DJ Khaled has been the laughing stock of social media this week, after an old interview resurfaced in which he shares that he refuses to perform oral sex on his wife. He does, however, expect her to go down on him because “It’s different rules for men. You gotta understand, we the king. There’s some things that y’all might not wanna do, but it got to get done. I just can’t do what you want me to do. I just can’t”.
As well as the widespread ridicule Khaled has received, he has also been targeted by a couple of celebs who wanted to add their voices to the mix. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson commented “Ahem… *clears throat* As a man, I take great pride in mastering ALL performances. This is probably a little TMI…I will now quietly excuse myself from this fun thread”, while actor Evan Rachel Wood said to him, “You’re seriously missing out man. Take it from someone who has pride and thoroughly enjoys pleasuring women. You should grow up”.
Even the bloody dictionary weighed in, with “Double standard: A code containing different provisions for one group of people than for another, especially an unwritten code of sexual behavior permitting men more freedom than women. See also: DJ Khaled.”
The message came loud and clear from every direction: grow up, fella, and go down.
Khaled’s apparent contempt for the idea of cunnilingus is not unusual in a misogynist society. A common thought is that it is somehow dirty, or that a vagina may not smell or taste nice. Some men (read: incels) think that pleasuring women is a “cuck” activity that only pushover men do, when they could simply take their own pleasure and leave the woman wanting like a true masculine man does. And some, especially younger people, fear they don’t know what to do or how to do it, so avoid it on that basis.
Given his “we the king” comment, and his insistence that his wife offer him what he refuses to do for her, we can assume he’s of the more misogynist way of thinking.
Choice
The thing is, as childish as Khaled may have come across, and as entitled as he clearly is, he is under no obligation to carry out a sex act he is not into. Whatever the reason, whatever the act, we can each say yes or no to a consenting partner and should be able to expect to have that respected. Whether it’s something kinky or something most people would see as vanilla, preferences are allowed and should be listened to at every stage.
Consent is enthusiastic and continual, right? So saying yes to one thing does not exclude saying no to another.
Khaled may have a million reasons for not going down on his wife, and they are nothing to do with us. This may be a dealbreaker for some people in a relationship – indeed both partners will have needs and preferences – and some relationships may end as a result. Some people may want to work on their reluctance to pleasure their partners in one way or another and do so with counselling or support or just sheer perseverance, but others may just rule something out forever, and that’s that.
Hypocrisy
Author Emily Lindin criticised the wider point Khaled was making, which was that he “pleasured” his wife by providing a nice house, clothes and money. Lindin said, “If oral sex isn’t DJ Khaled’s thing, WHATEVER, but professing that you withhold sexual pleasure from your wife because you support her financially is misogynist and suggests an abusive mindset”.
It is generally expected that married couples “share and share alike” and, whichever earns more supports the other where needed. I’m sure this woman enjoys the finer things in life – who doesn’t? – like eating out and having a flash car and living somewhere impressive. But that does not mean she has to “pay” for that in other ways, such as sacrificing the sex life she may want. Maybe she does not explain it away in this way – it is only Khaled himself who describes it like this – but we do not really know what she thinks about his views.
His expectation that his wife goes down on him, too, suggests a strain of misogyny that is unacceptable and unpalatable. While he has the right to refuse to carry out the act on her, she, too, should ultimately have the freedom to refuse to give him oral sex and it does not sound like he thinks this is a tolerable compromise.
Relationships thrive on give and take – that’s what people always say. And Khaled’s relationship is none of our business. But giving a man airtime when he has so little respect for his wife that he would say things like this does not reflect well on our preferences as fans. Everybody has the right to choose the sex acts they carry out, Khaled included, but to then anticipate that your own desires are met in every regard could be seen as hypocritical.
Photo: Michele Dorsey Walfred/Creative Commons