Papers, Please! The GOP wants to be sure you’re a citizen

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell says he’s open to requiring parents to prove their citizenship in the birth room (a logistical nightmare for hospitals), in order to prevent illegal immigrants from having children who would qualify as American citizens. He has good company – while similar bills looking to repeal sections of the 14th Amendment are born and die quietly in every session of Congress, this year, many prominent Republicans are jumping on the bandwagon.

The 14th Amendment contains many sections, but it begins “All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States.” This was written into the constitution to prevent slavery, or the creation of any other permanent underclass of resident noncitizens.

Day by day, the GOP moves ever closer to eviscerating the 14th Amendment and bringing about the world of 1984.

Double plus bad.

For decades, people in the United States have carried ID to buy cigarettes, get into R-rated movies, and try to wheedle free drinks out of sympathetic bartenders on our birthdays. But not for much longer. Aside from bringing your papers to the hospital, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer wants (brown) people to prove their citizenship when stopped by the cops. If senators like McConnell (and John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and John Boehner, and a host of others) and governors like Brewer have their way, carrying papers will become the American way of life.

To prepare for this eventuality, here is a handy dandy list of a few other times that Republicans will soon require proof-of-citizenship:

* When buying a Ricky Martin, Enrique Iglesias or Christina Aguilera CD – Illegal immigrants want nothing more than to steal our precious resources of Spanish/English crossover successes. As an added bonus, this will crack down especially hard on gay illegal immigrants.

* When buying a margarita, daiquiri, or mojito – Both tequila and rum are strong indicators of anti-American tendencies. Thanks to heavy lobbying by the alcohol industry, any cocktail over $15 will be automatically exempt, and a sorority or fraternity pledge card will count as proof in this situation.

* If your last name ends in an “o,” an “a,” or a “z” – All American keyboards will also be outfitted with silent alarms, which will be activated any time someone uses the insert symbol function to write the letter “ñ.”

* When attending a Democratic function – Illegal immigrants are drawn to Democrats like flies to meat. Squishy, soft-on-crime, bleeding heart meat, to be exact. In order to prevent identity theft, three different forms of ID will be necessary.

* When attending any movie starring Antonio Banderas, Penelope Cruz, or Javier Bardem – While all three are Spanish, Congress is also debating a bill to declare Spaniards as “close enough” to being illegal, anyway. Any movie with Spanish subtitles will also be patrolled.

* When entering a mosque or Catholic Church – Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the new security state, this measure will also require an end run around the First Amendment to define these not as places of worship, but as illegal immigrant training camps.

* When ordering at Chili’s – Unless you order the baby back ribs, which shows you are a good American who has been kidnapped by terrorists and forced to eat their strange delicacies. Don’t worry, the FBI are on their way.

* When buying a café con leche – In a stunning about face, Republicans will now embrace the French, insisting that good Americans call this “café au lait.”

* At all times. – You’re safer this way. We promise.