In the life of every individual, a certain maturing must eventually take place. We learn that Santa Claus is not real. We come to terms with the fact The Republican Idea Of Personal Responsibility Under Capitalism is mostly a concept designed to teach the poor that they deserve poverty, sadness, and an agonizing death which will shortly lead to an organ harvesting. And we accept that Chinese people invented climate change as revenge for trade tariffs and/or Hollywood whitewashing.
Of course when I say “invented” I do not mean that climate change is actually real. When a freak storm is literally throwing me sideways against a wall in Manhattan — I just keep repeating “hoax.” It sounds a little bit like “hex” and maybe one of these days, after civilization collapses and we’re all drinking irradiated water from puddles, I will be burned as a witch for it, but who cares for now.
It’s true, however, that as unreal as climate change is, there are other, less obvious things, that are equally unreal. And to be quite honest, the sooner we accept that these other things are not real, the sooner we will be able to just power through the freak storms and deadly winds, treating them as the illusions that they are (I’m not stoned right now, I promise).
So here is a list of all the things that are about as “real” as Chinese hoaxes:
Gravity
Gravity is a bit like Banksy. Everybody’s always going on about it, but has anyone actually seen it? Nah.
Hollywood’s liberal propaganda machine made an entire movie about gravity, but from what it looks like, it’s just Sandra Bullock being a typical woman and getting all emotional in space.
I know what you’re going to say, “Oh but Natalia. What about the SCIENCE of it?”
Yeah, like, whatever, my dudes. Science has been corrupted by liberal think tanks long ago, as soon as it refused to accept the idea that maybe Jesus really did hunt sinners on top of a velociraptor. You know, like, maybe I can’t actually prove it. But I can’t disprove it either. And therefore, I am the real scientist — and I say gravity is not a thing, and also fuck Isaac Newton and the way he tried to rip off Brian May’s whole look. Ugh.
A round Earth
The thing about the concept of a round Earth is that the people who push it really can’t make up their minds about it. They’re all like, “LISTEN UP, BITCHES. THE EARTH IS FUCKING ROUND.”
And then it turns out that it’s actually NOT A PERFECT SPHERE AND HAS UNEVENLY DISTRIBUTED MASS?
I don’t know about you, but I don’t trust Experts™ who go back and forth on these important issues. Like, fine, you can debate whether or not a depressed Luke Skywalker is a good thing. You can debate whether or not we tamed cats or if it was the other way around (it was the other way around — how is this even up for fucking debate?). But debating the very nature of the lump of rock you’re standing on? That’s morally suspect to me. It tells me that this whole “earth is round” situation is more complicated than meets the eye. Which is why I think more Flat Earthers should go ahead and run for Congress. Only good can come from this. I assure you.
Guy rompers
They are not a thing. Now that summer is on its way, I am even more convinced that they are NOT A THING, OK?!
Get out of my face. Stop sending me screenshots. DON’T TAKE PICTURES OF GUY ROMPERS ON THE SUBWAY AND IN THE BEER GARDEN.
They are not real. Like the monsters under the bed. And behind the creaking closet door. THEY ARE NOT REAL BECAUSE I SAID SO.
Democracy
Everyone keeps banging on about how “Trump is hurting our democracy” or about how “democracy dies in darkness” or how “democracy is fragile.”
My question is, why does everyone talk about democracy as if it’s a domestic violence victim/fair maiden about to be gobbled up by a dragon? Is democracy really a petite strawberry blonde dating a secretly abusive varsity football star in some women’s interest channel miniseries you’ll only consent to switching to after you’ve watched literally ALL of Netflix including the creepy German show about time, physics, and child murder?
Something tells me that democracy does not, actually, work like that. You can’t sucker punch it and make it your bitch in the middle of a bar fight. IT IS NOT SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE TO DO SO, AND I THINK THAT TRUMP HAS CHECKED. Or he would’ve checked, if he wasn’t too manly for bar fights (manly is obviously just threatening Joe Biden on Twitter, from behind broad-shouldered secret service dudes one of whom may or may not be putting in some overtime with Fair Melania).
So stop giving me that bullshit and start giving me some real talk. Such as — “Democratic institutions aren’t really real or needed, because have you ever been inside a building that said ‘Democratic Institution’ out front? Yah, didn’t think so.”
Admit it, the Greeks were stoned when they made this whole thing up. Or too busy getting naked and having lots of buttsex. Everybody knows this. Many people are saying it.
Photo credit: Molly Adams/Creative Commons