This week, I wrote a Facebook post about how unpleasant it is when smelly men hit on me in discourteous ways. A man immediately messaged me to explain what I was doing wrong and how I could prevent this behavior from happening to me. After decades of being sexually harassed on planet Earth, a glorious savior finally appeared!
I responded angrily because I am sick and tired of being held responsible for other people’s behavior, and because the savior in question had already sent plenty of weird and intrusive messages to me in the past. He swiftly blocked me.
The truth is, men like this have all of the audacity when it comes to explaining to women as to what they’re doing wrong when we are simply existing outside — and no courage to confront their fellow men when it comes to harassment, let alone to confront the preconceived notions about women that they carry.
At the same time, these men wonder why they are unsuccessful with women, or why the women they do manage to attract are overwhelmingly insecure. Then they get angry, and rude, and alienate women some more. It sucks.
What’s deeply ironic is that I recently launched a website called Safer Dating Now to teach people how to use open source intelligence in order to vet potential dates. I know the problem like the back of my hand — I’m the kind of person who can spend hours on the phone with friends when they ask for help in checking out a person they’re not sure about.
When you take on the responsibility of teaching people, you also have to be realistic. I tell all of my trainees that there are segments of the population that won’t benefit from my tools — or any tools at all, simply because they are stuck in self-reinforcing loops. And unfortunately, many of these people are socially unsuccessful, bitter men.
I don’t feel any kind of glee when I watch these men flounder. I have to share the planet with them — the street, the park, my favorite pub. People think that women delight in rejecting men; the truth is, most of us know that rejection can carry a stiff penalty of its own. I was able to brush the smelly guy trying to proposition me aside, but an interaction like that is largely based on luck. You never know when you’re going to piss off the wrong person.
I recently wrote about how the Chinese government has decided to “solve” the problem of male rage by allowing men to essentially get away with hitting and otherwise abusing their partners. As usual, women are called upon to absorb male frustration and take one for the team.
It’s an evil policy, but to undo it means to face up to the fact that women are, in fact, human beings. And the truth is, seeing women as essentially subhuman can be far too convenient. Women themselves do it all of the damn time, as we struggle to get ahead of our sisters and find a place in a more comfortable cage. At the end of the day, those cages were built for everyone — men and women both.
I don’t think that human beings will ever really stop being weird to each other. I think that there is something about the nature of the human race that makes us like this. I do think, however, that we can be happier and healthier. Every time I feel like I have helped someone, I bring myself closer to a better version of myself. It’s a lifelong process and perfection is not the goal, but greater serenity is.
Something that I like to tell people is this:
You’re not what’s being projected onto you. You are not defined by another person’s illusions. You are not the lie that people tell themselves in order to feel better.
Carry that knowledge close to your heart.
Image: www.quotecatalog.com / Thought Catalog