I know what you’re thinking — ”Another North Korea summit? But wasn’t the great dealmaker in chief supposed to have solved everything with the last one?”
I mean, sure. He was. Kind of.
But the thing about a reality TV presidency is that there’s always another season, as long as ratings remain strong.
And this is why we need another summit. I mean, I suppose I *could* dig into the geopolitics and the history and the PR rationale behind it too, but let’s face it, you won’t pay attention to that anyway.
I know that the sentient wig we still refer to as Mr. President — even though, with time being relative, it feels like he has held that office for at least a thousand years or so, which is a bit excessive, if you ask me — has his own plans and agendas for North Korea.
But what kind of American would I be if I didn’t want to help?
So here’s what *I* think Trump should do to solve the North Korea issue once and for all:
Offer Kim Jung-un a presidential pardon
I know what you’re going to say, “Natalia, he can’t pardon a guy who’s not a citizen of our country.”
But why think small? Why be so defeatist? So legalistic?
America is the greatest country in the world, isn’t it? Its interests — unless it’s preferable to sell them out to Chinese manufacturers, or, really, anyone else who offers you a lucrative enough sketchy deal — are paramount, and its influence, today, is on an unprecedented scale for any country on this beautiful, likely doomed planet of ours. Who is it that the aliens immediately rush to meet and/or invade in all of the best movies? That’s right, America.
So, really, if we just think of Kim as our citizen — we can offer him all of the pardons we want.
To be honest, I’m pretty sure that this is how Trump thinks of it already. I suppose my definition of “thinks” is pretty liberal — is the occasional twitching of brain worms really thinking? What would Camus say about it? — but in this day and age, I’ll take what I can get.
Get Kim Jung-un a better hair stylist
Hundreds of years from now, disobedient Martian schoolchildren will be told scary bedtime stories about how President Trump’s wig used to stalk the White House halls at night, feeding on staffers who stayed up past their bedtime.
Can Kim’s hair aspire to such greatness? Nope.
In the interests of giving Kim a diplomatic off-ramp, one can offer him a makeover in exchange for lasting peace. I realize this is kind of a ridiculous, vaguely Disney-like solution to the whole mess, but if you’ve read Thomas Mann, you know how important looks can be to older men. Yes, this entire segment is just an unsubtle way of referencing how well-read I am. No, I don’t care.
Introduce Kim Jong-un to Silicon Valley grift
Honestly, who has time to nuke the world when they’re busy bilking investors while using a put-on voice like something in a 19th century vaudeville?
The thing about being a Silicon Valley villain is that you are, at least, a FUN kind of villain. A villain they will cast a good-looking person to play. Who can resist that, in the end?
Get Kim Jong-un to unleash Twitter drama
Between all of the trolls, the bots, the subtweets, the “don’t @ me’s,” and contests on being more-woke-than-thou he will exhaust himself in a week or two.
Or he’ll keep blocking and unblocking Chinese and South Korean leaders.
Or he’ll get caught in some weird scandal involving sliding into DMs.
Disaster averted.
Just blow up the world already
The world is an interesting place, and it’s certainly had a nice run.
Still, perhaps it should quit while it’s ahead.
And as many historians will argue, it’s not even ahead to begin with. Not when you consider roughly half of the events of the 20th century.
At the very least, Kim won’t be the one to call the shots on this one! Apocalypse now? More like Apocalypse OUR WAY.
Photo: (stephan)