It seems that President Donald J. Trump is getting a lot of blame lately for things going wrong in our society. Hateful rhetoric followed by a mass shooting? Greater societal polarization followed by another mass shooting? How dare we blame our demagogue president for that!!
It’s just too presumptuous to suggest that self-serving racists and manipulators more obsessed with their own brand than they are with the future of this country could be affecting society in a negative way.
Here are many other, perfectly reasonable explanations for the increasing hatred and bitter division we are experiencing in this country.
Crazy Shit In Underground Tunnels
You’ve seen “Us.” And even if you think that the plot is slightly far-fetched, consider the fact underground tunnels exist. And frankly, nothing that’s in them could be all that good — why else would it be down there? So free your minds, maybe watch a little YouTube while you’re at it, and consider the possibility that the president just might not be the real problem.
Bees
Bees have been dying in record numbers. The scientists — i.e. The ESTABLISHMENT THAT HAS ITS OWN AGENDA — would convince you that there are scientific reasons for that and that we are probably to blame for it, at least in part (thanks for the vote of confidence, science! Fuck you too!).
But what if, and just hear me out here, there are now many, many vengeful bee ghosts swarming the nation and fucking shit up behind our backs?
Bees are pretty terrifying. Ghosts are even more terrifying. Put the two together and it’s a deadly combination. It’s really no more far-fetched that the idea that the president is just a talking wig.
Marijuana
Marijuana is big business nowadays! And people are growing more and more tolerant of it! And so are the police — esp if you’re smoking while white!
Meanwhile, shit is getting worse on the home front. So — coincidence? That’s just what they *want* you to believe.
Maybe next time you should really listen to Aunt Sue ranting about marijuana injections at the family potluck. Don’t ignore her just because she always tags herself in your boyfriend’s beach photos and thinks that DTF stands for Do The Funk. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.
People Who Want Healthcare
That’s called entitlement and entitlement breeds discontent and discontent ruptures the fabric of society. Those people could hurry up and die already, but they’re selfish and they won’t. Not right away, anyway. If you rock the boat too hard — things go down. Those are just the laws of physics. Don’t blame me. I didn’t write them.
Persian Cats
Everyone’s obsessed with those adorable, flat-faced fucks. I personally think they look like they’re hiding something.
Twitch
It’s something the kids started doing after they got bored with their juuls. I don’t pretend to know exactly how it works, but I’m pretty sure that Twitch emerged just as things started going to shit. And you already know how I feel about coincidences.
Killing Kittens Parties
I heard that these are somehow perfectly legal??!! What kind of nation allows this then gets surprised when it brings about the wrath of God???
30-50 Feral Hogs
Yeah, yeah, I know. All of the stupid liberals laughed a lot when this became a meme.
That’s because most people don’t know their history and don’t understand the symbolism of the hog.
There’s a reason why there’s “hog-tied” in your dad’s browser history — it’s a reference to hogs tying your souls in hell.
The Romans associated hogs with the feminine forces found in the world — and we all know bitches are crazy.
There are three letters in the word “hog” just as there are three letters in “God” — a Satanic inversion.
Piglet is the world’s most depressing character — frankly, need I go on?
Blame the president all you want, like I said, but there are greater forces out there. Don’t be fooled by their adorable snouts.
Photo: Tambako the Jaguar