#WednesdayWisdom: This Is Why We Shouldn’t Teach Safe Sex

You know what really makes me mad?

The fact that somebody out there might be having sex right now.

And possibly enjoying it.

And perhaps not even facing any consequences.

Yet this is just one of the many reasons why we shouldn’t teach people about safe sex.

For example:

Human beings are just like food and other inanimate objects

Consider the analogy of the lollipop.

If you keep licking a lollipop, it will eventually disappear.

People are like lollipops — women and girls especially, but also men too, especially if they are poor and perhaps not white.

This is science.

If you don’t want to make people disappear, leaving a sticky little stick and wrapping behind, you should not empower and encourage them to make healthy and safe choices about their own bodies.

Think about it in these terms as well: Licking a lollipop is just like having sex, or overusing Velcro. We wouldn’t encourage a lollipop and/or Velcro to develop sexual agency, would we? What kind of sick, delusional minds would dream that up?

Ergo, sex education is bad for you (and for the lollipops).

It’s not like we teach people to safely operate motor vehicles or otherwise approach certain areas of life responsibly

Oh, we do?

Well, this is very different.

WHY IS IT DIFFERENT? BECAUSE SEX SHOULD BE GOVERNED SOLELY BY ANCIENT HOLY TEXTS

Which, of course, never contradict each other. Neither can they ever be interpreted in different ways. Everyone always follows them to the letter.

This is why we shun people for wearing clothes made out of different fabrics and sequester menstruating women from society.

Look, the real issue is that poor people might be allowed to finally own their bodies

Traditionally speaking, it was always the rich that rarely faced consequences for exercising sexual agency.

This safe sex bullshit is seriously levelling the playing field.

What’s next? Bargain Birkin bags? Caviar tastings and free violin concertos for the homeless? This is disgusting.

IF PEOPLE ENJOY CONSEQUENCE-FREE SEX THEY MIGHT FORGET FOR A FEW MINUTES THAT LIFE IS PAIN

And what else will be there be to remind them?

Poverty? Disease? War?

LOOK, THE REAL REAL ISSUE IS THAT OUR PARENTS DIDN’T LOVE SOME OF US ENOUGH

And someone has to pay for it.

Sex-having people especially.

I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING

I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE JUST CHUCKED MY BEER BOTTLE AT A WALL

IT DIDN’T EVEN BREAK

IT JUST THUDDED PATHETICALLY

EVERYTHING IS TRAGEDY

UNLESS IT’S FARCE

AND NOW THAT I’M DONE RANTING ABOUT SEX EDUCATION

I’M GOING TO GET ANOTHER BEER

AND WATCH SOME INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY

I’M SORRY THAT NOBODY LOVES ME

I DON’T EVEN LOVE ME

WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

Image credit: skyseeker