Sometimes I’m a masochist, I scroll through comments on social media and websites to find out what people think about a controversial situation. I like to understand human nature and how people behave. But my limit of acceptance to intolerance is not infinite so I usually take quick glances before the rage infects me and haunts me for hours.
Personally, I don’t tend to leave comments, unless those are congratulatory, greetings, or kind words. At times when I disagree with someone, I move on to the next post. I try not to participate in the war ground that these public spaces represent, where everyone thinks they have rights but hide behind their screens.
Anonymity is the main mask nowadays for spreading hate. It is very easy to hurt another person without looking them in the eye. Also, it is very cowardly. However, words of hatred towards others also demonstrate the hatred we feel for ourselves, explained by the German psychologist Arno Gruen (1923-2015) in his essay ‘The Stranger Within Us’.
“If we want to understand why people torment and humiliate others, we must first deal with what we despise in ourselves,” argues Gruen, who dedicated part of his life to observing these traits in his patients, meaning that his essays are based on real cases, reflection and documentation.
According to this social psychologist, dehumanization and lack of empathy originate in childhood when a child seeks love. During the formative years, people are forced to adapt and put aside their power. Through his patients, Gruen was able to confirm how childhood patterns can dominate, even if the person believes differently.
The contemporary digital age amplifies the possibilities of finding triggers for our unhealed problems. In addition, we begin to live in ambivalence between what we think we are versus the part we try to hide. For example, usually, the profiles of people who typically leave many negative comments is incongruent. The broadcaster Ana Maria Simon says she has received abuse and rudeness from people who describe themselves in their public accounts as religious, pacifists, parents and “blessed by life”.
None of those labels prevent them from being insensitive when writing in the comments on Simon’s social networks. As a public figure, it is more common for her to receive hurtful words related to her weight, haircut, clothes and even in matters related to her personal life, and having more than a million followers complicates the equation; not all of them will be kind. Public personalities become an easy target for those who want to insult. People often say it’s the price they have to pay, but does that make it right?
Actor Sam Heughan released a statement last year to speak out about the bullying he has received for years that has ultimately affected his mental welbeing and personal life. The false narrative has not only been against him, they have also used the image of his colleagues, family and friends to hurt him.
Stay safe all.x pic.twitter.com/9WbwAnT6nz
— Sam Heughan (@SamHeughan) April 17, 2020
There is no point in people following the accounts of someone they dislike and spending their time abusing them: “for those still unhappy, I suggest you unfollow,” Heughan said. Unfortunately, in these cases, obsession, lack of reading comprehension, the desire to discredit and attempts to minimize virtual enemies predominate.
When we adults are on the receiving end of cyberbullying, we can resist attacks for a period of time, even though we shouldn’t. But bullies don’t care about age and tend to point their guns at anything that moves.
The seven-year-old son of actress Monica Pasqualotto and acting coach Ralph Kinnard recently received abusive comments through his mom’s account. She posted a photo related to a play in which the child impersonated a rocker. His eyeliner eyes did not go unnoticed, as for many it was immoral for a boy to wear makeup.
Some haters on network sites are even more cruel and mean, crossing shocking boundaries. Country singer Granger Smith and, his wife, actress Amber Smith, recently shared the hurtful comments they’ve been receiving since the death of their 3-year-old son, River, which escalated after the birth of their fourth child in August.
“Is someone watching to make sure this kid is supervised?”, was one of the disgraceful and empathy-lacking comments. Another user belittled the parents’ pain, “How could you ever just lose a kid and replace him and be fine with it, you seem so happy, and it seemed like it was so easy for you to have another kid”.
“I never like to give these people more attention than they deserve, but it’s a reminder that we live in a dark world, where people judge one another, and say the most hurtful, cruel things,” Amber responded.
The hate we give to the world is the hate we give to ourselves. If we understood this concept, maybe we would think about our actions and words before we jump down someone else’s throat. We would not use our fingers to point out the bad in others, because we would realize that we carry that hatred inside us. Unfortunately, we all think we are immune to it, even though it is extremely easy to catch.
Gruen’s proposal, to avoid these negative behaviors during adulthood, is a conscious parenting that prevents children from growing up with the hatred that will later dominate their lives. A childhood that is based on love, nurturing and respect for individuality can create social change.
But hope does not end for us adults, there are many tools that can help us deactivate those harmful patterns and uproot the roots that hold us to hatred. Therapy is one of them, and Dr. Gruen demonstrated this during the sessions that led him to develop his essays. However, everyone’s path is unique and we have to find our own way to deal with traumas and problems.
The key is the will to generate change internally and not to wait for others to act differently. We cannot allow anger to sink us into a pit where we blur ourselves to the point of losing our humanity. Respect must start from ourselves, knowing that we have no control over the lives of others, but we do have responsibility for our own.
Image credits: Finn and whoislimos