We all want to change the world, but some of us are more prepared for it than others. Sure, you could spend years doing hard work, studying the history of successful revolutions, failed revolutions, revolutions that succeeded only to become cruel parodies of themselves, etc. You could study public policy and envision better policy models for everything from prevention of military conflict to progressive governance. You could pour your heart and soul into science, philosophy, reconciling quantum mechanics with the theory of relativity, curing cancer, leading successful labor organizing movements, or some other fake, bourgeois bullshit.
You could do all that, sure, but as I’ve recently discovered, there is a much nobler game in town, and it’s called jerking off to the Soviet Union and/or Putin’s Russia.
You see, the problem with the world is that it’s a fucked-up place in many respects, and changing it for the better is very hard. You have to occasionally put on a fresh Che shirt and leave the house and everything.
The beauty of Soviet history, on the other hand, is that it’s all been done before. You don’t have to invent anything. They even have old gulag blueprints lying around. They tell you that you don’t have to reinvent the wheel, so why would one need to reinvent a bloody revolution that seamlessly translates into terror, giving birth to the world’s largest totalitarian state to be followed by the world’s largest petro-kleptocracy? See? Logic!
So if you’re curious about joining the ranks of hipster communists, here is a guide on how to do it right:
Abandon nuance and critical thinking
Was Lenin nuanced when he was yelling whatever it was he was yelling on that tank or barricade or whatever? Hell no. Those workers listening to him would’ve called him a faggot and made him eat his stupid hat if he had been.
Ergo, you must also begin thinking and speaking in categorical terms. Ronald Reagan called the USSR an Evil Empire, and I’m pretty sure that the flipside of that is Glorious Paradise. Which is how you must refer to the USSR from now on.
Yell at former Soviet citizens who have reservations about glorifying Soviet methods
They’re all just descendants of kulaks whom Stalin didn’t get around to shooting — i.e. class enemies who are far too biased to offer a valuable perspective on life under the Soviet Union. Brainwashed by the mainstream media and with their synapses reconfigured by roving NATO nanobots, these people exhibit a false consciousness. In the latest installment of the communist utopia dawning over the horizon, they should be shot first.
Glorify Putin at every opportunity
There may be purists out there who’ll say that Putin is no more than an aging kleptocrat ruling over various elite functions that squabble over profits from natural resources while simultaneously propping up a shoddy Potemkin village imitation of public life and public institutions, but guess what? Putin’s former KGB, and those people are masters of disguise.
Forget his palaces and lavish motorcades and whatever, and understand that he is simply a hardcore leftist gone undercover. This is why Russia is our friend and our objections to the sacred Russian traditions of whacking turncoat spies in sleepy English towns and/or supporting racist demagogues in presidential bids is plainly russophobic and unreasonable.
Remember: only Westerners can have imperialist pursuits
Russia and China, for example, have never had any imperial ambitions whatsoever. Oh, you say they conquered some stuff? Lol whatever. All of those tomes that Stalin himself carefully wrote out by pen and then published are freely available online, and he clearly states otherwise, and his mustache was frankly too glorious for him to have been a genocidal liar.
Speaking of genocide…
It’s only a crime if the West does it
Everyone knows that the world is neatly divided into the West and the Rest, the Powerful and the Powerless. Could Russians have really killed/starved all of those people on their own territory, for example, considering the fact that they were simultaneously choking under the yoke of Western oppression? Doesn’t seem very likely.
The West invented most things and oppression is one of them. You might say that this is simply giving the West too much credit, but…
Non-Westerners don’t have agency — unless they’re Ukrainian
You can’t hold the oppressed people of the world responsible for anything they do as long as they remain oppressed. Ukrainians are salo-eating fuckers, on the other hand, and should be held responsible for everything. Just think of words their language contains, such as pampushki. Would a serious people ever come up with a word like pampushki? Didn’t think so.
Remember the real definition of communism: “Killing people I don’t like”
Bourgeois, chai latte-sipping academics and other annoying people tend to squabble over the definition of both communism and the ruling political system of the Soviet Union. Was it really communism? What is communism, even?
The glory of communism is that it’s what you like, and its antithesis is what you don’t like. Honestly, if you really read the history of Stalin, or Beria, or even Lenin, it’s what you can come up with. I mean, why else would people like Yezhov be good before suddenly becoming bad, for example. This is what makes communism versatile and convenient, in the manner of transformer dresses and reversible shirts.
The best plan is to not have a plan
Worked for collectivization, didn’t it?
Look, I know, I know, I’m using a bunch of big words (probably because I’m a bourgeois NATO whore and libertine who fetishizes things like food and shelter instead of wanting to die for the revolutionary vanguard like any decent person should), but you don’t have to worry about their definitions, not really. It’s kind of like worrying about improving an existing system — easier to tear it all down and watch it burn. As long as you’re well away from the fire. And had called mom beforehand and told her you’ll be fine.
Photo: chany crystal