“Is Trump going to bomb Iran now?” Sure, why not.
Yes, yes, I can already hear all of you bleeding heart rogue state sympathizer traitors whining about how: “But the Middle East can’t stand more war/but why can’t we have diplomacy and other pussy things,” but the truth is, you are wrong.
I may not be a war correspondent or a military strategist, but I have played a lot of Skyrim, and have therefore made some hard choices in life. I weighed the Stormcloaks against the Imperials and sided with the Imperials because they have better uniforms (what’s the point of even calling yourself a Stormcloak if your cloak, can’t, like, cause an storm? What’s up with that, Bethesda?) and don’t @ me, OK?
Anyway, bombing Iran is totally sane and just, and in general bringing more conflict to a conflict-ridden region is sane and just, and here are just some of the reasons why:
Our ammunition stocks are nearing their expiration dates
As a country, the United States can be number one when it comes to wasting food, but wasting ammunition is what dickless cucks do.
The United States has a surplus of M1A1 tanks
The Army says they can’t use all of those tanks, and ISIS, meanwhile, hardly has any.
It makes strategic sense that we should supply them to, say, Iraq, so that they can be abandoned in combat, left for ISIS to capture.
ISIS can then use those tanks or give them to the Iranians to exploit. And that gives us an even more moral reason to just bomb the shit out of Iran. Just do it. For the sake of our tanks, which must not be taken by the enemy.
“Natalia, none of that makes any goddamn sense.” Whatever, libtard. I’ve played enough Battlefield: Bad Company 2 to know just how wrong you are.
The sentient wig we elected to be president gets bored easily
People don’t have enough compassion for President Donald J. Trump, frankly. Imagine having to move from New York to Washington D.C., where the doors aren’t even golden. And not being able to spend enough time in Mar-a-Lago, because, like, you have to keep suffering through state visits from presidents of Dumbf*ckistan.
More war would really liven things up AND get people on Twitter to forget about Stormy Daniels for a while.
“Natalia, we shouldn’t be killing people because the president has the attention span of a fruit fly and the patience of a toddler.” Oh please. In case you haven’t noticed, death is inevitable. But sometimes, it can also serve a noble purpose — such as keeping Trump entertained as he watches an entire vortex of death spinning endlessly on Fox News.
World War Two novels are still outselling Forever War novels
Honestly, this is a disgrace. I understand how certain narratives capture the public’s imagination for decades to come, but, like, I am also a modern woman who believes in progress AND I’m really tired of everyone writing think pieces that boil down to: “You millennials are a silly generation that hasn’t had to make any sacrifices.”
I’ve thought about it a lot, and the only way for us to get taken seriously is if we make the Forever War really, really bloody. Like, immensely so. Just cover every available surface in blood. Don’t miss a spot, there will be an inspection later.
And then, as an added bonus, people can sell more books about the Forever War, and their movies about the Forever War can win all sorts of awards, and they can all leave their first wives for models, and then have those models cheat on them with their hot El Salvadorian gardeners, and otherwise enjoy life just as the previous generations of auteurs have done it.
Professional chickenhawk warmongers need to eat
And just as Jesus wouldn’t deny people sustenance, neither should we. Seriously, cheering on and promoting war is an entire industry, and considering that the job market has been hollowed out by the gig economy, we should not pulverize one of the few industries we have left.
It wouldn’t be right. These people have insurance premiums to pay and cats to feed. Cats are pretty chill, and I will not shy away from saying that people who argue otherwise have literally been paid off by Iran.
Photo: Tomás Del Coro/Creative Commons
BAM! Sounds just about how we have been operating!
I can’t wait for the bodies to start piling up. Nom nom nom.
This is worthy of comparing to the social satire of Ambrose Bierce. Brava!