As you might have heard, the Russia Thing is on the loose in the United States and it’s causing a lot of consternation in the halls of power. The intellectual giant known as the president’s son-in-law is said to have thought that firing a guy would make the Russia Thing go away.
Fellas, the Russia Thing doesn’t work that way and cannot thus be placated.
Never fear, though. As a person with intimate knowledge of the Russia Thing, I have compiled a guide to making it go away for real this time:
Banish Sour Cream
The Russia Thing, in all of its manifestations, loves sour cream and affectionately calls it smetanka. If the Russia Thing is hanging around the premises, chances are, you have some sour cream in the back of the fridge.
Toss it out. Clear the sour cream shelves of local groceries too. The Russia Thing will grow upset, then angry, and then it will stalk off to safe harbor of Brighton Beach, muttering under its breath about how you wouldn’t know good food if it bit you on the ass, frankly.
Surround Yourself With Friends Who Are Out And Proud
The Russia Thing is cool with gay people — as long as they, like, hide their whole identities. There is enough glitter and feathers on Russian television screens to make RuPaul raise an exquisite eyebrow, but don’t call any of that GAY, OK?!
Keep throwing champagne brunches for stylish people who like to play charades AND aren’t afraid to say they’re gay, or queer, or lesbian, or bi, or whatever. Watch Russia Thing stop inviting itself over.
Don’t Harass Women!
Dmitry Peskov, chief spokesman for the Russia Thing, has compared women who call out powerful men for abusive, inappropriate behavior to prostitutes. You know, because they’re clearly doing it for fun and profit.
If you make a full-blown, genuine commitment to treating women with respect, the Russia Thing will make a weird face and then ask “if you’re, like, gay or something.” Then it will pointedly stop texting you to go hang out at the sauna.
Commit to an Action Plan for Climate Change
The Russia Thing knows that climate change is real. It just has no fucking interest in curbing it. As far as the Russia Thing is concerned, environmentalism is for pussies. The Russia Thing does not consider itself a pussy and fully intends to ride this climate change thing out — probably using technology blessed by not-at-all corrupt Orthodox priests who drive Lexuses, which is its own kind of badass when you think about it.
Champion the need for a stronger agenda or climate change and watch the Russia Thing flip you off before riding triumphantly into a sunset made ever more vivid by all of this climate change.
Invite the Ukraine Thing To Come Hang Out
The Russia Thing will immediately declare that it has other plans for the evening.
Turn Your Nose Up At Poetry
The Russia Thing may be tough as fuck, but it has a soft spot for the sonnets, Osip Mandelstam, “Sunflower Sutra,” etc.
Believe it or not, the Russia Thing is still an intellectual at the end of the day. If you tell the Russia Thing that you don’t like poetry, it will scream at you, get drunk, scream at you even louder, and then it may or may not try to kill you.
I’m just saying, it might get interesting.
But it will definitely refuse to shake hands with you next time you run into it.
Declare Your Eternal Love For a Society of Laws
The Russia Thing finds law and order to be boring and lame. How is one supposed to amass insane fortunes and then spend them on harems, turf wars, and black caviar if law and order keeps getting in the way? Sure, millions of other people may have to survive by the skin of their teeth in order for one to be a Byron-esque billionaire bro, but who cares about them, right? They should’ve thought about it before not stealing state assets.
If you’re into law and order, the Russia Thing will first be amused, then distressed. It will probably encourage you to get help. It will worry that you are depressed. It will then grandly announce that you’re just no fun anymore, and go off to bother someone else.
That’s how it works. Something tells me that the White House won’t listen — because, uh, reasons. REASONS THAT TOTALLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY COLLUSION OR GENERAL ILLEGAL ACTIVITY. But I had to say my piece anyway.
Photo: Adam Jones