The go-to solution for male loneliness, usually expressed in sarcastic tweets (which I am guilty of, I’ll admit), is that men simply be better human beings.
It’s true that as women in the Western world no longer need husbands to simply survive, a lot of who are considered unappealing are simply selected out of the process of dating and having families. At the same time, saying that these men therefore deserve to be lonely is a simplistic position.
For one thing, as detailed in the article I link to above, men are having a much harder time than women in terms of finding supportive friends.
Also, it’s much harder for men in general to take emotional risks, as detailed by Psychology Today, and that can’t be cured by getting yelled at to “be better.”
The fact that so many men seem unappealing can translate to difficulties for women too, by shrinking the dating pool.
Most importantly, as antirape activist Wagatwe Wanjuki simply and elegantly puts it, “loneliness isn’t a punishment doled out to bad people.”
loneliness isn’t a punishment doled out to bad people. https://t.co/bFun5ZoReM
— Wagatwe Wanjuki 🇰🇪 🇧🇸 (@wagatwe) August 14, 2023
In fact, viewing loneliness as punishment is weirdly Calvinist, the new iteration of, “if you’re poor, you want to be poor, deal with it.”
It’s also foolish to think that loneliness is gendered. Single men are lonelier than single women, but married women, who traditionally put in more work in a relationship, find themselves feeling lonely should that relationship become unfulfilling (and considering our divorce rates, millions of people are finding themselves unfulfilled in what is supposed to be the most intimate relationship of their lives).
Most people who view themselves enlightened probably wouldn’t scream at lonely married women to get it together and “be better.” It’s time we stopped doing this to lonely men.
I don’t have any miracle solutions to the issue, but I think we’d come a long way if we stopped treating the difficulties in our lives as some kind of gendered competition. “Men are lonely? Well, women are underpaid!” “Women suffer greater instances of intimate partner abuse? Well, men kill themselves more often!” It’s an endless argument that gets us nowhere.
I’ve found it helpful just to realize that most people are simply out there doing their best. Humans are messy and life throws you curveballs. And if you’re busy trying to figure out who has it harder, men or women, ask a non-binary person if they find life particularly easy.
Since I started teaching dating safety classes to the public earlier this year, I’ve seen firsthand how adverse experiences on dating apps affect the male psyche. Men have a harder time meeting people off the apps, so they are a convenient target for scammers and catfishers.
I’m not a relationship coach or a lifestyle guru but still, it’s impossible to talk about safety without talking about loneliness and how it can adversely affect our decisions. Some men become extra suspicious, which exhausts them, and can lead to poor decisions. Others find themselves feeling desperate and thus willing to ignore signs that a person is lying to them.
Again, I am unable to come up with an easy solution, but I feel that some adjustments are needed: we need to stop thinking that apps can solve the problem of isolation. This is a big part of what I teach — situational awareness, yes, but also the fact that a well-rounded approach to life includes lessening dependence on your phone.
It’s not that I think of dating/friendship apps as a failed experiment, it’s that they should be a component of a person’s life and not the end-all, be-all solution
Something as simple as having more events for people seeking a connection — romantic or otherwise — can vastly improve the lives of people in a particular neighborhood. We’re forgetting what it’s like to get to know each other face to face (and the pandemic hasn’t helped one bit), but it’s time to start relearning. Especially because we “read” each other so much better in person, and because so many people have a harder time standing out on the apps, which flatten our experience of other human beings.
It’s not that I think of dating/friendship apps as a failed experiment, it’s that they should be a component of a person’s life and not the end-all, be-all solution. Several of my male clients have become more successful and less stressed simply by going out more, and not just to bars but to local events.
One recently made new friends and eventually started dating a woman he met at a painting class (yes, I have his permission to tell you this) — and this was after he told me in June that he simply couldn’t fathom getting to know someone without going through an app. A painting class was a good fit for him, because he likes art. The class atmosphere was easy to handle; everyone, him included, had a reason to be there and chatting came naturally and didn’t feel forced.
So if you’re reading this, and you’re lonely, think about what activities would be great for you to ease into. Think about ways in which your routine may have boxed you in.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to loneliness, male and otherwise, but sometimes, the first step is simply taking it seriously and realizing it’s a problem. Some of us are lone wolves, but most people are social creatures at heart. We need connection in order to thrive. Some argue that not everyone deserves this, but then again, life is rarely about who deserves what.
Image: Masha