Where Are the Moms in 50 Shades’ “Mommy Porn?”

I hadn’t heard of the phrase “mommy porn” until I started reading reviews for the 50 Shades of Grey movie. Then it seemed like it was everywhere, from respectable news sites to Urban Dictionary. ABC explained why mommy porn is “hot.” Hip feminist site, Jezebel, reflected on whether or not the best selling mommy porn was “worth the hype.” Huffington Post also got in on the fun, writing up it’s very own “realistic” version of mommy porn. But even as every review I came across declared 50 Shades mommy porn, I couldn’t help becoming more and more confused. What is mommy porn? And if I am a mommy (which I am, although I prefer to go by “mami”), why do I feel like slowly sinking into a murky pond at the mere thought of watching it?

There are scant few reviews that actually attempt to define mommy porn. A few insist that mommy porn is for well off women in the suburbs who are tired of responsibilities and want somebody else to take over the sex reigns, as it were. Most reviews offer no definition of mommy porn at all, instead implying that mothers enjoy 50 Shades simply because it seems to be something mothers should like. Of course not one single review I read explained why mothers in particular should or would find erotic stories about a young inexperienced woman interesting, much less worthy of designation as masturbation material.

And when I say “young and inexperienced,” I’m not kidding. The main protagonist from 50 Shades, Ana, is in her early twenties and still a virgin. She hasn’t kissed anybody or even held hands with anybody prior to meeting Grey. She admits to having no idea what she likes sexually, and is grossly lacking in self-confidence. Getting Grey to commit to a more emotionally intimate relationship with her is Ana’s main objective throughout the series. The only difference between Ana and Bella (from the other mommy porn series, Twilight) is that Bella is a teenager. I have yet to figure out what about either of these girls should especially appeal to mothers–does it make sense for a acne covered sexually inadequate boy to act as the protagonist that fathers enjoy most in their porn? Why does it make sense for mothers?

One of the very few critical takes on mommy porn I could find comes from comedian John Oliver:

“I’m sorry if anybody was offended by my incredibly accurate evaluation of the casting choice for a movie whose target audience, going by the trailer, seems to be suburban mothers of three who have somehow never had sex before.” (58 second mark)

By mocking the inherent assumption of mommy porn, that most mothers have an erotic desire to be Ana (or: an innocent virgin that needs to be guided by more experienced man) or experience sex as Ana, Oliver hints at the glaringly obvious question about mommy porn, where on earth are the mommies in mommy porn? How could mommy porn be for mothers if it’s not about mothers and features no mothers?

This made me think about that old Saturday Night Live skit about “mom jeans.” The skit making fun of high waisted pants that are supposedly favored by mothers, finishes up with the telling statement, “I’m not a woman anymore, I’m a mom!” Without stating it outright, this idea more than anything, guides the logic of what gets defined as mommy porn. Mothers (and their bodies) are culturally understood as so pathetic, it only makes sense that they would masturbate to what they once were, but can never be again: the young, desirable woman/child that men actually want to bang. Sure, there are many Hollywood mothers that are still considered desirable even after pregnancy, but think. What was the most pressing question about them once they had their children? If you’re thinking “How soon did X star get her body back?” you’re headed in the right direction. Bodies that have obviously changed because of pregnancy are to be eradicated as soon as possible post-birth. Those who don’t manage to “get their body back” are mocked and humiliated, as Kelly Clarkston was by Katie Hopkins.

What would a more interesting thoughtful take on ‘mommy porn’ look like? For starters, it would be fantastic to see an adult woman with actual children at the center of any story that is defined as “mommy porn.” We’ve seen a few glimpses of this here and there, Loretta Devine in Waiting to Exhale, for example, shined as the single mother trying out “relationships” again after being hurt. Who could possibly forget the moment when Devine walks away from an utterly sexy Gregory Hines, and looks back to see him checking her out? And the Kathy Bates character in Fried Green Tomatoes had interesting scenes that suggested a grappling with and reclaiming of a thriving sexuality. But the scene in the book that tells of the orgasm that nearly ‘scared poor Ed (her husband) to death,’ is noticeably absent from the movie.

But even as there are a few glimpses here and there at the possibility of an erotic story about a woman who is a mother, these glimpses are so few and far between, I wonder if any mother’s supposed interest in 50 Shades has less to do with how much she likes it, and more to do with the utter absence of any movies featuring people who look like her or have similar lives? Is it even possible to imagine world where a trilogy of movies centered around the developing sexuality of a mother of three gets made?

I don’t want dismiss the possibility that mothers may actually find 50 Shades an interesting and fun bit of “porn.” Mothers enjoy sex too, and seeing the massive absence of quality representations of mothers enjoying fulfilling complicated challenging sex–it makes sense that mothers would, just like the millions of others who read/watched 50 Shades, enjoy some good old fashioned smut.

But just because women are watching (and reading) mommy porn that is out there, that doesn’t mean that the mommy porn that is out there is enough. It most definitely doesn’t justify the dismissive attitude used to define “mommy porn.” Women (who include mothers) have proven with the 50 Shades phenomenon that there is a thriving eager market for women centered erotica. But mothers are not punchlines–they deserve the “money shot” too. The question is, will Hollywood, or US society, ever be brave enough to allow it?