The first “Transformers” was simply astonishing. Director Michael Bay had been rightfully lambasted in the past, but with Spielberg as his producer the film was an awesome display of what a modern blockbuster could accomplish when a consistent talent reigned in a mercurial one.
The CGI effects were like intricately crafted Chinese puzzles. They had the same level of realism as Spielberg’s “War of the Worlds” – never dominating their surroundings but complimenting them beautifully. The Transformers themselves were as wondrous as the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.
In terms of action, “Transformers” had it in spades. From the opening attack to the climatic street battle, it rivalled “Terminator 2” when it came to those ‘pinch yourself’ moments. You could never quite believe the destruction unfolding up on the screen. But unfold it did, at a frantic pace that dragged the audience kicking screaming and laughing without ever noticing the running length.
And at the centre of it all was Shia LeBeouf, stealing the movie from under his robotic counterparts. Smart, funny, geeky – he played Sam like an homage to the young John Cusack in “One Crazy Summer,” a loveable loser who just wants to get the girl.
It may have been based on an 80s toy range and it was never going to win the hardened heart of the ‘serious’ cinema goer, but the film made the hair on the back of your neck stand on end in and it did what every blockbuster ought to do – entertain.
So what on earth happened to “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen”?
This time round Spielberg must have taken his eye off the ball. Or else he took the ball, stuffed it in his suitcase along with his common sense, and taken a vacation on the far side of the universe with his head encased in concrete.
Bay has behaved like a naughty schoolboy who quickly reverts back to type, and “Revenge of the Fallen” is like a million viewings of “The Rock” laced with a billion viewings of “Bad Boys.” It’s Bay and summer cinema at their worst.
All narrative sense, charm and verve have been jettisoned in favour of endless exposition and meaningless set pieces. One of the real joys of the original were Sam’s parents. Their comic moments were deftly handled, the delightful skit where Sam tries to stop them from discovering his clumsy robot pals particularly so. Instead of a homage to Laurel and Hardy we are forced to watch through our fingers as they stumble through a ridiculous Cheech and Chong routine.
Shia fares little better than his on-screen parents. After “Transformers,” LaBeouf emerged as Hollywood’s first genuine IMAX star, more than holding his own against 50ft robots. The audiences gave the geek a chance. They wanted him to woo Megan Fox and save the day.
And what are we rewarded with for believing in the gangly superstar? Well, let’s just say that this is a mugging master class so bad that it makes Tarantino’s acting look like Sir Laurence Olivier’s Hamlet. Lebeouf is all ticks, shakes, and tantrums. If you could get up and smack him like that woman in “Airplane,” you would. His one genuinely funny moment comes early on, when he screams like a girl after being attacked by a reject from the Species movie. It’s all downhill from there.
Bay should have concentrated his efforts on the college storyline. This narrative shows the most promise and is the only coherent part of the movie. Shia battling the Deceptacons whilst trying to keep his place at school and Megan Fox from leaving him would have been a film worth watching. Alas.
Speaking of Megan Fox, her character is reduced from a truck-driving, kick-ass, clever heroine to an insecure scream queen terrified of losing her man. All she seems to do is straddle various machines looking like a well-polished version of Stacey Slater from “Eastenders.” At least Stacey never takes any sh*t from anyone.
The Transformers themselves have been scraped of every shred of their human attributes until they are little more than moving wallpaper. Watching a couple of toasters slug it out would be more interesting.
“Transformers 3” is in the pipeline and instead of mucking about with “Tin Tin,” Spielberg should take the helm and spare us more disappointment. The “Harry Potter” and “Batman” franchises both show how modern blockbusters can take chances with directors and reach a critical and financial harmony. “Transformers” can be steered in the right direction, provided there is someone, anyone, willing to do the job properly.
Spielberg’s problem is that he took a chance on rehabilitating a director who could only change his ways once. As a consequence, “Revenge of the Fallen” is already an aging dinosaur eclipsed by leaner, smarter movies like “Star Trek.” Will Michael Bay take note? Don’t bet on it.