The Deep State really screwed me over today. First it was the weird weather — too cold in the shade, too hot in the sun, so that I kept having to take my scarf out of my bag and put it on and then take it off and it became so annoying that it made my eye twitch. Then John Boehner announced that he was going into the pot business, and I spent so much time imagining him being as high as a giraffe’s ass while he contemplated finally having a hot dog for dinner that I didn’t get any work done. Then I stumbled onto a shop that sells a weird combination of artisanal eyeglasses frames and snacks (also artisanal), and I realized that this establishment was deliberately placed in my path to inspire my rage, and then I had to lie down and rest for a while.
“Natalia, what does that have to do with the Deep State?” You’re asking yourself right now — if you happen to be a sheltered idiot.
Observant people know that the Deep State has long been behind most things both epic and mundane in their horror. Psychological warfare is a real thing — it has a page on Wikipedia and everything — and few people are as good at it as members of the Deep State, unless you count extraterrestrial lizard-things, but those aren’t actually people, so whatever.
Where did the Deep State come from? No one really knows. I like to think it evolved out of the primordial ooze in the bottom of a sulfuric lake, but then I’d have to buy into the concept of evolution. It could’ve been seeded by a stray comet, or arisen from that creepy dimension the Event Horizon busted out from when it showed up in Neptune’s orbit that one time — I mean, I’m iffy on the science, but whatever it is, it’s not the fun kind of science we used to learn in school with baking soda volcanoes and the joys of abstinence and stuff.
What’s really important to know about the Deep State is that it exists below the surface of things. There’s a reason it’s not called Shallow State. Gaze upon something shiny long enough, and the Deep State eventually gazes back into you. It’s no wonder that Donald Trump, fearless leader of the republic and collector of shiny things, is a major target for the Deep State — he knows their secrets all too well.
Besides Trump, the Deep State really, really hates fun. Members of the Deep State — such as Robert Mueller, Tammy Duckworth, and fake news peddlers masquerading as journalists — are always banging on about law and order, and separation of powers this, and official accountability that. Jesus, loosen up a little. Look at Russia, where the definition of law and order is much looser. They have a shirtless president who rides bears (I’ve seen it on Twitter) and their senators are cooler than our senators, don’t even lie.
Law and order is generally overrated. You miss out on the sheer thrill of going outside and wondering if a cop is going to hit you up for a bribe. There aren’t nearly enough guys with tattooed knuckles and the flat gazes of professional executioners in your life. You can’t discuss hush-hush payouts with your sleazebag lawyer in peace:
Attorney–client privilege is dead!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 10, 2018
Life is short and most of it, let’s face it, is not exciting enough. Doing your taxes pales in comparison to committing fraud. Volunteering with poor people is gross, sniffing coke off of underage models is not. Bootstrapping is undignified and also damn near impossible in a fake meritocracy, but nepotism is a great way to make sure you can sleep more than the average person and hence keep your complexion glowing. This and many other pleasures the Deep State wants to deny you. Well, not you specifically, if you’re just some peasant, but you know what I mean.
The truth about the Deep State boils down to this: it’s a club for losers. I know people scream about it as if it’s going to bring about the Apocalypse, but the Apocalypse would involve too much dramatic action. Just think about all of the chaos and the colorful rivers of blood and angels blowing on trumpets and violating noise ordinances. Mueller and his handlers are never going to sign off on that — the Beast from Revelations alone will be a giant bureaucratic nightmare. Is it an exotic animal? If it has upon its heads the name of blasphemy does that technically mean that it is legally a person? Assuming it wrote the name of blasphemy itself?
Yes, we should all fear the Deep State, but we should also be realistic about its aim — which is to make everyone as miserable as the Deep State is itself, in the sense that it’s all a bit like the Borg, minus the cool android S&M gear, and all it really thinks about is stuff like, “How can I get people to fill out more forms?” and “For God’s sake, shouldn’t there be a way to make Donald Trump Jr. pay a hair gel tax?”
See? The truth about the Deep State is tedious as hell. And that’s precisely how the Deep State wants it. I’m not saying they have colonized my brain with nanobots — we’re still a few years away from that being possible — but they might as well have. How to resist? Well, let’s keep supporting the president. At least that way there will be more scandals — and “scandal” is pretty much the antonym to “tedium.” I mean, I’m too lazy to look it up, but it sounds about right, if I remember high school — the best eight years of my life — correctly, so there you go.
Photo: Mobilus in Mobili/Creative Commons