I wish I could say that Andrew Tate was not my problem. Life is stressful enough for me as it is. But ever since this particular creepy influencer has been hit with human trafficking and rape charges — and now additional charges of incitement to violence — it seems that other aspiring “OnlyFans agency owners” (i.e. glorified pimps) keep trying to supplant him, and even school children are talking about him. How do I know? My son and his friends regularly discuss Andrew Tate’s antics the way you’d discuss a particularly bad reality TV show.
Whether we like to admit it or not, there is a crisis of masculinity playing out in public today, and violent self-help guru Andrew Tate is absolutely one of its international symbols. Tate sells a very simple promise to younger men: “I’ll teach you how to be cool, rich, and desired by women.” It’s a scam just like old-school pickup artistry is a scam, but there’s a reason it appeals to people.
The internet has ensured that we are both hyper-connected and lonely. Our anxieties about both masculinity and femininity predate the internet age, but they are much more readily apparent these days too — and, I would argue, more easily exploited.
It’s not just gullible young men who follow people like Tate, it’s also pick-me women, including toxic former beauty queens (whose names I won’t mention; they don’t need the extra exposure) and aspiring TikTok stars who agree with Tate’s misogyny as a means of getting both attention and potential dates.
Those same women have called me a boring, dried-up, old, feminist hag for disagreeing with them, but the truth is, I may be old, but I’m not boring. I like fun and assertive guys. I think real masculinity is power, and I think that power should be used for good. Using your power to hit a woman if she suspects you’re cheating on her as Tate has said he likes to do? No thanks.
I know exactly what happens when men use their power to do bad things. I was married to an abuser for over six years. He’d cheat on me blatantly, for example, then threaten and attack me when I tried to call his behavior out — just as Tate has admitted to doing. He treated my body like his personal plaything. He told me that I was a dumb bitch that only a man as kind and magnanimous as him could put up with.
It took all of my courage to grab my son and leave him and I have been rebuilding my life gradually, with many setbacks, though every step and every misstep has been worth it.
When I was with my husband, our friends saw us as a dynamic power couple, and I worked hard to project that image in the world. The projection was all I had. I clung on to it fiercely and desperately, and it was only when this man became a danger to our son that the proverbial scales fell from my eyes. I was used to being hurt at that point. It was the fact that an innocent child was in harm’s way that snapped me back to reality.
It’s easy to fall for an illusion. Prior to his arrest, Tate seemingly had it all: money, cars, women, fame, prestige, etc. Some of us saw the dark abyss that existed underneath, but many did not.
The truth of the matter is, Tate is an abuser, and all abusers are desperately needy underneath their bluster. I know that because I lived with one. I saw how wilted he became when a social interaction went wrong, how his ensuing resentment turned to rage, and how he felt the need to then satisfy that rage. Outwardly, he seemed masculine, collected, charming, and talented. He had fans. He won awards. But inside, he was a delusional mess.
Sometimes, the men who used to look up to my ex-husband will hit me up on social media to gossip, or to tell me how glad they are that I’m free of him, or to recount his ongoing dramas with substance abuse and irresponsible behavior. I’m always glad to see how far these men have come after they ditched my ex as a mentor.
I’m glad to see my son growing up, doing well in school, forming bonds, and looking up to the good men in our lives as he grows up far away from a malign and dangerous influence. To lose a father while he’s still alive is a great and very particular heartbreak, but we work on it and talk about it. As I try to mention often, my ex gave my son some great gifts, good looks included, but resilience is a gift that’s even greater.
None of us can stop the parade of toxic online gurus. But we can do right by our loved ones by staying vigilant and strong. Toxic gurus appeal when a person is at a low point. And plenty of men are told that their struggles do not matter. So here’s the thing — if you see someone you care about struggling, be straightforward with them. Take them seriously. The Tates of the world only win when we abandon one another.
Image: Ivan Pergasi