There’s a lot of killing in the world, and I don’t just mean those parts of your soul that die each time someone tries to get you to weigh in on the Cardi B vs Nicki Minaj situation.
The holidays add an extra layer of stress to living in a murderous, corrupt world, because they tend to remind those of us who have families just what family is all about — which tends to be both fighting about politics and bringing up random, painful incidents from the past. I mean, really, mom, it’s been 34 years and you’re talking about how I somehow prevented you from having a career. I’M A MOM MYSELF NOW AND I HAVE ONE AND — but anyway, where was I?
Oh yes. If you worry that your entire family may just go ahead and massacre each other over Thanksgiving — extremely dark humor about the prevalence for massacres in our modern, not-at-all-demented society aside, hardy har har — this guide to not killing each other is for you.
Don’t let anyone bring up the Cardi B vs Nicki Minaj situation
I love a great music feud as much as anyone, and celebrate the fact that an incredibly polarizing music feud today involves two women — take that, regressives! — but this is not a debate in which anyone gets to win.
“Anaconda” is a modern classic. When Cardi B raps about “eating halal,” I feel like I’m back in some gloriously chatty line for shawarma in Amman, Jordan circa 2009. We can debate this shit endlessly, and furthermore suffer tacky comments from uninformed members of the family whose idea of cool is best exemplified by the bizarre period of history known as When Tom Hiddleston And Taylor Swift Were A Thing — but we don’t have to.
Agree to disagree. For the sake of all that is holy, unholy, and all that is in that weird gray area from early paganism to stylized modern witchcraft. You can do it. I believe in you.
Don’t try to settle any scores with overachieving siblings
Look, I consider myself an accomplished woman. I also know what it’s like to be outshined by a sibling born in the actual 1990s (I’M ALSO STILL COPING WITH THE FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE BORN IN 2000 ARE NOW CONSIDERED LEGAL ADULTS, OK?!??! GET OFF MY LAWN).
Seriously, I have a brother who’s so good-looking that today a woman in the street outside my house was admiring him so hard she nearly got herself run over by a car. The last time I nearly caused a deadly accident dates back to 2016, and I was wearing an evening gown at the time. Is it fair? No, nothing in life is particularly fair. Are you required to counter an overachieving sibling with some pathetic version of, “Well, at least, I, uh, still get a lot of Twitter DMs from various creeps with fake profile pictures, so TAKE THAT”? No, you are not.
Pick your battles. A Sibling Stalingrad is never a good idea — especially not when you’ve already stuffed your facehole and are simultaneously contemplating the fact that you currently can’t afford a gym membership.
Avoid uncomfortable clothing
I am willing to bet that, sometimes, wanting to kill your family over Thanksgiving is merely the product of bad leggings and/or uncomfortable underwire.
As a side note, the person who will finally be able to bottle and sell that initial rush of pleasure you get from taking off a bra at the end of a long day is going to make Jeff Bezos feel like one of those peasant extras from Monty Python eventually (now here’s your idea as to how to finally triumph over your aforementioned overachieving siblings — you are welcome).
Don’t start a goddamn recipe battle
NO GOOD HAS EVER COME FROM IT. DO NOT @ ME.
Adopt a Wild West saloon mentality
All weapons go into the gun safe for the duration of festivities. This may or may not include stilettos— as long as they weren’t manufactured in China (take THAT, Ivanka Trump, mwahahaha).
Anyone who can’t hold their liquor should be stashed upstairs.
Have an escape plan should disaster occur anyway.
Learn how to shrug things off.
Wear good boots.
Say “I love you” a lot
It doesn’t hurt. I’ve checked.
Try to avoid commenting on Trump trying to grind our democratic institutions into dust in the name of corruption and —
You know what, I may be wrong on that. The weapons are in the gun safe, are they not? Make sure it’s locked up tight. Now let Aunt Deb’s good china fly.
Photo: Basheer Tome