The Hamptons: life’s a beach

As I stepped out from the bus with tinted windows and took a look around, I thought for a second I was a millionaire…

Allow me to explain: My friend Robin Leacock invited me to spend the weekend in the Hamptons with her. Robin is a filmmaker and has had several successes working on documentaries. Between the two of them, Robin and husband Robert Leacock have worked on such films as “It Girls,” Madonna’s “Truth or Dare,” Al Pacino’s “Looking for Richard,” and Christy Turlington’s “Catwalk.”

Robin had a big wedding to attend to on Thursday nigh, so I missed driving up with her, but luckily the bus, pardon, the “luxury liner” that goes to the Hamptons lives up to its name. This bus provides free magazines, movie are screened, music is available, and water and delicious snacks are handed out to passengers sitting in very comfortable leather chairs with lots of leg room.

Robin zoomed to pick me up in her cool white beach jeep, her blonde hair flowing in waves behind her as she drove. We were on for a fun night.

To prepare, we decided to take a yoga class. Now, the Hamptons are situated on the South fork of Long Island and all about wild beaches, crashing waves, and wheat fields. Therefore we took the opportunity to explore and rode bikes to yoga class for that extra bit of fitness. Of course, this was only after I quizzed Robert as to what Madonna was really like. His reply was straightforward: “very polite and easy to work with.”

After getting some exercise and relaxation, we drove from Watermill, where Robin lives, passing such boutiques as Scoop, Ralph Lauren, Alice and Olivia, and Theory. This is all besides the houses, most of which cost at least 35 million dollars, with clay tennis courts, beautiful tree-lined drives, and cedar singles houses hidden behind bushes cut to perfection. The beach cottages are hidden away from prying eyes.

We drove to Sag Harbor to take the ferry across to Shelter Island, which is where the billionaires and the flashy crowds go. Shelter Island’s image has been aided by Uma Thurman’s (ex)boyfriend Andre Balazs, who has a hotel here at Sunset Beach.

We decided to hang out at Sunset Bar. As we walked into the door I walked past the very handsome Andre who was hanging out in his bar in front on his minimalist hotel. The bar was decorated in beach style: two floors with simple wooden beach tables. There was a dance floor and an amazing DJ played relaxed hippie-ish music.

I chatted with my friend John Jacobs, the producer of “Blades of Glory,” and out of the corner of my eye I saw Andre dancing away with his white panama hat on, tapping his feet in time to the music. It’s no wonder Uma fell for this charmer.

The crowd from the beach descended onto the bar at dusk and everybody swayed and danced around in the sand. Sun kissed bodies, shirtless men and beautiful women in nothing but bikinis and sarongs, joined in this ultimate beach party.

On the way back to South Hampton we saw the flip-side of spoiled and pampered living, after getting smashed into by some ditz who was reversing full speed without looking in her mirror. Thank God Robin’s car has a kangaroo bar on the front, so both we and the car weren’t damaged.

We pulled up to the most amazing house in South Hampton for a cocktail party of a different style. The valet parking attendant was there to welcome us before we stepped onto the manicured lawn.

I saw quickly that this was old American extravagance to the max. If this were England, Pimms would have been served, but I made do with a Perrier instead.

The party was an eclectic mix of young sexy men and beautiful models, not to mention the WASPy old men wearing lime green or bright red trousers, a blue blazer, and loafers with no socks, with scotch or cigar in hand. The men were accompanied by drunken wives in pastel pink, showing off bouffant hair and pearl earrings.

Overall, the fashions were “Easter Bunny couture.” It’s not surprising that Ralph Lauren is the most popular shop in South Hampton. Also, many designers have a special line out here for all the millionaires, such as ” J. Crew at the Beach.”

The host, a good looking American named Doug, was nowhere in sight. He reportedly vanished with two very beautiful girls in tow.

On this whirlwind party weekend we stopped off at friend’s house for a simple dinner. They were serving a fake clam bake: a real one is prepared on hot bricks after having been heated on a bonfire at the beach, then covered in seaweed for flavor. Here, the lobster and clams were prepared in the kitchen. It was all still delicious and I can only imagine what a real clam bake tastes like.

After that it was off to bed. I suppose if I had more energy, I would have checked out the night clubs. The nightlife here has a distinct Hamptons twist. You have your version of Cain or Pink Elephant – “at the beach.”

Sunday, to recover from all this partying, we took my Robin’ dog to Mecox Beach. One guy asked me to go surfing with him at Ditch Plains. Alas, I don’t know how to surf.

After walking on sand dunes and dipping my feet in the freezing water, I needed warming up. We met some friends at Piers Restaurant which, for the record, serves the best brunch! The Eggs Benedict are the best.

Last time I was there I had dinner with Anne Hathaway (star of “The Devil Wears Prada”). She complained that no directors knew who she was and didn’t ask her for parts. Well darling, I have the same problem! Anne was incredibly glamourous and was dating some Italian artisto. Unlike her character in “Devil,” Anne was fashion-conscious from the start.

The lunch/brunch seemed to go on for hours, but luckily I was rescued as some guy who I had given my number to last night called and asked to play tennis! His house looked like all the other super-houses.

I also discovered a German Schloss “at the beach,” where they even throw shooting parties. The house is full of rugs and antlers. Greens and reds predominate the inside, and large trees line the driveway.

Did I mention the traffic around the Hamptons? It’s awful! Sooner or later America’s rich and famous residents will have solved that problem with a little plane that goes from party to party to skip the congestion on the roads. When this happens, you can say you heard it first from me.

I must say that of you’re coming to the Hamptons, forget relaxing at the beach, the water is much too cold. A Hamptons summer is all about socializing. People come here to meet their sexy millionaire, and you should too.

The Hamptons gang includes a long list of names, names such as George Soros, Howard Stern, Richard Gere, Russell Simmons, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ludi Salm, Peter Beard, Tom Wolfe, Robert De Niro, Ron Pearlman, Mort Zuckerman, and others.

For further reading, I recommend The Hamptons: Life Behind the Hedges.