We’ve all been there. You used to love him, but now all he does is annoy you with his endless rants about the new Star Wars (we’ve been over this a thousand times — FINN IS ABSOLUTELY A GOOD CHARACTER) and chronic inability to properly load the dishwasher. Maybe it’s more serious than that — maybe he cheated. Or can’t give you an orgasm. Or cheated AND can’t give you an orgasm.
Either way, he needs to go — but how on earth to get rid of him? Be upfront and honest about your feelings, or SCREW HIM OVER, PUTIN-STYLE?
This one should be an easy choice, and here is how to go about it:
Stage a hybrid break-up
Act like you’re single but totally refer to him as “your partner” and keep referencing your “special relationship.” Sleep with his frenemy — you know, the guy who can definitely bench press more than he can. Don’t even try to act like dudes don’t have frenemies.
When he asks you what’s wrong, first act confused, then persecuted. Why is he being so selfish? If he REALLY loved you, he would know what’s wrong.
Engage in covert cyber warfare
Go through his phone and all of his social media accounts. Gather evidence of wrongdoing or potential wrongdoing. Why did he send Sally from HR a winking smiley at the end of a text message about workplace AC settings? WHAT ELSE IS HE HIDING?
Learn the honey trap method
Buy some new clothes he’s never seen, pose artfully/suggestively in them. Crop out your face. Mess with filters. Send him that stuff from an anonymous account and see how he responds. Oh, I’m sorry, is that too patriarchal? WELL DID PUTIN GET ANYWHERE BY BEING A SENSITIVE FEMINIST TYPE? *cough* Anyway, look up Romeo agents for more context.
Get to his easily impressionable friends/relatives
He has that one batty aunt who will believe anything. Everyone does, really. So go ahead and tell her that your boyfriend is actually a sasquatch. Seriously, that’s why he shaves his back so much and it’s the REAL reason why this aunt has suspected his mom of cheating on her brother all those years ago. Exploit cracks in the resolve of those who would otherwise rush to his defense, girl!
Get him to invest in you, then screw him over
You know what, you’ve been looking a little tired lately, and really need that spa weekend. Or else you’ve been feeling a little wired lately, and really need those shooting lessons. What’s that? This stuff costs money? Tell him to not worry, you will totally pay him back. Sometime. In the future.
Remind him that the future is a tenuous concept, should he bring up that money later. Everyone who understands the laws of physics understands as much. If he questions you — call him a rube? Because even Einstein has implied that the passage of time is an illusion! He can go ahead and look it up!
Impose travel bans
Sorry, but his friends don’t get to go on that cabin retreat with you this year. Instead, you’re bringing the worst people you know. Including that one dude with the screeching owl-like laugh who creeps on people two beers into an evening. This one will come in handy should you want to force him to break up with you — instead of the other way around.
Get him to break up with you
It’s important for you to have the moral high ground, after all. You did nothing wrong and are the real victim here. Why does he always have to be so unreasonable? You tried and tried to make it work, but he just impeded you at every turn. He is irrational and immoral. His aunt even thinks that he’s a sasquatch who has definitely starred in Bigfoot porn. No, you don’t have any proof, but many people are saying it. There’s no smoke without a fire.
Photo: Government ZA/Creative Commons