A woman in Scotland was in an abusive relationship. She had been battered and beaten by her partner but, until one particular night, he had never sexually abused her. But he came home drunk in the early hours and forced her to have sex with him.
The woman, who is 24, somehow had the presence of mind to grab her phone and record the assault. A 16-minute recording demonstrates her “crying, screaming with pain, telling the man he is hurting her and begging him to stop.
“Several times during the recording she is clearly heard telling him “no” and to “let up” and to leave her alone.”
Imagining how frightened and distressed she was, to have been able to find her phone, find the recording app and hit record, during a brutal assault, is really quite something. She took herself and her recording to the police.
An officer who heard the recording described it as horrific but, after a trial (during which the recording was heard), the woman’s boyfriend was acquitted of the rape charge.
It seems impossible to imagine, but his defence was that this was “role play sex”, kinky sex where the idea was to pretend she was resisting and he could pretend he was raping her. The woman was described by the judge as “too successful” to be raped, according to her background.
This is not the first time that I have heard of kinky sex being used as a defence in a rape case. It was even used in the case of Natalie Connolly, after her death. After sex so “rough” that Connolly was so badly injured that she died at the bottom of the stairs afterwards, and after her boyfriend John Broadhurst left her there to die, he was only convicted of manslaughter because the rough sex was said to have been consensual.
The We Can’t Consent to This website has also found the cases of 42 women whose rapes were blamed on consensual rough sex. There are no doubt more.
This is not kink
Kinky sex should not leave one or more parties feeling assaulted. When done properly it is well planned, it is absolutely consensual and the boundaries are very clearly outlined. People engaged in vanilla sex could learn a lot about consent – and having the kind of sex they really want – from experienced and responsible kinksters.
Many people know about the existence of a safe word – a word that can be used to stop proceedings at any time, without hesitation or questioning. But healthy BDSM goes further than that. Often, traffic light systems are set up, with lists of activities that are absolutely welcome, activities that are absolute no-nos, and activities that are somewhere in between. Those ‘amber’ activities may be ok but all parties should proceed with caution.
When carried out according to the principles of healthy kink, where it is consciously agreed between all parties, sex can be daring and exploratory and exciting. Planning and agreements do not make sex dull. If anything, kinksters report that it is quite the opposite in many BDSM scenes.
This idea that asking for consent and asking for permission somehow get in the way of proceedings and turns them from sexy scenarios into boring or awkward moments needs to be banished. It is not healthy and it is not accurate. Even in BDSM scenes portraying consensual non-consent, those involved should check with their partners periodically that everything is ok. It may make people feel awkward that those scenes are played out at all, but if they are going to be done, they should be done with co-operating, keen partners.
Don’t think of Fifty Shades of Grey when you think about kink. That portrays a deeply unhealthy relationship with elements of controlling and abusive behaviour. Unfortunately, the books and subsequent films were many people’s introduction to BDSM, giving a terrible impression of the practice and leading to more abusive behaviour in the real world.
Believe her
If a woman comes out of a sexual situation and says that she has been raped, she has been raped. Whether it was her boyfriend, a casual sex partner, a friend, a relative or a stranger, believe the words she uses.
If she has an audio recording of her fear and distress, and if her boyfriend has previously physically assaulted her many times, then this should back up her word and judges, barristers and juries should seriously consider whether she has any motivation to lie.
Whether the rape occurred during a vanilla relationship, a BDSM relationship, at a swingers club or with someone met at a nightclub, the principles of consent are exactly the same and it is time that we recognised, with absolute certainty, that no means no.
Photo: Elvert Barnes