Let me spare us all a lengthy debate: The people warning us against war with Iran are wrong.
There are many reasons why they are wrong, but I have come up with a list of the biggest ones.
You are welcome.
We Might Get Affordable Healthcare Instead
The data is not in dispute — the costs of healthcare are too damn high. Cancer is bankrupting people. Insulin prices are through the roof. And the people of this country keep telling their elected officials, over and over again, that these are problems that need to be fixed.
If we don’t go to war with Iran, we might just be able to take care of this. We could have a Healthy New Deal. And what the fuck kind of bullshit is that? A nation of happy, healthy Americans? Get out of here with that miserable shit. Especially if a poor and/or minority neighbor of yours might actually benefit too. FUCK THE COMMUNIST NONSENSE OF CARING FOR YOUR FELLOW CITIZENS’ WELL-BEING.
We Could Focus More On The Environment
Think of all of the resources we could spend on cutting emissions and creating new and exciting sustainability projects and initiatives.
And just what kind of fucking tree huggers would we be then?
We Could Finish All Of The Other Wars We’re Fighting
Everyone knows that the way to actually be cool, as per our president’s awesome example, is to begin a bunch of ill-conceived ventures and then skip out on them as soon as shit’s get real (major props if you stiff the people who worked for you as well).
Actually finishing the shit you started is for suckers, everyone knows that.
We Could Improve Our International Standing
And who needs that, when we already have Vladimir Putin flattering our president’s ego at every opportunity?
No, I’m certain it’s not a clever, KGB-inspired mind trick. Only good can come from this.
We Could Give More Money To NASA
LAAAAAAAAAAAME
We Could Stop Making Questionable Defense Contractors And Politicians Who Align With Them Filthy Rich
I’m pretty sure that this is NOT what the American Dream is about. We need new Halliburtons, because it worked out great the last time around. For some people, anyway.
We Could More Effectively Counter Competition From China
I’m pretty sure that Ivanka Trump has a very nice relationship with China. Who are we to jeopardize that?? Honestly, why put a frown on that beautiful face??
We Could Prevent Many, Many American Troops From Dying
A dearth of flag-draped coffins is a serious problem, to be honest. Hey, people get paid to make those flags. As a bonus, think of all of the cool things that stimulate the economy when people lose their loved ones and/or are otherwise traumatized! Think of all of the alcohol that WON’T be consumed!! All of the grief counselors who won’t have to work overtime?? Do you REALLY wish that on our country?? What’s wrong with you, you monster?!
Ben Shapiro Won’t Get To Serve
I’ve heard it through the grapevine that Ben is really irritated with millennials, who, instead of storming beaches, are merely serving in the longest conflict in this nation’s history.
75 years ago: young Americans braved Nazi fire on beaches to liberate a continent and defend Constitutional rights.
Today: young Americans whine about people making mean jokes about them on YouTube and demand censorship.— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) June 6, 2019
Clearly, this is a sign that the man would like to prove himself and potentially even make the ultimate sacrifice.
But all of those millennials he’s trying to own already have THEIR war. Honestly, does the man not deserve to make his mark in HIS great battle?
It is our duty to give Ben what he wants — what kind of precedent would we be setting if the angry children of television executives didn’t get their way???
Exactly.
Photo: Alec Perkins
Case closed