day she overhears Chris on the phone with a girl and, when she asks Chris about it, Chris says she’s imagining things and that is was his little sister on the phone. Deep down, Robin knows he’s lying but doesn’t push further because she scared to find out she’s been fooled along and keeps quiet about it.
You can see that Robin deep down knows that he is lying but chooses to stay quiet because she doesn’t want to admit that he is cheating on her.
TIME INVESTED
Sometimes, we stay with a faded relationship just because we have invested too much time and effort in the relationship that prospect of ending it is scary and foreign.
For example:
Robin and Chris have been together for three years and, ever since she caught him cheating, she has stopped showing interest in sex. This, in turn, drove their relationship further apart. Even though she had forgiven him and he promised to never repeat it, there was no going back to how things had been. Now they live in a very monotonous way where he clings to her and she lets him, in an almost robotic manner.
In this example, Robin knows that there’s no way she’ll forgive him and yet she chooses to stay with him as they have been together for three years and she knows that breaking up now isn’t the solution. She doesn’t know who she is without him.
SCARED TO BE ALONE
Sometimes, the thought of being single can be the scariest thing.
For example:
Robin knew she wanted to end things with Chris but she was already 31 and all her friends were already married or engaged. She was already the only one who wasn’t even close to getting engaged and, if she were to break things off, she’d be single. What if she broke things off and she never meets anyone else and she remains single and alone? Breaking up now would feel like the biggest mistake she would have made.
In this example, we can see the thoughts that go through Robin’s mind. She knows she wants to break up but she’s scared she will never meet anyone else. She also thinks of the societal pressures as to getting married or engaged within a particular time frame.
HOPING THAT THEY WILL CHANGE
It happens to the best of us that sometimes we believe our love is enough to change a person, that we are different to everyone else they have been with before and this time he will be different.
For example:
Robin knows Chris has a history of cheating but she strongly believes that Chris loves her and he would never cheat on her because she’s different. When Robin catches Chris cheating, he promises her that it was a one-time thing and it meant nothing and he promises that it will never happen again. Robin believes that he will change this time.
In this example, we see that Chris has a history of cheating and even cheated on Robin and yet Robin believes she’ll be able to change him this time. Robin remains positive that things will work out this time around.
IT’S MY FAULT THEY ARE LIKE THIS
Sometimes, we stay in a relationship that should have ended a long time ago because we think there’s something wrong with us.
For example:
Chris physically abuses Robin every time he’s drunk and tells her it’s her fault that he cheated on her. Robin believes that maybe she hasn’t satisfied him enough that he had to go look for pleasure outside, she blames herself for the way things turned out.
In this example, we see that Robin believes it’s her fault and his cheating was because she’s unable to give him what he wanted and she blames herself for it.
Sometimes, we are so wound up by the societal norms and convictions that we forget that we are responsible only for our happiness, we don’t answer to anyone other than ourselves. This is something that is very common with people who get into relationships too early on or even when they jump into a relationship before they have recovered from their previous break up.
It is important to realize that we need time to heal ourselves mentally. People begin and end relationships just because they are worried about ending up alone. It is important to be open and seek help from friends and family or even a professional if they feel like this is too much and they just need to breathe. It’s always important to have a clear mind .
Abuse and violence is never acceptable within a relationship. If you are in a violent relationship, seek support from a dedicated organisation in your area.
Image credit: Tú Anh