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Joseph Origami’s enlightened advice column

My dear friends,

I have always known that I was special, that I was different from others around me. While the other boys and girls would play soccer or sit on the swings at recess, I was content to sit under the slide and eat woodchips.

In high school, when everyone else got dates and rented limousines, I put on a white opera mask and haunted the junior prom with mixed results. And while I have often been called “low-functioning” or “in need of constant supervision,” I have always known different.

The truth is that I possess powers and sense far beyond those of other mortals. Through my knowledge of astrology and numerology, as well as my own natural psychic gifts, I have grown into a person-shaped portal for the knowledge of the Universe. Much like Superman or the dolphins that warn swimmers of sharks, I want to use my powers for the good of my fellow man.

To this end, I have taken on a new, enlightened personality dedicated to answering important, heartfelt questions about your career, spouse, love life, or any of that other junk.

My heart is consumed with love, and expanded to hold the infinite wisdom of the expanding universe. My name is Joseph Origami. And I am here for you, my children.

Q: What was I in my past life? What was the most important thing I learned? – Historical Lauren

A: Well, Lauren, I’m seeing that you were a… horsie. Yeah, you ran free in the highlands of Scotland. And, um, eventually you were captured by rebels, tamed, and given to their leader. He once famously rode you into some guy’s bedroom while he was asleep and then smashed him in the head with a mace. After that, you both escaped the guards by leaping out of a window and into the river. Trust me, it was awesome. And because of that little adventure, you learned never to side with an English king who hurls his son’s boyfriends out of windows, or William Wallace would scramble your brains into an omelet.

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Q: I have been dating a man who is 6 years older than I am for about 2 years now, and he doesn’t seem to be any closer to proposing than he was on our first date. I really like him and would like to be his wife. What do you see? – Worried Amy

A: Well, I really like both ponies and sailing, and I would love to one day own a pony that turns into a boat. The problem is, I’m still just as scared of horses as I was when I was 8 years old. So in a way, we’re the same, you and I: we’re both chasing a dream, but we’re not making much progress. Of course, there is one crucial difference, in that there isn’t a younger, fertile, more attractive woman meeting up with my boat-pony when it leaves on “business trips.” So to be honest, I just see you taking up knitting.

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Q: My first husband is very jealous of my new husband and has been causing trouble by calling and stopping by the house. I have told him off but it doesn’t seem to stop him. What is the issue here? – Bone of Contention Michelle

A: Michelle, I’m closing my eyes and putting my fingers to my temples; the universe seems to be telling me that you are currently holding down a job that involves you wearing helmets while paying customers see how hard they can swing a shovel. That is the only way you could possibly fail to understand what is going on here. It’s not as though there’s a wealth of ex-husbands out there making friends with their replacements, or talking about great it is that their ex-wife gets naked with somebody else now.

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Q: I’m up for a promotion at work. Unfortunately, I’m competing against the up-and-coming girl from Human Resources. She’s supposed to be really smart and engaging. Also, I don’t have any thumbs. What should I do? – Amphibious Dylan Mcturtle

A: I’ve communed with the stars to find your answers, Dylan. I don’t know if you watch the show “Heroes,” but it features an incredibly annoying Indian scientist. By waving a needle or two around and muttering some simplistic nonsense about “genes” and “science” in an English accent, he can pretty much grow whatever he wants. So my recommendation is to just shout “Western Blot,” and inject yourself with whatever you find in your kitchen – those thumbs shall be yours.

As for the HR girl, well, that’s a difficult problem. Women in the workplace have increasingly failed to heed the glass ceilings so carefully put in place for them. Now I’m not suggesting anything at all whatsoever here, but there’s one kind of glass that nobody can ignore under certain conditions: windshield glass.

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Q: My new cat may be possessed by demons (the Hindu kind I’m assuming) and I don’t speak Hindi or Sanskrit to perform an efficient exorcism. What should I do? – Endlessly Spiritual Rupal

A: As Mars passes through the azimuth of Venus, the answers are revealed: you have two options.

1. Fill your bathtub and see if your cat floats. If it does, then it doesn’t matter what language it’s tormenting you in, because it’s an adorable, wide-eyed little witch that loves playing with balls of yarn. Then announce a public stoning on Facebook. “Location: the den of evil that used to be my apartment! Time: When the harvest moon is highest in the sky! About: Bring your best throwing rocks!”

2. Get a new apartment.

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Q: My husband has been depressed lately because of all the talk at the office about lay-offs. Everyone is tense and it is affecting my husband… and me and our child. What are the prospects that he will be one of those laid off? – Oprah Wouldn’t Return My Calls Katie

A : Katie, I’m so glad you came to me. As you are well aware, your husband’s job assurance is completely a matter of planetary alignment and karmic forces, as opposed to his performance, ability to work with others, history with his employers, or skill set. I’m carefully consulting the astrological tables, and the answer is… Bear. There is Bear% chance that your husband will be laid off. That answer may not make sense to you, but the planets never lie.

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Q: What are my lucky lotto numbers? – Hoping in Hope Itself Reed

A: By projecting my spirit into the near future, I am able to catch a hazy glimpse of myself telling you not to be a damn sucker, because if I knew the winning lottery numbers, I certainly wouldn’t be sitting here wearing a bathrobe and turban, or holding a bowling ball rolled in glitter. But who knows if this future will come to pass? OooOOOoooo….

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Q: When will my next great career start? – Ambitiousness Itself Brandon

A: Brandon, I can see that you’ve given this question a lot of though. After consulting the ancient spirits of the cosmos, I am pleased to tell you that it’s right around the corner… as soon as you get desperate enough to click “Adult gigs” on Craigslist. Yeah, the ancient spirits of the universe equate “great career” with “doing it in the back of a van with boarded-up windows.” I’m as surprised as you are.

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Q: In High School I told little baby Jesus that I would give my left nut to be 6 foot 3 inches tall. I am shy one nut and only 5’10” should I give up on baby Jesus or should I keep the faith? – Amen Doug

A: The real question, young Douglas, is whether baby Jesus should give up on you. The Bible tells us that God once asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son on a rock. Without a murmur, Isaac allowed himself to be bound, and it was only through divine intervention at the last moment that Abraham didn’t gank that kid like a prisoner in the chow line. So, while my infinitely gracious heart weeps for your loss, your only option seems to be a) find a rock, b) put your surviving nut on it, and c) hope that God isn’t busy playing Guitar Hero.

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Q: I’m still heart-broken over my breakup with Dylan McTurtle. How can I get over him? Does he still love me? In addition, what are bunions? – Woeful Daidree

A: Having spoken with the spirits of my all-knowing ancestors, I can tell you that there is no getting over Dylan McTurtle. It would be easier to kick a heroin habit with Amy Winehouse as your rehab sponsor than it would be to get over the irresistible allure of Dylan’s soft, yellow embrace.

Also, according to the planets, bunions are just haunted onions. Just wash them in holy water and use them for soup.

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Joe Sapien

Joe Sapien is a regular columnist. He is currently floundering through grad school and running up debt. He never got to be a bully as a child, but he would have been pretty good at it.